Scientist Claims Facebook is a Secret Social Experiment for Monetary and Political Gain

Henrique Oppenheimer, a research scientist who works for a major scientific research laboratory in Los Alamos, New Mexico, has let leak that the social networking site, Facebook, is actually a secret social experiment that began as a way to get humans to open up completely about their feelings in a public forum so that corporations could use the information for monetary and political gain.

Oppenheimer claims that Mark Zuckerberg, the supposed creator of Facebook, actually just agreed to lend his name to the laboratory to make the site appear to be the brainchild of another internet startup that took other networking sites such as LinkedIn and MySpace and made them better.

“We needed a way to get human beings to open up about how they felt on certain topics such as politics, religion, marriage, divorce, dating, etc.,” said Oppenheimer, “but we needed an honesty that ordinary poll questionnaires just didn’t allow.” The information gathered from Facebook has been used by some of the largest corporations in the world to develop and sell various new products, as well as helping decide what politicians must do and say to get elected to office.

Oppenheimer says that no one could predict just how effective the site would become in gathering information about its test subjects. What started out as a study in human behavior became a springboard for one of the most incredibly honest outpourings of feelings the world has ever seen and the most lucrative wellspring of public opinion ever produced.

The laboratory that Oppenheimer claims to be working for totally denies the allegations and says that they have nothing to do with Facebook. “We have a Facebook page, period,” said chief research scientist, Bark Ingmad. “We would encourage those who may believe Oppenheimer’s claims to continue their rants, raves, friending and unfriending as usual and to not worry so much about who is watching or taking notes.”

Obama Unveils Big Brother/Big Sister Buddy Plan

Washington, D.C. - Americans are being asked to team up and pool their resources to further stem the tide of inflation and allow everyone a better chance of getting back on their feet. President Obama, over the weekend, issued a statement regarding his “Buddy Breaks” initiative.

“Think of it as the ‘Big Brother/Big Sister approach’ to ending poverty,” said President Obama from the Oval office just minutes before holding a press conference on the White House lawn late in the day yesterday.

When asked how it would work, Michelle Obama took the opportunity to explain. “We Americans, as a people, are strong and independent. However, sometimes we need a little extra to get us through. What Barack has put together is a comprehensive plan whereby every single American who is out of work will be teamed with an American who has a great-paying job and has money in the bank. The poor American will be able to live slightly better than he did, while the well-off American can do with less. It’s a win/win situation.”

Immediately hands went up from reporters, with the main question being “what about your critics who say that you are already running a Socialist government? Do you really want to hold hands with the Big Brother/Big Sister concept?” With his usual calm demeanor, President Obama answered their questions with questions. “Do you honestly think I care what my critics have to say? If I do not acknowledge Fox News, does it not cease to exist?”

Wha? Michelle picked up where she left off. “Look, people, did you not hear the ‘tough economic times’ part of this speech? We believe this is the perfect opportunity to help more than one group of people come out of it with at least some dignity intact. Here’s what we propose. First of all, there are single folks who may already have one strike against them by being not that desirable looking, but may also have the added stigma of being out of work. Then there is the hunk or model-type person who is riding high on a wave of just landing their first six-figure job because, let’s face it, pretty people get the best jobs. Anyway, let’s team them up, homely girl, handsome guy, who knows, love may blossom, it may not, but at any rate, the girl gets to live in a penthouse and the guy, well, he’s got the satisfaction of knowing he’s helping his country climb back to the top.”

“Let me interrupt, Michelle,” chimed in the President. “We are not saying that anyone is sub-perior, we just know that in this country there still exist some personal prejudices and if the government can step in to help tide some of those prejudices and make a lot of lives happier in the process, we’re happy to do so. This is not only for young folks. We see a large percentage of ‘pairings’ between hale and hardy working adults, male and female, buddying up with retired folks who have lost most of their savings due to the recent financial downturn. Not only will the older folks have someone bringing in the money on a regular basis, but, if they play their cards right, may even get a sponge bath or two in the deal. It all depends on who you are buddied with.”

One reporter asked, “Excuse me, Mr. President, but are you saying that these people will not know who they are being paired with?” The President answered, “Well, Connie, we haven’t ironed all the bugs out of this proposal yet, but what we do know is this, anyone who voluntarily agrees to team up with an opposite can have their choice AND will get a nice $250 bonus check in the mail. For those who do not go along with the program, they are going to have to take their chances as to whom they are teamed with. Now, let me say this. This only applies to the good citizens who make from nothing to $250,000. Anyone making over $250,000 a year, will be exempt from the program. They can join voluntarily, but we don’t anticipate too many of them doing that. And there are safeguards built in for those thinking of quitting their high-paying jobs to be able to buddy up with someone who prefers to work. Those folks will be penalized for not going along with the spirit of the Big Brother/Big Sister program.”

“What about couples and families?” asked one reporter. Michelle answered, “Again, we haven’t thought this entirely through yet, so we are just going to see how the pilot program works. We anticipate that if say “poor homely Mary” is paired with “rich, successful, handsome Rick,” and Mary’s family has fallen on hard times, then we may have a provision in the plan to siphon some of Rick’s monthly salary to the family to keep them afloat. Of course, Rick will then get to deduct this expense from his taxes at the end of the year and if it exceeds his personal exemption, may mean that he will get a nice refund check from the IRS in the spring. Nice surprise.”

When asked how much he anticipates the Big Brother/Big Sister Buddy Plan will cost U.S. taxpayers, President Obama replied “Actually, the only cost to the American taxpayers will be for administrative costs and bonus initiatives, including tax refunds. We have a ballpark figure of $10 billion dollars, but again, it depends on how quickly we can get folks teamed up. We’re looking to get the first batch teamed by spring and we’ll see how it goes from there.”

At that, the lovely Mr. and Mrs. Obama thanked everyone for coming, turned, and walked arm-in-arm back into the White House.