Republican “Prayercast” Convinces Santa to Skip Obama House This Year

Malia and Sasha Obama woke up to a pretty lame Christmas morning when they discovered that Santa had not visited their house this year. Said Michelle Obama, “had Barack and I not prepared for this contingency, the girls would have had no Christmas at all. Thank goodness we had the foresight to ask what would happen if some short-minded Republican Party leaders decided to pray against a nice Christmas for our children, and we went ahead and sent over some staff members to get some Elmos and I-pods for the girls at Walmart.”

Unfortunately, with no fireplace in the house the Obamas were staying in, Malia and Sasha insisted on placing milk and cookies on the front veranda for Santa. The contingency plan by Michelle and Barack went horribly awry when President Obama, thinking his staff had taken care of it, did not secretly eat the milk and cookies to make it look like Santa had visited. “I am so used to having every little mundane chore done for me these days that it didn’t even occur to me that one of my staff members wouldn’t think to get rid of the milk and cookies before morning.”

“The first thing those girls did when they woke up in the morning was to go out on the veranda to see if the milk and cookies were gone. They were not.” said Barack. “The kids were heartbroken when they realized what that meant. Santa Claus did not make a visit to the Obama home this year.”

Upon hearing the news, Rep. Michele Bachmann (R-MN) and Sen. Jim DeMint (R-SC), in a joint news conference Saturday jubilantly praised God, Tony Perkins and Lou Engle for the success of the “prayercast” they had commissioned to see to it that if the Senate Healthcare Reform Bill passed, then Santa would either put lots of dirty coal in Barack Obama’s stockings or would just pass over the Obama household altogether. Said Michele (Bachmann), “we have no idea why our original prayercasts didn’t work in bringing down the Senate vote on healthcare reform, but this small victory, seeing to it that Santa passed over the Obamas this year, was a major coup for the religious right and shows us that with a little more effort, these prayercasts can change the direction of this country.”

No word on how much Perkins and Engle were paid for performing what is being touted as a “major act of God,” but there are reports that each woke up Christmas morning to find brand new Hummer SUTs parked in their respective driveways.
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Mall Santas to Goldman Sachs: Hand Over the Vaccine

New York, NY – In a jolly but firm tone, the Association of Mall Santas (AMS) has issued a formal demand to Wall Street giant Goldman Sachs to hand over all their doses of the swine flu vaccine to the thousands of Mall Santas across the country, who are going into this holiday season woefully unprepared to face one of the deadliest flu viruses to hit the world in recent memory. “If Virginia were alive today,” said one jolly old elf, “she’d be at high risk of catching a deadly disease from her most loved adult figure. Yes, Virginia, there is a swine flu-carrying Santa Claus after all.”

The latest in a number of organizations that have stepped up recently to implore Goldman Sachs to do the right thing by giving up their doses of the vaccine to more deserving at-risk organizations, the Santas claim that their need is greatest due to the fact that in just over a week, they are going to be forced to come in direct contact with what one Santa referred to as “little Petrie dishes that sit on our laps.” There is a good possibility that kids could get more than just toys for Christmas, i.e. a case of the deadly swine flu.

For this reason, the Santas are pulling out all the stops to convince the hale and hearty executives at Goldman to give back the vaccine, including threatening to put each and every one of them on their “naughty” list. Said one mall Santa, “You don’t even wanna go there, especially with the country already up in arms about those bonuses.”

The CDC, while not specifically siding with the Santas, does agree that not only are the children at risk of contracting swine flu by chancing an impromptu visit to their local Mall Santa, but the Santas themselves are in a higher risk category due to the fact that most are considered obese, a risk factor that figures heavily (no pun intended) in contracting the virus. “All those years of milk and cookies and candy canes have really taken a toll on Old St. Nick,” commented the Center’s official spokesperson.

While waiting on Goldman to “do the right thing,” the AMS has issued the following statement for all Mall Santas in order to cut down on the risk of contracting the deadly swine flu virus or spreading it to their tiny visitors:

“Sterilize, sterilize, sterilize. Most Santas are no stranger to alcohol, but this year especially, use as much alcohol as you can to kill those pesky germs. There is no better sterilizer on the planet. And for the outside of the body, use germicidal soap and hand sanitizer often.”