All White-All American Sports Venues Outlaw Ethnic Snacks

With the advent of all white, American-only teams in the near future, many sports venues have followed suit by removing any snacks that originated in any country other than America. That means, hamburgers, originally from Hamburg, Germany and hot dogs, or frankfurters, originally from Frankfurt, Germany, will no longer be served. Nachos, a Mexican treat, and, of course, pizza, an Italian staple, will also not find their way onto the snack menu.

French fries, no explanation needed there, and funnel cakes are considered foreign as well. Although the latter is thought to be an original treat from Pennsylvania, upon closer look it is actually Pennsylvania Dutch. Under the new rules, even snacks that are partially from America will not be considered for the menu.

The new menu changes have a few fans bewildered. In the case of the funnel cake deletion, one fan had this to say “what the hell do I care? I don’t think a sissy snack like funnel cake belongs on the menu at a sporting event anyways.”

So what does that leave? Well, there’s always peanuts, cracker jacks, potato chips, Coke and beer, albeit only American-made brews like Budweiser and Miller will be served. If you want Heineken or Corona, you’ll have to smuggle it into the park. Oh, and there will still be Buffalo wings, but you’ll have to forego the Bleu cheese dressing (French) and the carrot and celery sticks unless it can be proven that the veggies have been grown in American soil. And the ever popular Philly Cheesesteak can stay, provided it is made with American and not provolone or mozzarella cheese.

But don’t fret, rumor has it that the sandwich they plan on switching out for the hot dog is American as apple pie. Yep, you guessed it, Spam and American cheese on White Bread will be on the menu of every white venue across the land. The “Spamerican” sandwich, while wholly inedible, is expected to sell like hot cakes, which is ok because we’re pretty sure that hot cakes aren’t foreign either.

All White Basketball Teams Coming to a Southern Town Near You

Sometimes a story comes along that contains such overtly racist remarks that are so darned over the top that to try and rewrite it to fit within a satirical framework would do a great injustice to the story itself. This is such a story. Every name, every quote is real, and I repeat, this is not Satire. However, I also want to point out that as racist as this story comes across, it appears to be a sad attempt by a sad boxing promoter to grab some attention for his flagging basketball franchise business at the expense of black basketball players everywhere.

The story comes to us from Augusta, Georgia and the caption reads “Basketball league for white Americans targets Augusta.” Now in all fairness, before I go on, let me just say that Augusta Mayor, Deke Copenhaver, is not behind this idea and finds it absurd. Nevertheless, here’s what was proposed to Augusta by a group that calls itself the “All American Basketball Alliance.

I’m just going to let the quotes speak for themselves:

According to Don “Moose” Lewis, commissioner of the All American Basketball Alliance, they plan on starting their inaugural season in June and Lewis is hoping Augusta will be one of the 12 inaugural teams. Said Lewis: “Only players that are natural born United States citizens with both parents of Caucasian race are eligible to play in the league."

Claiming the move is not racist, Moose went on to state: "There's nothing hatred about what we're doing," he said. "I don't hate anyone of color. But people of white, American-born citizens are in the minority now. Here's a league for white players to play fundamental basketball, which they like." Lewis said he wants to emphasize fundamental basketball instead of "street-ball" played by "people of color."

"Would you want to go to the game and worry about a player flipping you off or attacking you in the stands or grabbing their crotch?" he (head redneck) said. "That's the culture today, and in a free country we should have the right to move ourselves in a better direction."

Although Lewis hasn’t yet found a city willing to buy one of his franchises for $10,000 (thank goodness), he is optimistic. "People will come out and support a product they can identify with. I'm the spoken minority right now, but if people will give us a chance, it'll work... The white game of basketball, which is essentially a fundamental game, works."

There’s only one way to finish up this article and that’s by stating the obvious, that Don “Moose” Lewis has more than a couple of screws loose. Oh, and for good measure, let’s throw in a complimentary redneck joke:

You know you’re a redneck if you think starting an all white, all American basketball league is an idea whose time has come no matter how many black boxers you manage.