X Removed from Alphabet in Austerity Measure

Cuts in education spending in the United States have forced educators to pare costs to a bare minimum. Class sizes have almost doubled, old, worn out textbooks are being used in place of new, and in the latest rounds of cuts, the letter X has been removed from the alphabet. Educators believe that having 25 letters in the American English alphabet instead of 26 will allow children to learn their "letters" more quickly and move them on to the next grade with less effort.

Wallace Grimley, US Superintendent of Education has addressed the issues associated with removal of the letter X in a pamphlet sent home to all parents of school-age children entitled "The X-Factor No Longer Needed in American English," which uses a popular British television show as his premise for telling the parents that the X is not really needed in our alphabet and that we can, in fact, do quite nicely without it.

In the pamphlet, Grimley explains that the letter X is phonetically sounded out as "ecks" and therefore words such as extreme and exercise will benefit the most because not only will the X be removed, but an eckstra E won't be needed in the replacement as in e"ecks"tra. That alone will reduce costs considerably he says. The only problem Grimley sees is the word xylophone. "That is a bit of a sticky wicket for us," claims Grimley. "While all other words that use the "ecks" sound, xylophone uses a "zee" sound. It is for this reason that we have decided to totally remove the word xylophone from the English language. It will be replaced by the more popular glockenspiel or timpani.

Adam Lambert Spelled Backwards is Difficult to Pronounce

Most people have not taken the time to wonder what would happen if you spelled Adam Lambert’s name backwards. Mostly because it doesn’t really spell anything. Trebmal Mada may be a word in a foreign language. It could translate to ‘working giant jungle cat.’ We simply do not know.

One thing is certain, playing Adam Lambert songs backwards are also not likely to produce any particularly sage advice. Not that we’ve tried, but from past experience with Beatles’ music, it pretty much is a hodge-podge of words strung together that sound foreign to our ears and which is not helpful in the least.

What we can agree on is this. The connection of writing Adam Lambert backwards as well as doing the same to his music has a distinct correlation when it comes to trying to decipher exactly what it is the Tea Party wants out of the debt ceiling talks.

If we could find a way of winding the thoughts of some of those newly-elected Senators frontwards, we might have a clue as to just what it is they want to accomplish in Washington.

Apologies for ruining a perfectly good article about Adam Lambert with talk of the Tea Party. This may open up a whole new can of worms, but for anyone interested, if you scramble the letters contained in the words Tea Party, you come up with “Tater Pay.” Guess that’s something we can all start to look forward to, except, of course, the country’s unemployed.

Media Hosts Fear Hyperbole Has Desensitized Viewers and Destroyed Credibility

MediaWatch has concluded a study asking cable news media hosts to rate their performance in reporting on the debt ceiling talks in Washington.

A whopping 67% of MSNBC hosts believe they have pushed the envelope too far and are fearful that once the debt ceiling crisis has passed on Tuesday without so much as a whimper, they will all be seen as Chicken Littles.

In fact, Rachel Maddow is so mad at herself, she’s not been able to step in front of the camera this week at all except to make more dam commercials for MSNBC. While some say Maddow’s absence is due to the fact that she could not find a “gay” angle to the debt ceiling talks, in reality it is because Maddow just could not continue to say the same things over and over and over again without cracking up. “I mean, how many times can you invoke the name of Ronald Reagan? Both sides are making this guy out to be some kind of super hero or something. I’m surprised there aren’t t-shirts out there asking “What Would Reagan Do?” Then, “Oh, there are? See? It’s just so out of control,” said Maddow after finishing up her questionnaire and giving herself a failing grade.

Reporters for MSNBC aren’t the only ones that are being totally hard on themselves, and with good reason. Most CNN reporters, with the exception of Piers Morgan of course, also fear that their constant harping on the debt ceiling crisis to try and make everyone believe it really is a crisis will ultimately backfire on them. “What happens when Tuesday rolls around, the debt ceiling is raised without fanfare, and we all go back to reporting mundane news stories?” asked Anderson Cooper.

“It’s just not that easy. The damage is being done now,” Said Cooper. “Imagine if you will a huge earthquake strikes Japan, and there are tsunami warnings on an almost hourly basis. Then when the tsunamis don’t really live up to the expectations we’ve set for our viewers, what is left? I mean, how many newscasters do you see today reporting on the earthquake in Japan anymore? Sure, the news is still there, the threat of complete nuclear meltdown is a reality, but we used so much hyperbole in the first few days of that story that our viewers have become desensitized. And now we’re doing the same thing with these darned budget talks,” said Cooper.

“Manufacturing a crisis is one thing,” said MSNBC’s Ed Schultz. “But where are the freakin’ jobs? It used to be that in this country, when you invoked the word manufacturing, there were jobs to back it up.”

Meanwhile, Fox News Channel refused to participate in the study as they don’t really consider themselves anything more than a news channel; it being their job to get the story out there no matter how scary it might be or what long-lasting effects it may have on their viewers. “How else are we supposed to keep our ratings up?” asked Sean Hannity.

Republican Senators Order Out for Chinese as Debt Ceiling Talks Continue

A reporter covering the debacle that is the debt ceiling talks has just published a story in his local hometown paper, The Times-Picayune, which helps shed light on what he believes is the number one priority coming out of the Republican camp—the importance of a good lunch.

James Jefferson, no relation to Thomas Jefferson, has discovered that the Republicans are tired of the traditional American fare in the Senate lunchroom consisting of hamburgers and freedom fries, and have been ordering out quite a bit lately.

“Their take-out food of choice is Chinese, hands down,” writes Jefferson, “and they are running up quite a tab according to the owner of their favorite take out restaurant, Nu China Dynasty. In fact, several of the freshman Republican Senators have told him if they had their way, there would be nothing but Chinese served in the Senate lunchroom.”

“I honestly don’t think Americans know just how big a role Chinese is playing in keeping these Senators satisfied throughout the talks,” writes Jefferson. “It may be a tad on the expensive side, but the Senators are reportedly extremely satisfied with this alternative.”

The Nu China Dynasty is equally enamored with their new clients. So much so that they plan on opening franchises across America to make sure that the Senators get all the Chinese they want for as long as they want it.

Joe Biden Takes on Fatherly Role at Debt Ceiling Talks

Vice President Joe Biden is using a unique approach when it comes to dealing with the petulant freshman Senators who aren’t budging an inch on the debt ceiling talks. Treating them like his sons, he has taken on a fatherly role in trying to convince them to come to some sort of agreement on how to get the budget crisis under control.

There are two such Senators who are particularly frustrating his efforts though, i.e. Eric Cantor (R-Virginia) and Rand Paul (R-Kentucky).

Here are just a few of the comments attributed to Joe Biden during the debt ceiling talks:

I just cannot get through to you. It’s like talking to a brick wall.

Do you live to annoy me?

Do you think this debt ceiling is going to raise itself?

Don’t make me bang my gavel.

How do you know you don’t like any of the proposals if you’ve never read them? Try just one and if you don’t like it, you don’t have to agree to it.

Keep it up and one day your face is gonna freeze that way.

I don’t care what the other Vice Presidents are doing. I’m your Vice President and what I say goes.

If you can’t say something constructive, don’t say anything at all.

‘I don’t know’ is not an answer.

I hope someday you become a Vice President. Then we’ll see how smart you are.

Now go back out and come back in without slamming the door this time.

Leaving the talks? Is that a threat or a promise?

People in Hades want ice water. That doesn’t mean they’re gonna get it.

Why? Because I said so that’s why.

You’re not leaving this room until you’ve finished your debate.

I brought you into these talks and I can take you out.

You boys have tuckered me out. Now, run along and play so I can take my nap.

Senate Considers Replacing Part of Medicare Plan with Medical Marijuana Plan

~Sorry for two pot stories in a row, but even I can’t control the need to know…p. beckert

While the debate in the Senate continues over whether to raise taxes on the rich, cut spending on Social Security and Medicare, or both in order to deal with the debt ceiling crisis, there is one option on the table that is getting quite a bit of attention from both sides—incorporating a medical marijuana option into Medicare-Part D, the national prescription drug plan.

Just as Franklin D. Roosevelt saw a need and filled it with the Social Security Act of 1935, and President Lyndon B. Johnson oversaw the establishment of Medicare within the Social Security Act of 1965, a new amendment to the Social Security Act is long overdue.

Luckily, President Obama sees that need and is now poised to put his full support behind an amendment plan written by Representative Dennis Kucinich (D-Ohio). His plan is simple and effective--include a National Medical Marijuana Plan as an alternative for seniors and those with medical conditions who are finding it hard to purchase over-priced and sometimes dangerous prescription medications.

“It just makes sense,” Obama reportedly stated after one particularly grueling night trying to convince some conservatives that they all better think of ways to produce a rabbit from the proverbial hat that is the budget mess or they are all gonna get kicked out on their keisters come 2012.

Surprisingly enough, this is one idea that received much positive feedback from both sides of the aisle, save for a few diehard alcoholic senators who don’t want to step on the toes of their largest campaign contributors, i.e. booze manufacturers.

Hoping to sell the amendment, Obama told those in attendance, “The largest portion of our populace-- the baby boomers--are well on their way to retirement age. Many of them,” he joked, “already know the medical benefits of marijuana, regardless of whether or not it’s legal.”

Then, in a more sincere tone, he told them, “We need something that doesn’t cost the United States government an arm and a leg to fund. Marijuana is cheap to grow, it’s a natural substance, and with many illegal immigrants in places like California, Oregon and Colorado already growing it for us, all we need to do is grant them asylum in exchange for them turning over their marijuana plants to us to process and provide to those in need medicinally. It’s almost too simple.”

Obama held private talks with Kucinich before putting his support behind the budget plan/Social Security Act amendment. The main thing Obama wanted to know was how much of a chance he had selling the idea to the Senate.

Kucinich handed him a tray of brownies and told him, “Offer them a few treats with their afternoon coffee sir. I guarantee you’ll get the thing passed.”

Ed Note: News reports out today claiming the Federal government recently ruled that pot has no medicinal value and should be classified in the same category as heroin are patently false. It is vitally important to reiterate you can’t believe everything you read.