Donald Trump Dons Blackface to Prove He is Not Racist

Donald Trump decided to pull out all the stops to put to rest once and for all the ridiculous notion that he is a racist. Scheduled to speak before a group of business leaders at his alma mater, Wharton School of Business in Philadelphia, Trump stepped onto the stage donning traditional blackface.

The first words out of his mouth were “I love the blacks.” The crowd sat in stunned silence as Trump then did what no other white presidential hopeful has done in the history of the United States. He stepped away from the podium and started to tap dance to the tune of “Mr. Bojangles.”

As the music came to an end, Trump walked back to the podium and gave a speech no one in the room will possibly forget for the remainder of their lives. “Yes, folks, I love the blacks and anyone who says I don’t can kiss my lily-white ass.”

“The same goes for the Jews,” he said. Trump went on to claim that he doesn’t apologize a bit for hiring only Jewish accountants. “Folks, if you want real ham, you don’t try and make it from a turkey, do you?”

Most of the business people in attendance were not the least bit offended by what they perceived as Donald Trump’s very real affection for the minorities he spoke about. “He didn’t get where he is by cottoning to people’s feelings,” said a close friend in attendance at the conference.

Trump finished up by telling everyone that while he is pretty accepting of all peoples, he did admit he had a problem with the Chinese. “Those bastards I don’t trust,” he said. “Although, I have to admit, I won’t send my laundry to anyone else. They really know how to get my whites the whitest.”

All White Basketball Teams Coming to a Southern Town Near You

Sometimes a story comes along that contains such overtly racist remarks that are so darned over the top that to try and rewrite it to fit within a satirical framework would do a great injustice to the story itself. This is such a story. Every name, every quote is real, and I repeat, this is not Satire. However, I also want to point out that as racist as this story comes across, it appears to be a sad attempt by a sad boxing promoter to grab some attention for his flagging basketball franchise business at the expense of black basketball players everywhere.

The story comes to us from Augusta, Georgia and the caption reads “Basketball league for white Americans targets Augusta.” Now in all fairness, before I go on, let me just say that Augusta Mayor, Deke Copenhaver, is not behind this idea and finds it absurd. Nevertheless, here’s what was proposed to Augusta by a group that calls itself the “All American Basketball Alliance.

I’m just going to let the quotes speak for themselves:

According to Don “Moose” Lewis, commissioner of the All American Basketball Alliance, they plan on starting their inaugural season in June and Lewis is hoping Augusta will be one of the 12 inaugural teams. Said Lewis: “Only players that are natural born United States citizens with both parents of Caucasian race are eligible to play in the league."

Claiming the move is not racist, Moose went on to state: "There's nothing hatred about what we're doing," he said. "I don't hate anyone of color. But people of white, American-born citizens are in the minority now. Here's a league for white players to play fundamental basketball, which they like." Lewis said he wants to emphasize fundamental basketball instead of "street-ball" played by "people of color."

"Would you want to go to the game and worry about a player flipping you off or attacking you in the stands or grabbing their crotch?" he (head redneck) said. "That's the culture today, and in a free country we should have the right to move ourselves in a better direction."

Although Lewis hasn’t yet found a city willing to buy one of his franchises for $10,000 (thank goodness), he is optimistic. "People will come out and support a product they can identify with. I'm the spoken minority right now, but if people will give us a chance, it'll work... The white game of basketball, which is essentially a fundamental game, works."

There’s only one way to finish up this article and that’s by stating the obvious, that Don “Moose” Lewis has more than a couple of screws loose. Oh, and for good measure, let’s throw in a complimentary redneck joke:

You know you’re a redneck if you think starting an all white, all American basketball league is an idea whose time has come no matter how many black boxers you manage.