Michele Bachmann Claims Soul Scrubbing May Someday Cure Gayness

By now, just about everyone has heard rumors about Michele Bachmann’s husband’s attempts to find ways to cure gayness through therapy. While most people believe this simply cannot be done, others are interested in knowing more about another, more secretive, experiment the Bachmanns are involved with through the Fellowship, aka the Family.

The Family is a US-based religious and political organization with deep connections to Washington and it pretty much sets the standard for practicing Christians, telling them what they can and cannot think or believe. With the vast amount of money the Family is putting behind this new secretive research project, many of those involved claim it has more than an 80% chance of success.

Dubbed “Hetero-Soul” the project aims to free gay men and women from the confines of their sexual leanings, help them get rid of their “gay” mannerisms, and help them become more attractive to the opposite sex. But more than that, this program aims to actually go deeper into these individuals’ souls and cleanse them with a process called “soul scrubbing,” a process much like washing the mouth out with soap after a child has uttered curse words.

At a recent fundraiser, Bachmann was asked whether she believed Soul Scrubbing actually worked to erase the gay tendencies of men and women, to which she responded that while the research is in the early stages, i.e. it hasn’t actually been tested on humans (or barbarians as her husband refers to them) yet, she does believe the concept is doable.

In fact, as Michele was giving this interview, Marcus Bachmann was seen leaving the second of several gay bars he planned on frequenting for the evening trying to find test subjects for his Soul Scrubbing. When reporters caught up with him and asked him what he was doing in the company of the gay men, he would only say that he was on a secret mission to save souls.

Michele Bachmann Claims God Sometimes Tells Her to Say Stupid Things

Michele Bachmann appeared on CBS’s Face the Nation Sunday to cover her tracks yet again with the familiar line “Of course, that’s not what I meant to say. I was just trying to be funny.” Bachmann was trying to explain away some comments she made last week linking Hurricane Irene and the DC earthquake directly to God’s displeasure with America.

Bachmann is becoming known for her proselytizing on the campaign trail and admits it is becoming a bit of a problem.

“I know I should be able to tell when God is speaking directly through me and when he’s just trying to have a little fun,” said Bachmann. “But honestly, sometimes, as the words are coming out of my mouth I think ‘whoops, God’s pulling another fast one on me,’ but by then, it’s usually too late.”

Psychiatrist Pressured by GOP to Recant Statements About 2012 Candidates

“They’re all pretty much a little nuts in my opinion,” claims Hans Bruchtern, Psy.D., resident psychologist at Tri-State Valley Hospital in Kentucky. Dr. Bruchtern was being interviewed for an upcoming magazine article focusing on the rise in personality disorder diagnoses in Americans within the past two decades. When asked what he thought about some of the outrageous claims Tea Party candidates such as Michele Bachmann and Rick Perry have made recently on the campaign trail, Bruchtern was extremely candid.

“Oh, it’s not just the fact that Tea Party candidates are saying loopy things,” he said. “Judging from what these candidates say they are going to do if they become President of the United States should have most Americans shaking in their boots. I think just about every candidate out there has some sort of personality disorder that needs to be treated, and if one of them is elected, we may just become the Untied States of America.”

Asked to elaborate, Bruchtern told the reporter “Honestly? I think they’re all pretty much narcissistic to some degree. Some more so than others.”

Bruchtern claims that the better-looking candidates such as Rick Perry, Michele Bachmann and Mitt Romney have gotten by in life on their looks and therefore, when they hit the campaign trail, “they pretty much think they can say what they want to get votes and people will just fall all over them. They honestly believe they are America’s only hope.”

Asked if there is a test out there that can be taken by the candidates to determine once and for all if, in fact, they do suffer from personality disorders and if so, are any of them a threat, especially if they do get elected, Bruchtern answered cautiously.

“Let’s look at someone who is definitely considered by the psychiatric community to suffer from borderline personality disorder, i.e. Dick Cheney,” said Dr. Bruchtern. Now mind you, no one will admit this, and I probably wouldn’t accept any invites from him to go hunting after giving this interview, but the fact of the matter is that man, to this day, still believes that waterboarding is not a form of torture. That, in and of itself, speaks volumes.”

Once the interview was completed, the reporter asked the good doctor to spell his name correctly for the publication. “Sure, said the doctor. That’s Hans, spelled J-o-h-n, Bruchtern, spelled S-m-i-t-h.”

Today’s Top Republican Headlines

Rick Perry Announced Today His Readiness to Announce His Announcement of Whether or Not He is Considering Announcing His Announcement to Seek the GOP Nomination for President of the United States – Austin American-Statesman

Grover Norquist Denies He Was Once a Furry Blue Muppet – The Cleveland Plain Dealer

Michele Bachmann Worries She May Be Raptured Before Becoming the First Female President – StarTribune

John Boehner’s Tan Fading, Says He’s Ready to Make a Deal with Obama – Golfer’s Weekly Digest

Newt Gingrich’s Personal Debt Ceiling Raised - Richmond Times-Dispatch

Former Vice President Dick Cheney Suggests Waterboarding May Bring About Debt Ceiling Solution – Wyoming Tribune Eagle

Former President George W. Bush ‘Happy as a Pig in Slop’ He’s No Longer President – Dallas-Ft. Worth News

Newt Gingrich Challenges Michele Bachmann to Mud Wrestling Match

Just hours after Michele Bachmann told a supporter that the media would love to see a mud wrestling match between her and Sarah Palin, Bachmann’s phone began ringing off the hook.

But it wasn’t supporters congratulating her on her hard stand telling liberals they weren’t gonna get their wish. Surprisingly, it was Newt Gingrich calling to see if there were a chance Michele would wrestle him instead.

Insiders claim that as soon as Gingrich saw news reports of Bachmann telling folks she wasn’t going to mud wrestle Sarah Palin, he was visibly upset. But, they say, the more he thought about it, the more he realized this might be a golden opportunity for him to get into that act.

“Newt’s always said that the thing he loves best about politics is the fact that you can get down and dirty with your opponents,” said Ham String, Newt’s closest adviser. “I could see the light bulb going off over Newt’s head when he realized that there was a possibility of a mud wrestling match between himself and Michele Bachmann.”

Of course, Bachmann’s camp claims not only is Michele not considering a mud wrestling match with any of her opponents, but in regards to Newt Gingrich in particular, she already has a plan in place to get a restraining order against him should he show up at her home with bags of dirt, a hose and a diamond tennis bracelet.

Palin Getting Passed Around Like ‘Moonshine at a Hoedown’

Fur started to fly Monday afternoon just hours after Michele Bachmann publicly announced that Sarah Palin would be her top choice for VP in the 2012 presidential elections. This announcement came on the heels of her expected announcement to officially seek the GOP nomination for President in 2012.

When a reporter asked her, “Do you have any clue whom you might want to run alongside you if you do get the GOP nod?” Bachmann didn’t hesitate.

“Oh, that’s an easy one,” she said smiling. “I want Sarah Palin to be my Vice President.” When asked why, Bachmann answered “Well, for one thing, she’s experienced in that area, you know, been there, done that, not to mention the fact that she looks incredible in that red leather jacket.”

Asked if Bachmann thought Palin was better prepared to be VP this time around, she replied, “Don’t really care. If you remember back in 2008, it didn’t matter much when she was running with John [McCain], so I’m not really worried. I think I can carry the ticket for the both of us.”

News spread fast and just a half hour later, Sarah Palin appeared at her own press conference in Iowa with some choice words for Bachmann. “Michele Bachmann is out of her freakin’ mind,” adding, “Well, not totally out of her mind, I guess. She did choose me. But thanks, no thanks Michele. I got better things to do with my time.”

Word travels fast, and almost as soon as she announced her choice for VP, Bachmann recanted her offer. “What an ungrateful b-word. I made a mistake. Palin is so off my presidential ticket.”

Meanwhile, 4 out of the 7 GOP hopefuls have already sent letters to Palin asking if she would consider running as their vice president. Tim Pawlenty allegedly told Bachmann, “Look Michele, if you don’t want her, I’ll take her.”

All this back and forth adds to the rumors that Palin is being passed around between serious Republican candidates like moonshine at a hoe down. This leads to even more rumors that this time around, no one is taking Sarah Palin seriously as a presidential candidate, including Palin herself as she's been quoted more than once saying “I’ve got better things to do with my time.”

Can Newt Gingrich Stay Out of Trouble with Bachmann and Palin in GOP Race

In order for Newt Gingrich to be able to compete in a widening field of candidates for the GOP Presidential nomination, he’s had to come clean about his past womanizing. While no one is really buying his excuse that his passion for his country led him to act inappropriately at times, that very passion may just be his downfall again if Michele Bachmann and Sarah Palin continue their individual quests for the same nomination.

It’s cost Newt a half million in jewelry so far to keep his wife Callista happy. Image how much more it’s gonna cost if he spends too much time on the campaign trail bumping into those two conservative sirens. Many are asking if he’ll be able to tame his passion in view of the fact that both women are reasonably attractive and both claim to be extremely patriotic themselves. The temptation may prove to be too much for Newt.

Actually, during Monday’s GOP debate where several close ups caught Gingrich appearing just a little too happy to be situated next to Michele Bachmann, bets were already on that he’s looking to extend his line of credit at Tiffany’s.

Jesus Declines Dinner Invite from Congresswoman Michele Bachmann

“Sorry, Michele, I’m busy that night,” was the unfortunate reply to Congresswoman, Michele Bachmann’s invitation to dinner to none other than Jesus Christ, her personal Lord and Savior. The woman from Minnesota was crushed.

“Sure, I got definite yeses from Adam, the first man, and George Washington. I even got a definite maybe from Johann Bach, whose music would make a lovely background for the pheasant dinner I’ve got planned,” said Bachmann. “But not having Jesus there, well, I’ve waited all my life for this moment and I definitely feel he’s let me down.”

Bachmann was asked who she would ask to take the place of Jesus now that she definitely won’t be dining with the Son of God. “Well, I’ve got a B list. Everyone who is a good hostess has a B list you know. And I’ve got Ann Coulter advising me on this very important choice. I suppose at this late date, all we can hope for is a yes from our fellow non-feminist, Phyllis Schlafly. Really, next to Jesus, she ultimately shaped my life. Without her influence, I might be a (God-forbid) single mother or worse, a divorcee.”

Republican “Prayercast” Convinces Santa to Skip Obama House This Year

Malia and Sasha Obama woke up to a pretty lame Christmas morning when they discovered that Santa had not visited their house this year. Said Michelle Obama, “had Barack and I not prepared for this contingency, the girls would have had no Christmas at all. Thank goodness we had the foresight to ask what would happen if some short-minded Republican Party leaders decided to pray against a nice Christmas for our children, and we went ahead and sent over some staff members to get some Elmos and I-pods for the girls at Walmart.”

Unfortunately, with no fireplace in the house the Obamas were staying in, Malia and Sasha insisted on placing milk and cookies on the front veranda for Santa. The contingency plan by Michelle and Barack went horribly awry when President Obama, thinking his staff had taken care of it, did not secretly eat the milk and cookies to make it look like Santa had visited. “I am so used to having every little mundane chore done for me these days that it didn’t even occur to me that one of my staff members wouldn’t think to get rid of the milk and cookies before morning.”

“The first thing those girls did when they woke up in the morning was to go out on the veranda to see if the milk and cookies were gone. They were not.” said Barack. “The kids were heartbroken when they realized what that meant. Santa Claus did not make a visit to the Obama home this year.”

Upon hearing the news, Rep. Michele Bachmann (R-MN) and Sen. Jim DeMint (R-SC), in a joint news conference Saturday jubilantly praised God, Tony Perkins and Lou Engle for the success of the “prayercast” they had commissioned to see to it that if the Senate Healthcare Reform Bill passed, then Santa would either put lots of dirty coal in Barack Obama’s stockings or would just pass over the Obama household altogether. Said Michele (Bachmann), “we have no idea why our original prayercasts didn’t work in bringing down the Senate vote on healthcare reform, but this small victory, seeing to it that Santa passed over the Obamas this year, was a major coup for the religious right and shows us that with a little more effort, these prayercasts can change the direction of this country.”

No word on how much Perkins and Engle were paid for performing what is being touted as a “major act of God,” but there are reports that each woke up Christmas morning to find brand new Hummer SUTs parked in their respective driveways.
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Glenn Beck’s Daughter Sells Daddy’s Drool on E-Bay
Learning that his middle daughter was jonesing to go to Columbia University, Glenn Beck refused to pay for her tuition, stating “if you want to attend some hippie, liberal, communist center of lower learning in the middle of freaking Harlem, you won’t be doing it on my dime, sweetheart.”

So, what does any rich, spoiled dysfunctional daughter of one of the largest whackjobs on T.V. today do? You guessed it, she waited until daddy was passed out on the living room couch--after swigging his nightly cocktail of Nyquil Nighttime Cold and Flu So He Can Sleep Better After Peddling His Personal Brand of Hate on National T.V. Remedy on the rocks—grabbed some sterile gauze, and collected as much of his drool as she could to sell on E-bay, figuring it would at least garner a down payment on her first year’s tuition.

What happened next was a total shock. “Not only did I make enough off Daddy’s drool to pay for my first and second year of tuition at Columbia, but I also had a little left over to buy a cool tie-dyed t-shirt with Che Guevara’s face on it. Daddy is gonna have a freakin’ cow!” she said with a smirk.

Just what kind of person would have that kind of money to spend on something as gross, not to mention potentially dangerous, as Glenn Beck’s drool? Evidently, it was scooped up by a little-known group calling themselves the “Take Back America’s Genes Society” or TBAGS, who have been secretly paying for samples of bodily fluids and other potential sources of DNA from some of the most prominent conservatives in the country.

One spokeswoman, who did not want to be identified, was absolutely glowing over their newest addition to the TBAGS DNA bank. “Glenn Beck, this is incredible. We’ve been trying for years to get a DNA sample on this guy. You’d think with his long list of brushes with the law back in the days of his drinking and drug use, that someone would have kept a sample of his urine or hair. Even with his most recent hospitalization, we weren’t able to convince one hospital employee to hand over a hair or fingernail sample.” Then his daughter just offers it up on E-Bay. What a coup!”

In addition to Beck’s drool, TBAGS records indicate that their other samples include a toenail from Karl Rove, tissue samples from Dick Cheney after undergoing removal of flags under both arms, and nose hair from Rush Limbaugh. When asked if they plan on trying to obtain any DNA samples from Sarah Palin, the answer was a resounding “No!” Said Igor Kransky, head of the sample procurement department, “we here at TBAGS believe that Sarah Palin’s DNA is inherently lacking in the proper elements to make a true conservative clone and therefore we cannot run the risk of contaminating other truer samples.” He continued, “now bring me some leg shavings from Michele Bachmann, and we’ll definitely deal!”

As for Beck’s daughter, when asked if she had plans on selling anything else from her famous father, she jokingly said, “well, there is that white robe and hood tucked away in a corner in his closet that might fetch a pretty penny. Let’s see how my first year of college goes, and if need be, I’ll let you know.

Conservative Doll Series Out in Time for Christmas

Whiskey Creek, VA – Small independently-owned doll manufacturer, Patriate Pride, has announced a new line of dolls fashioned after the ideals of two of today’s most controversial conservative figures, Michele Bachmann and Sarah Palin. In fact, the “Michele” doll and the “Sarah” doll will be the cornerstones of the new series, “Pretty Pride.”

In an effort to override the popularity of other doll series that now take on a more urban persona, come equipped with hip-hop clothing and accessories, and which now indicate what Patriate Pride views as a decaying set of morals than when previously introduced, the Pretty Pride doll line features good looking Americans with picture perfect families. Patriate Pride hopes these new dolls will appeal to those seeking the throwback days of the ‘50’s, where mom stayed at home and cared for the family while dad went off to work every day; where everyone went to church on Sunday; and when God and Country were separate but equally respected when we put our hands over our hearts to recite the hallowed Pledge of Allegiance,” as one company spokesperson put it.

Clay and Sally Parsons, originators of the Patriate Pride line of dolls believe that this is an idea whose time has come. “It’s about taking our country back, and we have to teach our children what real homespun values are,” said Clay. “We’ve had enough of that free-wheeling progressive way of doing things and it’s time we pulled the reins in and went back to a time when morality wasn’t just something we talked about, but something we fervently believe in and practice daily. It is never too late to repent,” said Sally.

When asked specifically what it was that the Parsons didn’t like about the present offering of dolls on the market, both let out a laugh at the same time. “How much time do you have?” asked Clay. “There are so many things wrong with the dolls on the market today from having one line of doe-eyed dolls dressing like Saturday night hookers to giving Barbie a boombox and calling her Rappin’, Rockin’ Barbie. Barbie went from the girl next door to having a visibly pregnant friend, Midge.” Said Sally. “We felt it was time to bring Barbie back into the fold by introducing her to some wholesome females again.” When reminded that Midge was actually married and already had kids and was part of the Barbie Happy Family Neighborhood, Sally had this to say:

“Sure, there’s the Barbie Happy Family Neighborhood series, but again, the manufacturers missed the mark by including other children of mixed racial backgrounds in with the Barbie family package. I’m sure the parents of some of those kids are probably separated or divorced and we just don’t want that to be the case in the Pretty Pride series. That’s when we decided it was time to develop a line of dolls for our friends’ and family’s kids that speak to the good old-fashioned WWJD values we grew up on,” said Sally, totally not understanding the irony in that statement.

Clay confirmed that Michele will be the predominant doll in the Pretty Pride series. “We fashioned the Michele doll after someone who holds family values and Christianity dear to her heart, and we believe she embodies the only true American belief system.” The Michele doll comes dressed in a Chanel suit, pearl necklace, white gloves and carries a Bible. Other dolls in the Michele line include her husband, Marcus, her own five children, and of course 23 foster children.

“Some folks say we chose Michele because of how many dolls we can actually make money off of due to her fostering talents in real life,” said Sally. We didn’t really think about that when first coming up with the Pretty Pride dolls, but now that you mention it, those foster kids really will make us some money hopefully. That is what is so great about this line, it is so life-like.”

Patriate Pride is hoping this initial doll offering will take off and if it does well, they will introduce the other premiere doll of the series fashioned after Sarah Palin. The doll “Sarah” will come dressed in a designer dress with the tag still attached and hip waders, carrying a fishing pole in one hand, and a copy of the Constitution in the other.

Asked if they were considering adding an Alan Keyes doll or a Michael Steele doll to the line, they agreed it wasn’t out of the question to have a few “token” conservative dolls to round out the collection, but didn’t see it happening in the foreseeable future.

Asked if the Parsons felt that their Patriate Pride doll line may upset many progressives, they both agreed that this is something they just felt God called them to do and if it upsets the progressives, then so be it. Do they have any regrets then? Clay answered. “The only thing we regret is that Michele is a working mom. If she would just give up her day job and be a stay-at-home mom like Sarah has done, that would perfectly round out this particular play set.”

“Only in a perfect world,” sighed Sally. “Only in a perfect world.”