Potheads Not Happy About Smoking Ban at Austin City Limits Fest

Many of the music lovers headed to the Austin City Limits Music Festival this year are bummed out to find that they won’t be able to light up a doobie while listening to their favorite bands.  Due to severe drought conditions in Austin, there is a smoking ban for the entire festival area.

While pot has never been legal in the State of Texas, Austin is known for its hippie environment and much of the time, pot smoking at music venues has never really been frowned upon by the local authorities.

“They’re just mainly old hippies who simply can’t attend an open-air concert without smoking pot,” said one police officer who has been patrolling Austin streets for three decades. “We just look the other way, normally,” he said. “But this year is different. One spark and the whole place could go up so we have to put the quietus on all those hippies and say no.”

Of course, while a burn ban may put a bit of a damper on the concert goers’ fun, most of the veteran concert goers know how to get around it.

“This happened about ten years ago,” said Grover “Groove-man” Henderson, a transplant from San Francisco’s Haight-Ashbury neighborhood. “Adversity just makes us better, man.” Asked how he’s going to get through three days of concerts without pot. Groove-man laughed. “I been up all night baking with the old lady, man. We have enough brownies to last through Tuesday,” he said as he and his old lady, Sunshine, headed out on their bikes with a loaded picnic basket to catch some tunes.

Secret Medical Marijuana Community Thriving in Central Florida

Just up the road from Cassadega, Florida, “Psychic Capital of the World,” there exists a tiny little community of septuagenerians who are defying Florida law in order to make their lives more tolerable.

“Hemp Hollow” is what the residents there affectionately call their little hamlet. You won’t find it on any map, and unless you are one of “them,” you would never even know it exists. But every day, the smell of brownies fills the air as 70+ year old grandmothers spend their mornings cleaning marijuana buds and incorporating them into some of the best baked goodies you’ve ever had.

Lola Lipshitz, (not her real name) a transplant from Long Island, New York, has been living in Hemp Hollow for close to two years now and says if it weren’t for her finding the place, she’d most likely be living, in her words, “a crappy existence in one of those state-run assisted living facilities playing bingo every Wednesday night and eating beanie-weenies out of a can.”

Lipshitz, together with her life partner Wanda Wolfshitz (not her real name either) founded the colony of elderly potheads after they visited Lola’s daughter in San Francisco and found a doctor who would prescribe medicinal marijuana for their various ailments.

“I had a bad case of the shingles,” said Lola, “and my daughter took me to a doctor who told me point blank, “you need pot, honey.” At first, Lola said she was dead set against it, but with a little coaxing, she ate her first pot brownie and from there it was like a whole new world opened up for her.

Lola and Wanda grow their own medicinal marijuana in a large storage shed that stands in the middle of a wooded area out back of their home. “Fortunately, we live quite a ways away from an incorporated area. We grow prize roses,” said Lola, “and, so far, we’ve been lucky. Everyone thinks that’s why we have all that fertilizer and potting soil.”

Wanda says they don’t know what they’d do if either of them got caught, “cause we have about ten of our neighbors who are counting on us for those brownies.” But both agree that living on the edge being “ganja grannies” as those who know them have so dubbed them, is way better than bingo, beanie-weanies and bedsores any day.

Senate Considers Replacing Part of Medicare Plan with Medical Marijuana Plan

~Sorry for two pot stories in a row, but even I can’t control the need to know…p. beckert

While the debate in the Senate continues over whether to raise taxes on the rich, cut spending on Social Security and Medicare, or both in order to deal with the debt ceiling crisis, there is one option on the table that is getting quite a bit of attention from both sides—incorporating a medical marijuana option into Medicare-Part D, the national prescription drug plan.

Just as Franklin D. Roosevelt saw a need and filled it with the Social Security Act of 1935, and President Lyndon B. Johnson oversaw the establishment of Medicare within the Social Security Act of 1965, a new amendment to the Social Security Act is long overdue.

Luckily, President Obama sees that need and is now poised to put his full support behind an amendment plan written by Representative Dennis Kucinich (D-Ohio). His plan is simple and effective--include a National Medical Marijuana Plan as an alternative for seniors and those with medical conditions who are finding it hard to purchase over-priced and sometimes dangerous prescription medications.

“It just makes sense,” Obama reportedly stated after one particularly grueling night trying to convince some conservatives that they all better think of ways to produce a rabbit from the proverbial hat that is the budget mess or they are all gonna get kicked out on their keisters come 2012.

Surprisingly enough, this is one idea that received much positive feedback from both sides of the aisle, save for a few diehard alcoholic senators who don’t want to step on the toes of their largest campaign contributors, i.e. booze manufacturers.

Hoping to sell the amendment, Obama told those in attendance, “The largest portion of our populace-- the baby boomers--are well on their way to retirement age. Many of them,” he joked, “already know the medical benefits of marijuana, regardless of whether or not it’s legal.”

Then, in a more sincere tone, he told them, “We need something that doesn’t cost the United States government an arm and a leg to fund. Marijuana is cheap to grow, it’s a natural substance, and with many illegal immigrants in places like California, Oregon and Colorado already growing it for us, all we need to do is grant them asylum in exchange for them turning over their marijuana plants to us to process and provide to those in need medicinally. It’s almost too simple.”

Obama held private talks with Kucinich before putting his support behind the budget plan/Social Security Act amendment. The main thing Obama wanted to know was how much of a chance he had selling the idea to the Senate.

Kucinich handed him a tray of brownies and told him, “Offer them a few treats with their afternoon coffee sir. I guarantee you’ll get the thing passed.”

Ed Note: News reports out today claiming the Federal government recently ruled that pot has no medicinal value and should be classified in the same category as heroin are patently false. It is vitally important to reiterate you can’t believe everything you read.

Marijuana Candles Give New Meaning to the Term Melting Pot

A new product is hitting store shelves in the states where medical marijuana is legal. “Melting Pot” candles. The candles are made from a mixture of beeswax and potent medical marijuana and are the brainchild of Potpend Home Products, manufacturer of various pot products for the home.

These unique candles have been approved for use by the FDA, DEA, FDIC and NATO. Said company spokesperson, Patrick Pending, “we realized when medical marijuana became legal in many states, there would be some people who would not be able to take it the traditional way, i.e. by smoking a pipe or a marijuana cigarette, so we decided to do something about it.

Our candles are produced in such a way as to incorporate just the right amount of marijuana within the beeswax allowing for a consistent dispersal of medicament in a small area. This, along with the patented wider wick, allows the patient(s) to gather around it and gain the full benefits just by normally breathing in the smoke.”

Mr. Pending claims that he and his colleagues have spent many, many man hours testing the candles and can attest to their potency and effectiveness. “Not only do the candles help to alleviate the symptoms of so many medical maladies, but they also lend a calming ambiance to any room,” said Pending.

Melting Pot candles will be sold alongside traditional medical marijuana in marijuana dispensaries, and the company hopes someday soon to be able to sell them at local Wal-Mart and Target stores. In addition, the group is hoping to produce smaller taper-type rainbow drip candles like the ones made popular in the 60’s. “After all,” said Pending, “sometimes it takes more than just a medicated candle to make someone feel good.”

Patio Pal Pot Plant Kit Receives Conditional US Patent

An enterprising inventor has just announced his success in obtaining a conditional patent for a garden container he calls the “Patio Pal Pot Plant Kit.”

Bartholomew “Bongo “ Jones, age 74, has been working on obtaining a patent for the Patio Pal for three years and was delighted when he finally received word that his invention has passed the second of three hurdles in becoming an item that can be sold in stores nationwide [legally].

“Unfortunately,” said Bongo, “the last hurdle is the killer”…getting the feds to allow him to sell drug paraphernalia across state lines. However, once that glitch is worked out, Bongo claims that it is only a matter of a few months before consumers will be able to purchase the Patio Pal Pot Plant Kits complete with several different varieties of seeds at their local medical marijuana dispensaries [in states with medical marijuana laws on the books].

“All you will need is your medical marijuana card, a patio, and a green thumb,” claims the gardening grandpa,“and you’ll be growing your own pot from a hanging pot on your porch just like the professionals.”

Fashioned after the highly popular ‘Topsy Turvy’ upside down tomato planter, Bongo claims you can grow your pot in either direction. “Grow them right side up,” says Bongo, “or upside down to goof on your friends. It’s your choice.”

Bongo guarantees the special hybrid cannabis seeds he sells with the pot (growing container) are designed to grow low to the soil, but at the same time retain all the medicinal properties of plants three or four times their height.

The kits should be in local dispensaries come late summer in time for the fall growing season.

Got Cannabis? Ad Campaign Convinces Big Names to Star in Commercials

In one of the largest attempts yet to get the word out on legalization of marijuana in California, a large Los Angeles public relations firm by the name of Blunt and Schuster (BSPR) has come up with a ‘Got Cannabis?’ ad campaign that will star some heavy hitters from the entertainment world.

Like the ‘Got Milk?’ campaign years ago touting the benefits of drinking milk, the Got Cannabis? campaign will pull out all the stops to inform the public just how beneficial pot smoking is. The tag line for the campaign will be “Pot, It’s not just for getting high anymore,” alluding to the fact that medical marijuana is just one of the reasons that marijuana should no longer be considered a controlled or illegal substance.

Already the campaign has received confirmation from such notables as Jennifer Aniston, Steve Martin, Jon Stewart and Lady Gaga to star in the ads. “The bennies to doing an ad campaign where every set has a lit bong going is all the payment I need,” said Martin, who admitted that the only time he doesn’t smoke pot is at dawn. Of course, the actors will receive monetary compensation for their time. BSPR says it’s just a matter of hashing out the details.

In addition to the above celebrities, talks are ongoing to get Roseanne and Jack Nicholson to appear in ads as well. BSPR has indicated that a few other very well-known celebrities have caught wind of the project and are eager to offer their talents as well as the campaign progresses.

Doona Blunt, top creative executive at BSPR claims that this ad campaign will finally lift the lid off the stigma of legalizing marijuana and allow the truth to come out. “It will be bigger than Save the Whales, that guy in the Old Spice commercials, or even Ted Williams’ voiceover for Kraft Macaroni and Cheese.”

The ads are expected to air right around the 4^th of July and will feature a semi-nude Jennifer Aniston holding a blunt with one hand and her naked breast with the other, asking, “If you had a choice between attending parties with rowdy drunks or mellowed-out pot heads, which would you choose?”

Bumper Crop of Medical Marijuana Expected in White House Garden

Thanks to a wet and mild spring in the nation’s capital this year, a bumper crop of medical marijuana is expected in the White House garden. Tommy Chong, chief Japanese gardener, (no relation to that other Tommy Chong) claims the plants have started taking over the entire garden.

“This is the first year we decided to grow cannabis in the herb section of the garden,” says Chong “and it’s taking over the place. We’ve got some plants reaching the 2-foot height already and this is only May. We tried cutting the plants back to allow the other herbs to grow, but it just seems to create a stronger plant. The damn things are like those Tribbles in Star Trek. You can’t get rid of them.”

Chong added, half jokingly, “I suspect one of the gardening interns has been sneaking extra plant food to the pot plants to make sure they live long and prosper.”

News of an over-abundant crop of marijuana coming out of the White House garden has already created quite a buzz in medical marijuana circles around the country. Requests are pouring in from dozens of dispensaries inquiring what the White House intends to do with all that pot and offering to take the majority of it off their hands.

Bud Wilkins, who runs the Acme Collective in Sacramento, California, says that as soon as he heard there would be a bumper crop of Maui Waui ready for cultivation later this summer, he jumped on the horn to the White House spokesperson in charge of the project asking for a hand out.

“I remember reading somewhere that the White House issued a statement earlier in the year saying that the pot would not be distributed to local dispensaries. That damn near brought tears to my eyes,” said Wilkins. “I figured since we’re not local, I had to give it a shot.”

Several groups from California, Colorado and Oregon have put in bids as well to try and get some of the primo pot to hand out to their patients. Mary Bridges, official spokesperson for the pet pot project at the White House says she sees no reason why the bumper crop shouldn’t be distributed to those in need of it. “Now all we have to do is sell the President on the idea,” she said.

Bridges surmised that it wouldn’t be much of a problem at all convincing the President and First Lady to distribute the pot to those who need it the most. “After all,” she said, “he has pretty much proven he’ll do just about anything to make sure Americans get the best of everything when it comes to health care.”

Patriots for Pot Put Support behind Morgan Freeman for President

A more liberal-leaning sect of the Tea Party known as the Patriots for Pot are putting their money behind actor Morgan Freeman for President even though he’s not running (officially).

Dilbert “Doobie” Warner, President of the Patriots for Pot Party (PPP) located in Denver, Colorado says that the members of his party were faced with choosing a candidate to back from a list of some really heavy hitters, but in the end, Morgan Freeman was their number one choice.

When asked what qualifications Freeman has for being President in the minds of the members of his party, Doobie replied, “Well, for starters, he’s already been President, sort of. He was President Tom Beck in the movie Deep Impact, and we all think that was an awesome movie, especially when you’re high and that asteroid starts hurtling towards earth. It was so real, man!”

“But on a presidential note,” said Doobie, “Morgan Freeman has this really cool deep voice, but not creepy like James Earl Jones as Darth Vader. Freeman’s is more authoritative but considerate. We like that in a candidate.”

Asked if those were the only reasons, Doobie responded, “What? I’m sorry. I must have drifted off there for a minute thinking about the Jedi warrior fight in Star Wars. What were we just talking about?”

Morgan Freeman could not be reached for comment on this story as he was on location making a movie about the life and times of Grover Cleveland.

Medical Marijuana to be Grown in White House Garden this Year

It is the first week of February, and for Michelle Obama, this means it is time to start planning the White House organic garden. While the garden will again contain a variety of fruits and vegetables as well as a few ornamental flowers, a new addition is sure to create the most controversy ever.

The White House organic garden will include several varieties of medical marijuana. The District of Columbia, like many states, has enacted medical marijuana laws allowing the cultivation of marijuana for medical purposes. A special gardener with a marijuana growing license has been appointed to oversee this particular plot of the garden.

Tommy Chong, no relation to Tommy Chong of Cheech and Chong fame, is a Japanese gardener who is well versed in the various types of cannabis and their medicinal properties. Marijuana will comprise only a small part of the “medicinal herb” portion of the White House garden this year, which will also include various sage plants, lemon verbena, St. Johnswort, Valerian, Feverfew, Eyebright, and others.

A spokesperson for the garden project claims that this will be a first for the White House. “Marijuana has gotten a bad rap for decades,” said Mary Bridges, no relation to Jeff Bridges, notorious for his vocal backing of the legalization of marijuana. “Cultivating medical marijuana in the White House garden will send a clear message to America that this administration will do whatever it takes, including growing Maui Waui, (a particularly potent Hawaiian variety of the plant) to assure better health for our citizens.”

Asked if this means that the medical marijuana grown in the White House garden will be distributed and sold to local dispensaries in the area, Ms. Bridges replied “Oh heavens no. While growing medical marijuana is allowed, we have not yet approved the opening of any dispensaries in our area.

Anticipating the next question, Ms. Bridges explained “No, the Obamas are in excellent health and will not be using the marijuana themselves for any health issues.”  

Spontaneous Pot Combustion in Church Rectory Causes High Mass

Police and fire crews were called to Our Lady of Perpetual Forgiveness in Worcester, Massachusetts last Saturday evening when a church secretary called to report a strange smell emanating throughout the chapel where mass was being held. At first, everyone thought that the priest must have been burning incense and didn’t think anything of it, but as the smell got stronger and some of the faithful began giggling uncontrollably, it became apparent that something was amiss.

The priest, however, seemed unwilling to allow his service to be disrupted and went on with his sermon, albeit his words becoming more and more difficult to comprehend. One parishioner claims at one point, the priest began sermonizing about out-of-body experiences and vibrational patterns of the universe before sitting down in front of the potted mums and “getting into” the unusual purple color someone had dyed them.” That is when the secretary, who had been sitting in the furthest row and appeared to be less affected by the smoke, snuck outside and used her cell phone to call 911.

Upon arrival, the police found the congregation dancing around in the chapel and singing “Jesus Christ Superstar” as the priest chowed down on the entire plate of wafers, washing it down with the wine set aside for communion.

A search of the source of the smoke in the chapel netted no results; however, police did confirm that the smell was definitely that of burning marijuana and not incense. The priest and the congregation were led outdoors into the fresh air, as the police continued their search for the source of the smoke.

They opened the door to the rectory and that is where they saw a smoldering fire in the corner. A pile of oily rags appeared to have spontaneously combusted and set ablaze a large bag of marijuana obviously left behind by a carpenter who had been hired by the Church earlier in the day to work on restoration of the woodwork in the rectory.

Police were unable to locate the carpenter for further questions. The priest claims he just showed up on the Church steps with a story about being out of work and asking for a hand out. The priest says he put him to work in the rectory promising him some fish and bread upon completion of the task. No one has seen or heard from the man since.

President Obama Celebrates Earth Day by Promising to Legalize Marijuana

“Today, as we celebrate Earth Day, we must keep in mind all the wonderful plants and weeds that Mother Nature has provided for us for medicinal purposes, some of which are perfectly legal to use at our disposal, while others may have to wait just a tad longer to become a part of our own personal medicine chests.”

“While I don’t wish to make light of the seriousness of whether or not marijuana should be legalized in this great country of ours, I will say that I am honestly just not sure what all the buzz is about. I mean, it is a natural organic substance and can be cultivated just like lettuce or tomatoes in so many of our good citizens’ gardens. It’s not like it is being concocted in some pharmaceutical lab. It is God’s gift to man and government should have no hand in denying American citizens their God-given rights. Just ask those gun rights people about God-given rights.”

“So let me make one thing perfectly clear. Marijuana is not a bad substance and the quicker we get legislation to make it legal to grow and possess it on a personal level, the quicker we’ll get the bad guys off the streets and Mexico can go back to being a sleepy third-world country instead of thinking of new ways to get their Mexican brand of weed across the border.”

At least that’s what a bunch of my friends thought he was saying when they were all chowing down on some munchies and watching CNN News with the volume turned way down. 

Pot Growers Hire PR Firm to Develop Marijuana Marketing Plan

Los Angeles, CA – “The times, they are a changin’, again,” remarked Henry “Pops” Champion to a group of medical marijuana clinic owners and pot growers who all agree that it is time to finally pull out all the stops in getting marijuana prohibition lifted in California, and eventually, nationwide. Pops has been a lifelong smoker and proponent of legalized marijuana.

“Way back in 1996, Proposition 215 was passed allowing anyone with a doctor’s note to cultivate and use medical marijuana in California for a number of ailments, and in our efforts to assist those folks by offering quality grown and processed medical marijuana--not that street dope--we’ve been harassed like common criminals, and it’s time we spoke up for ourselves,” Pops continued.

“Some folks say we want to make California the Netherlands of the United States. That’s simply not true. We don’t want to be another Netherlands. Hell, man, we can’t even speak Dutch,” said Champion, to thunderous applause.

Yuri Lehigh then took the stage. “Man, all our lives we’ve tried to tell people that pot is a lot less harmful than booze and pharmaceuticals, but would the Feds listen? No. Now, after years of abusing alcohol and pills in place of marijuana, only because we could obtain them legally, we find our health dwindling and, ironically, one of the best natural substances for our ailments, from tired eyes to over-worked livers is pot. When are they going to wake up and smell the bud, man?”

“I mean, have you seen the ads on television for some of those ‘legal’ prescription drugs they’re trying to push on us, man? Clear up your allergies, but at the same time, be careful cause you’re gonna get dizzy and pass out and have bad stomach cramps and diarrhea and what not, man, but yeah, like you sure will breathe better. That is like total bullshit, man,” said Lehigh.

He continued, “and booze and beer commercials, what the fu*k is that, man? Have a few beers at a game, drink yourself silly on some Spiced Rum or Kaluha at a friend’s house, but hey, don’t drive. How the hell do you think they’re gonna get home, man? Sure, like anyone is gonna drink responsibly. The whole thing’s a ruse, man. We all know pot is way safer and we have to find a way to get that point across.”

A budget of several million dollars has been put aside by private business owners to fund the marketing campaign on legalizing marijuana, as well as offering several marijuana-based products. We spoke to an ad executive sent to the meeting to get some ideas about what direction they want the ad campaign to take. “Off the top of my head, man, I think what we want to do first is alleviate the notion that pot is a gateway drug and instead, do a little play on words and portray pot as a ‘gateway to health’ drug instead.”

“Then,” he said, “we want to take marijuana as mainstream as we can as quickly as we can. Think Burt’s Bees-type coverage. This Burt guy starts out with a few beehives and selling honey by the side of the road and today, he’s got candles, lip balms, lotions, you name it, in drug stores and co-ops around the country. We want the same type of exposure.”

We wanted to know if he knew that there were already several ad campaigns running in the state of California trying to push legalization of marijuana, and he said that he did, “but,” he said, “they don’t seem to be making much of an impact. We think our campaign will push the Feds over the edge and ultimately give the people what they want. This isn’t about taxes, it’s not about politics, it is about people wanting their marijuana without going to jail for it, period.”

We asked him how you can market something that is still considered an illegal substance, and he responded by saying “the way we figure it, if we put it out there as a legitimate product, the Feds sooner or later will fold under the pressure of having to do their jobs and regulate it, just like in the pharmaceutical and alternative medicine industry, and that’s when we’ll make our move to get pot accepted in the public eye. We’re even thinking about a complete line of herb teas called ‘Mary-Jane Herbal Wonder Teas.’ With all the things you can do with weed, man, the sky’s the limit once it’s legalized, and we want to make sure we’re ready to deliver products when that day comes.”

The main target audience of the ad campaign will be the over-50 crowd who have been fighting the good fight for over 40 years now, and it’s a pretty safe bet that if pot were legal, would make up the biggest demographic for sales. Said Pops, “They love the shit, man, you know? And we’re gonna do our best to see that it gets legalized in our lifetime, so they can start enjoying it in as many products as we can come up with.”

First Marijuana Cafe Opens in US

Portland, OR – The first public café offering medical marijuana in the United States opened in Portland, Oregon last Friday. Now instead of grits, you can get a side of real “hash” browns with those eggs.

“What a great concept,” said one new customer. “Now, after smoking a fattie, I just sit back and order anything from the menu, instead of having to run down the street to the local mini-mart for my munchies.”

Said another first-time patron, “Yeah, man, I love this joint. I can get my Colombian two ways in the morning…coffee and well, you know...I love this joint, man.”

“The only real problem we’ve come across so far,” said Zeke Brista (not his real name) “is getting people to leave. The turnaround time in a regular coffee shop is somewhere between 30 minutes to an hour, with most folks just taking their coffee to go. We have been getting the same customers in here since opening day. They’re here when we open and they leave when we close.” Asked if that is already affecting their bottom line, Zeke answered “hell no, man, those people can put away the brownies.”

And we’re willing to bet the pot roast ain’t too bad either.