California Bans Bacon!

The California State Legislature has finally passed a bill banning all bacon and bacon-like products from the shelves of supermarkets and restaurants across the state in an effort to get Californians back on the healthy track. California is the first, and possibly the only state to take such drastic steps to protect its citizens from themselves.

Most people didn’t even know the bill was being voted on as the pork industry lobbyists didn’t think there’d be enough votes to get the measure passed. “To quote George Bush,” said one Senator from Los Angeles, ‘they misunderestimated us.’”

Senator Mary Lumsfeld from Studio City, California says the measure was necessary. “We were seeing our citizens get fatter and fatter and we were thinking “This isn’t Kentucky, this is California. What are we going to do?”

Beginning in 2010, California hired a team of registered dieticians and heart specialists to conduct a study on the everyday diets of 2,000 Californians to find out what was making them so darned fat, and what they found was startling! The major culprit was none other than bacon and bacon-like products.

“It’s just too tasty for people to resist,” said Trixie Culpepper, a registered dietician from San Diego, California. “We eat it on burgers, we top our salads with it, and we season our vegetables with it. We eat it for breakfast, lunch and dinner, and it’s slowly killing us,” she said. “Just like any evil, we knew we had to get rid of it before people started lumping Californians in with other Americans and calling us the “F” word.” Of course, Culpepper was referring to the word ‘Fat.’

There is no word on how this ban is going to affect Californians who have not yet chosen a healthy diet on their own. Mayors in all major Californian cities have committed to putting additional police forces on the streets as they expect major pushback from the passing of the bill. The biggest concern is that now that it is banned, bacon will most probably be sold on the California black market, making it a very dangerous commodity. Fines of anywhere from $1,000 to $10,000 for violations has restaurants up and down the California coast getting rid of their supplies of bacon and telling customers they’ll have to go to Vegas to get their bacon fix.

“It will be tough,” said California’s Governor Jerry Brown, “but hey, I’m a bacon lover myself, and once I kicked the habit, I lost 40 pounds. If I can do it, then by golly, the rest of my fellow Californians can. Let’s show them that we are not another Mississippi.”

As a side note, a similar bill making tofu California’s state food failed miserably. “I guess we’re on the right track,” said Gov. Brown, “but we’re really pushing our luck with tofu.”

Sales of Martin Jetpack Skyrocket in Anticipation of LA’s Carmageddon

For over two months, people living in Los Angeles have been warned that Caltrans (the California Department of Transportation) is planning to add a carpool lane to the 405. The 405 is the main route between the San Fernando Valley and the City of Los Angeles, not to mention LAX, one of the busiest airports in the country. This announcement is creating quite a bit of havoc as the shutdown is set for tonight and will last for the weekend.

Fortunately, the San Fernando Valley is home to some of the most affluent neighborhoods of the region, including Studio City, Burbank, and Glendale. Where there’s lotsa money, there’s lotsa hope. As soon as news of the freeway shutdown hit the airwaves, the Martin Aircraft Company located in New Zealand began to receive so many phone calls, it had to add an extra line.

Manufacturer of the famous, one-of-a-kind Martin Jetpack, which is a personal flying machine, Martin Aircraft is reporting record sales, and the company began shipping the orders last week. The “no training required” jetpack kits come complete with assembly and flying instructions. Once removed from the box and assembled, the jetpacks are ready to fly in just minutes.

This latest trend has caught the FAA completely off guard and a spokesperson for the FAA cautions, “while these jetpacks are being marketed as a safer and more effective alternative to driving the 405, without proper testing, folks who have purchased these jetpacks should be extremely cautious when jumping into the 21^st Century.”

Unfortunately, Henry Simpleton of Studio City, one of the first residents to receive his Jetpack kit in the mail, didn’t heed that advice. Once assembled, Simpleton fired it up, gave the thumb’s up signal and took off. Several feet in the air, he took his hand off the controls to wave to everyone, yelling “Hey, look at me. I’m Buck Rogers,” and crashed to the ground.

Fortunately, Simpleton walked away with only scrapes and bruises, but his antics sent a message to all the other millionaires in the area who are set to take their maiden voyages this weekend, “Keep both hands on the controls and for God’s sake, don’t show off.

In a related news story, an unofficial spokesperson of the company claims former California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger has purchased several of the backpacks in order to be able to make better time flying from one mistress’ home to the next without being unduly inconvenienced. If you happen to spot him flying above you while you are stuck in traffic...wave.

Meg Whitman Found Huddled in Pantry Crying “Where’s My Money?”

Meg Whitman, the former CEO of eBay has spent upwards of $160 million of her own money in a run for California Governor, which easily tops the private spending of any candidate anywhere in the entire universe, or at least the part of the universe we are aware of.

And what if she loses? Exactly. That is why she was found recently huddled in her pantry among half-empty tins of duck liver pate and those little pieces of petit toasts threatening to slit her wrists with the spreading knives if someone didn’t tell her where her money was.

She could be heard screaming throughout the west wing of her palatial home “Where is my money? What have you done with it?” In reality, it all went toward a run for governor of California which is now highly suspect of going to her Democratic opponent, Jerry Brown.

Meg was finally coaxed out of the pantry when asked to give one last campaign speech in which she stated: “I can almost see how I’d wanted to spend a large sum of money to make sure California doesn’t fall into the hands of some aging hippie who’s only object to be Governor is to see to it that Proposition 19 succeeds; but if he actually does become Governor, the first thing I’m gonna do is demand a refund.”

With that, Whitman crawled back into the pantry and dove right into an extra large jar of her favorite caviar.

Pot Growers Hire PR Firm to Develop Marijuana Marketing Plan

Los Angeles, CA – “The times, they are a changin’, again,” remarked Henry “Pops” Champion to a group of medical marijuana clinic owners and pot growers who all agree that it is time to finally pull out all the stops in getting marijuana prohibition lifted in California, and eventually, nationwide. Pops has been a lifelong smoker and proponent of legalized marijuana.

“Way back in 1996, Proposition 215 was passed allowing anyone with a doctor’s note to cultivate and use medical marijuana in California for a number of ailments, and in our efforts to assist those folks by offering quality grown and processed medical marijuana--not that street dope--we’ve been harassed like common criminals, and it’s time we spoke up for ourselves,” Pops continued.

“Some folks say we want to make California the Netherlands of the United States. That’s simply not true. We don’t want to be another Netherlands. Hell, man, we can’t even speak Dutch,” said Champion, to thunderous applause.

Yuri Lehigh then took the stage. “Man, all our lives we’ve tried to tell people that pot is a lot less harmful than booze and pharmaceuticals, but would the Feds listen? No. Now, after years of abusing alcohol and pills in place of marijuana, only because we could obtain them legally, we find our health dwindling and, ironically, one of the best natural substances for our ailments, from tired eyes to over-worked livers is pot. When are they going to wake up and smell the bud, man?”

“I mean, have you seen the ads on television for some of those ‘legal’ prescription drugs they’re trying to push on us, man? Clear up your allergies, but at the same time, be careful cause you’re gonna get dizzy and pass out and have bad stomach cramps and diarrhea and what not, man, but yeah, like you sure will breathe better. That is like total bullshit, man,” said Lehigh.

He continued, “and booze and beer commercials, what the fu*k is that, man? Have a few beers at a game, drink yourself silly on some Spiced Rum or Kaluha at a friend’s house, but hey, don’t drive. How the hell do you think they’re gonna get home, man? Sure, like anyone is gonna drink responsibly. The whole thing’s a ruse, man. We all know pot is way safer and we have to find a way to get that point across.”

A budget of several million dollars has been put aside by private business owners to fund the marketing campaign on legalizing marijuana, as well as offering several marijuana-based products. We spoke to an ad executive sent to the meeting to get some ideas about what direction they want the ad campaign to take. “Off the top of my head, man, I think what we want to do first is alleviate the notion that pot is a gateway drug and instead, do a little play on words and portray pot as a ‘gateway to health’ drug instead.”

“Then,” he said, “we want to take marijuana as mainstream as we can as quickly as we can. Think Burt’s Bees-type coverage. This Burt guy starts out with a few beehives and selling honey by the side of the road and today, he’s got candles, lip balms, lotions, you name it, in drug stores and co-ops around the country. We want the same type of exposure.”

We wanted to know if he knew that there were already several ad campaigns running in the state of California trying to push legalization of marijuana, and he said that he did, “but,” he said, “they don’t seem to be making much of an impact. We think our campaign will push the Feds over the edge and ultimately give the people what they want. This isn’t about taxes, it’s not about politics, it is about people wanting their marijuana without going to jail for it, period.”

We asked him how you can market something that is still considered an illegal substance, and he responded by saying “the way we figure it, if we put it out there as a legitimate product, the Feds sooner or later will fold under the pressure of having to do their jobs and regulate it, just like in the pharmaceutical and alternative medicine industry, and that’s when we’ll make our move to get pot accepted in the public eye. We’re even thinking about a complete line of herb teas called ‘Mary-Jane Herbal Wonder Teas.’ With all the things you can do with weed, man, the sky’s the limit once it’s legalized, and we want to make sure we’re ready to deliver products when that day comes.”

The main target audience of the ad campaign will be the over-50 crowd who have been fighting the good fight for over 40 years now, and it’s a pretty safe bet that if pot were legal, would make up the biggest demographic for sales. Said Pops, “They love the shit, man, you know? And we’re gonna do our best to see that it gets legalized in our lifetime, so they can start enjoying it in as many products as we can come up with.”

How California Grown-ups Play Cops and Robbers

After not being allowed into a California Pizza Restaurant one morning earlier this month, about 100 members of the OpenCarry Movement went to another restaurant in Walnut Creek, CA to show their fire power in full force, except of course, there was no fire power. Just a bunch of folks with unloaded guns, exercising their 2nd Amendment rights and showing off the fact that if they had firepower, it would, well, be inside their guns and not sitting back at home or in some cop’s possession after having had it confiscated as contraband.

The original story by the Associated Press was kind of misleading in that they reported that “about 100 armed members of a group…” when in actuality, none of the members were really armed in the true sense of being armed. They had their guns with them alright, but none of the guns were loaded and each had to have the gun checked by police officers before entering the restaurant. So armed? Not so much.

You see, according to California law, you can openly display a weapon, but it can’t be loaded. Kinda like little Timmy can walk down the street with a toy squirt gun that looks exactly like a German Luger, but Timmy can load his with water instead of bullets. Now it all makes sense doesn’t it?

We later met up with a few of the group members who were again “packing” that we spotted outdoors having a slushee at the local Tastee Freeze and they agreed to talk to us about what happened a few Saturdays ago at the other restaurant. Joseph Eena, the group’s self-proclaimed leader told us, “Here’s what went down that day. It was just a trial run. We were just showing people how, if you were to have real bullets in your gun, you could walk into a public place and if you see anyone suspicious, you could feel safe in knowing that you could use your gun if you had bullets in it…I know what you’re thinking, what’s the use of having a gun if you can’t shoot it at someone? But honestly, this is just the first step. Once we prove to everyone that we can control ourselves, the cops said they’d give us back our bullets.”

One member, Pat Siefert, who was wearing a western-style holster with what appeared to be a cap gun in it, finally admitted that he couldn’t get the clip out of his semi-automatic pistol and instead of showing up without a gun at the Tastee Freeze—he’d missed the other protest because of the same problem-- decided to try and get away with the toy gun getup. “Had I just stuck the damned pistol into the back of my pants, instead of going all ‘Western,’ I might have pulled it off. The guys had a pretty good laugh about it, and I’ll be sure and get that gun fixed before the next meet-up.”

Probably shouldn’t bother Pat, because just like your real gun that doesn’t work, carrying and showing off unloaded weapons may make you feel safe, but say, just for yuks, that there are a few criminals out there who read the newspapers and now know that the safest place to hold up thanks to you and your pals is a California Starbucks because it is loaded (no pun intended) with a bunch of guys sitting there drinking their lattes and chatting about their 2nd Amendment rights when none of them has two bullets to rub between them. But then again, you could always hone up on your pistol-whipping skills.