Wall Street Bankers Launch “Can We Still Be Friends” Ad Campaign

Ever since the Occupy Wall Street protests began over a month ago, several groups have been organizing and marching on the largest banks in the country, i.e. Chase, CitiBank, and Bank of America. The marches in every city culminate in protesters withdrawing their money from the banks and putting it either under their mattress, with online banks that do not charge fees, or into credit unions. This is leaving the major banks vulnerable, having to contend with a serious cash flow problem.

In order to entice the protesters to keep their money in their banks or at least stop the hemorrhaging resulting from these withdrawals, three major banks have come up with a marketing plan that they think may just woo those depositors back into their banks. It’s called the “Can We Still Be Friends” interest-bearing savings account with perks.

Through this program, if a protester puts their money back into the bank, they will receive ½ of ½ percent interest annually and a patriotic coin purse. In addition, the lobbies of all participating banks will have safety-stem lollipops just like in the good old days and in flavors the protestors crave, such as cherry, orange, grape and lime. Several cases of the lollipops have been anonymously donated to the Organize Wall Street protests in an attempt at a peace offering.

“We feel their pain,” said Senior Vice President of Bank Relations, Fernando Villanovo, while strains of Todd Rundgren’s Can We Still be Friends played in the background.

The banks have hired the best public relations firm in the business to, in Villanova’s words, “turn this Occupy America thing around before it just gets too out of hand.”

Asked if the offer of a couple cents a year on a savings account, a cheap vinyl coin purse and flavored lollipops don’t work, what can the bank do next to turn things around? Villanova said, he didn’t know.

“I know they want us to pay back the bailout money, but quite frankly, that is a no can do for us. We spent it on last year’s bonuses,” he said. “If you think these protesters are angry, see how angry our executives get if there are no big bonuses this year.”

Villanova says the banks are truly between a rock and a hard spot right now and are asking the protesters to please see their dilemma and cut them some slack.

No word yet if anyone is falling for the “Can We Still Be Friends” campaign, but word on the street is the lollipops are all gone.

Psychic Predicts Jesus’ Unexpected Return in Early 2012

Hollywood Psychic Miss Lucy doesn’t usually give her New Year’s predictions until the latter part of November. The same is true for this year, with one exception. She claims she had a vision so strong that she could not wait to get the prediction out to her followers so that they can prepare for what’s to come.

In her usual profane way, Miss Lucy warns us to seriously be aware that “God is highly pi$$ed off. So much so,” she says, “that he’s scheduled an early ‘second coming of Christ’ to straighten us humans out and get us re-focused on his original true message.” Miss Lucy says her predictions center mainly on Wall Street, but that America’s Christians are also in for a rough time of it if they don’t get their act together toot sweet.

“It appears that our actions have not gone without notice by the Big Guy, and He’s sending Junior back down here to turn the tables over again and remind us just how much he hates it when humans start thinking they’re more powerful than the one who put them here in the first place.” Lucy claims she was told that God doesn’t look too kindly on those who treat their fellow men poorly for the sake of a buck, and He’s about had it up to here with the rampant greed taking place all over the world. “Those rich ‘Essohbees’ are about to find out just who their CEO really is,” she said.

While Miss Lucy can’t say for certain the exact date Jesus will return, she is warning anyone who has put wealth, power and greed at the top of their “to do” lists to listen up. “He’s coming all right, and if you think a weekly visit to the Chapel of your choice is gonna save you, you better think again.”

Miss Lucy finished her prediction by saying that come early 2012, Jesus himself is gonna be ringing the opening bell on Wall Street. “You can bet your sweet a$$ on that.”

Banker Injured in Fall from Collapsing Pile of Money

Scene of Accident

David Sassetts, a wealthy Wall Street banker was rushed by ambulance to St. Anthony’s Hospital when the pile of money he was sitting upon collapsed. Doctors report that Sassetts suffered fractures in both hands as well as his coccyx and is expected to spend several days in the hospital.

Asked how the accident happened, Sassetts says he’s not quite sure. “Last thing I remember is sitting atop my pile of money, sipping cognac and reading the business section of the Wall Street Journal like I do every night after dinner. Suddenly, I felt a shift underneath me. Before I could escape, the pile of money collapsed and I went hands-first onto the basement floor.” Sassets was visibly upset saying he was uncertain whether or not his maid would ever be able to get the cognac stains out of his expensive white California shag carpet.

This is the first time the money pile has collapsed beneath him, according to Sasssets, although he had a close call in the early 90s during the dot.com bubble when the pile he built one evening began to shift sideways; however, it did not fully collapse.

While he builds his money pile every night the same way, Sassets believes the recent recession has actually caused him to have more money stacks than ever before, and he believes that the extra money in his pile caused it to become less stable this time and made it quite a bit more dangerous to climb onto.

Although the accident occurred at home and involved Sasset’s own money, he claims the accident is still work-related and anticipates filing a workmen’s compensation claim.  

“Had I not made all this money during the housing and mortgage crisis and getting all that bailout money from the government, my pile of money would have been significantly smaller and would not have posed as large a safety hazard as the one I ultimately fell from,” Sassets said from his hospital bed.