X Removed from Alphabet in Austerity Measure

Cuts in education spending in the United States have forced educators to pare costs to a bare minimum. Class sizes have almost doubled, old, worn out textbooks are being used in place of new, and in the latest rounds of cuts, the letter X has been removed from the alphabet. Educators believe that having 25 letters in the American English alphabet instead of 26 will allow children to learn their "letters" more quickly and move them on to the next grade with less effort.

Wallace Grimley, US Superintendent of Education has addressed the issues associated with removal of the letter X in a pamphlet sent home to all parents of school-age children entitled "The X-Factor No Longer Needed in American English," which uses a popular British television show as his premise for telling the parents that the X is not really needed in our alphabet and that we can, in fact, do quite nicely without it.

In the pamphlet, Grimley explains that the letter X is phonetically sounded out as "ecks" and therefore words such as extreme and exercise will benefit the most because not only will the X be removed, but an eckstra E won't be needed in the replacement as in e"ecks"tra. That alone will reduce costs considerably he says. The only problem Grimley sees is the word xylophone. "That is a bit of a sticky wicket for us," claims Grimley. "While all other words that use the "ecks" sound, xylophone uses a "zee" sound. It is for this reason that we have decided to totally remove the word xylophone from the English language. It will be replaced by the more popular glockenspiel or timpani.

Media Hosts Fear Hyperbole Has Desensitized Viewers and Destroyed Credibility

MediaWatch has concluded a study asking cable news media hosts to rate their performance in reporting on the debt ceiling talks in Washington.

A whopping 67% of MSNBC hosts believe they have pushed the envelope too far and are fearful that once the debt ceiling crisis has passed on Tuesday without so much as a whimper, they will all be seen as Chicken Littles.

In fact, Rachel Maddow is so mad at herself, she’s not been able to step in front of the camera this week at all except to make more dam commercials for MSNBC. While some say Maddow’s absence is due to the fact that she could not find a “gay” angle to the debt ceiling talks, in reality it is because Maddow just could not continue to say the same things over and over and over again without cracking up. “I mean, how many times can you invoke the name of Ronald Reagan? Both sides are making this guy out to be some kind of super hero or something. I’m surprised there aren’t t-shirts out there asking “What Would Reagan Do?” Then, “Oh, there are? See? It’s just so out of control,” said Maddow after finishing up her questionnaire and giving herself a failing grade.

Reporters for MSNBC aren’t the only ones that are being totally hard on themselves, and with good reason. Most CNN reporters, with the exception of Piers Morgan of course, also fear that their constant harping on the debt ceiling crisis to try and make everyone believe it really is a crisis will ultimately backfire on them. “What happens when Tuesday rolls around, the debt ceiling is raised without fanfare, and we all go back to reporting mundane news stories?” asked Anderson Cooper.

“It’s just not that easy. The damage is being done now,” Said Cooper. “Imagine if you will a huge earthquake strikes Japan, and there are tsunami warnings on an almost hourly basis. Then when the tsunamis don’t really live up to the expectations we’ve set for our viewers, what is left? I mean, how many newscasters do you see today reporting on the earthquake in Japan anymore? Sure, the news is still there, the threat of complete nuclear meltdown is a reality, but we used so much hyperbole in the first few days of that story that our viewers have become desensitized. And now we’re doing the same thing with these darned budget talks,” said Cooper.

“Manufacturing a crisis is one thing,” said MSNBC’s Ed Schultz. “But where are the freakin’ jobs? It used to be that in this country, when you invoked the word manufacturing, there were jobs to back it up.”

Meanwhile, Fox News Channel refused to participate in the study as they don’t really consider themselves anything more than a news channel; it being their job to get the story out there no matter how scary it might be or what long-lasting effects it may have on their viewers. “How else are we supposed to keep our ratings up?” asked Sean Hannity.

Joe Biden Takes on Fatherly Role at Debt Ceiling Talks

Vice President Joe Biden is using a unique approach when it comes to dealing with the petulant freshman Senators who aren’t budging an inch on the debt ceiling talks. Treating them like his sons, he has taken on a fatherly role in trying to convince them to come to some sort of agreement on how to get the budget crisis under control.

There are two such Senators who are particularly frustrating his efforts though, i.e. Eric Cantor (R-Virginia) and Rand Paul (R-Kentucky).

Here are just a few of the comments attributed to Joe Biden during the debt ceiling talks:

I just cannot get through to you. It’s like talking to a brick wall.

Do you live to annoy me?

Do you think this debt ceiling is going to raise itself?

Don’t make me bang my gavel.

How do you know you don’t like any of the proposals if you’ve never read them? Try just one and if you don’t like it, you don’t have to agree to it.

Keep it up and one day your face is gonna freeze that way.

I don’t care what the other Vice Presidents are doing. I’m your Vice President and what I say goes.

If you can’t say something constructive, don’t say anything at all.

‘I don’t know’ is not an answer.

I hope someday you become a Vice President. Then we’ll see how smart you are.

Now go back out and come back in without slamming the door this time.

Leaving the talks? Is that a threat or a promise?

People in Hades want ice water. That doesn’t mean they’re gonna get it.

Why? Because I said so that’s why.

You’re not leaving this room until you’ve finished your debate.

I brought you into these talks and I can take you out.

You boys have tuckered me out. Now, run along and play so I can take my nap.