Sarah Palin Denies Having the Hots for Jesus as a Teen

John the Baptist(Poster Hanging On Sarah Palin's Wall
as a Teen)

In his newly released book Deer in the Headlights: My Life in Sarah Palin’s Crosshairs, Levi Johnston doesn’t pull any punches. Johnston paints an even uglier picture of the woman that would someday be President of the United States than writer Joe McGinnis in his book The Rogue: Searching for the Real Sarah Palin.

Palin has come out swinging on both guys as she hotly contests the contents of each book, calling both authors flat-out liars.

Zeroing in on Johnston, Palin categorically denied she had the hots for Jesus as a teen. Appearing at a recent fundraiser held by the Christian Crusaders Coalition of Cackleberry, South Carolina, Palin remarked on this particular claim.

“Sure, like all my Christian girlfriends, I thought he was pretty cute,” she said of Jesus, “and I have to say that John the Baptist was ruggedly handsome in an Alaskan wilderness sort of way. But saying I had a crush on Jesus, well, that’s just going a bit far.” Palin did admit, however, that instead of hanging the usual pop idol posters in her bedroom during her teen years, her walls were plastered with photos of Jesus and John the Baptist.

“Oh goodness no, it wasn’t because they had long hair and beards and looked like Kenny Loggins,” said Palin. “They were just good saintly men who just happened to have a heapin’ helpin’ of handsomeness.”

Palin did claim that she tried like heck to get her husband, Todd, to grow his hair long when they started dating. “It was a no go,” she said. “I had to settle for Todd looking more like Robert Goulet than Jesus.”

Psychic Predicts Jesus’ Unexpected Return in Early 2012

Hollywood Psychic Miss Lucy doesn’t usually give her New Year’s predictions until the latter part of November. The same is true for this year, with one exception. She claims she had a vision so strong that she could not wait to get the prediction out to her followers so that they can prepare for what’s to come.

In her usual profane way, Miss Lucy warns us to seriously be aware that “God is highly pi$$ed off. So much so,” she says, “that he’s scheduled an early ‘second coming of Christ’ to straighten us humans out and get us re-focused on his original true message.” Miss Lucy says her predictions center mainly on Wall Street, but that America’s Christians are also in for a rough time of it if they don’t get their act together toot sweet.

“It appears that our actions have not gone without notice by the Big Guy, and He’s sending Junior back down here to turn the tables over again and remind us just how much he hates it when humans start thinking they’re more powerful than the one who put them here in the first place.” Lucy claims she was told that God doesn’t look too kindly on those who treat their fellow men poorly for the sake of a buck, and He’s about had it up to here with the rampant greed taking place all over the world. “Those rich ‘Essohbees’ are about to find out just who their CEO really is,” she said.

While Miss Lucy can’t say for certain the exact date Jesus will return, she is warning anyone who has put wealth, power and greed at the top of their “to do” lists to listen up. “He’s coming all right, and if you think a weekly visit to the Chapel of your choice is gonna save you, you better think again.”

Miss Lucy finished her prediction by saying that come early 2012, Jesus himself is gonna be ringing the opening bell on Wall Street. “You can bet your sweet a$$ on that.”

Jesus Declines Dinner Invite from Congresswoman Michele Bachmann

“Sorry, Michele, I’m busy that night,” was the unfortunate reply to Congresswoman, Michele Bachmann’s invitation to dinner to none other than Jesus Christ, her personal Lord and Savior. The woman from Minnesota was crushed.

“Sure, I got definite yeses from Adam, the first man, and George Washington. I even got a definite maybe from Johann Bach, whose music would make a lovely background for the pheasant dinner I’ve got planned,” said Bachmann. “But not having Jesus there, well, I’ve waited all my life for this moment and I definitely feel he’s let me down.”

Bachmann was asked who she would ask to take the place of Jesus now that she definitely won’t be dining with the Son of God. “Well, I’ve got a B list. Everyone who is a good hostess has a B list you know. And I’ve got Ann Coulter advising me on this very important choice. I suppose at this late date, all we can hope for is a yes from our fellow non-feminist, Phyllis Schlafly. Really, next to Jesus, she ultimately shaped my life. Without her influence, I might be a (God-forbid) single mother or worse, a divorcee.”

Mix-up in Hell Has Satan Sending More than One Anti-Christ to Rule Earth

Satan is said to be madder than hell at his minions this week after he learned that more than one, and possibly as many as eight Anti-Christs have been unleashed upon the Earth during the past century.

Harry Scarem, a demonologist from California was able to ascertain this after a particularly grueling satanic ritual over the weekend wherein Satan personally appeared for a few moments to explain the error. Said Satan, “I would have sent one of my minions, but they are all idiots.”

When Scarem asked Satan what he was talking about, Satan explained “I just got finished going over the book of judgments and damned if someone didn’t remember to put a checkmark next to Adolph Hitler’s name after we gave him the 666 tattoo. The mistakes kept being made. A tattoo was given, the mark was set, but no checkmark was put next to the name. As best I can ascertain, we’ve given the tattoo now to about five people that we can positively identify, those being Hitler, of course, Charles Manson, Dick Cheney, Pol Pot and Pauly Shore,” he said, explaining that he wasn’t even sure why Pauly Shore was on the list but it can’t be taken back once it’s declared.

While Pol Pot and Hitler are dead, that still leaves Manson, Cheney and Shore to watch out for. But the bad news is that there may be at least three more people on the short list who were accidentally given the tattoo and sent to Earth as Anti-Christs. Satan was asked if Kim Jong Il may have been one of the other three and although he couldn’t confirm it, he certainly didn’t deny it either. “Let’s just say that Kim meets all the requirements of being an Anti-Christ, so I wouldn’t rule him out.”

“This was a big fuc*ing screw up, I know,” said Satan, “and I’m prepared to take full responsibility for it.”

Meanwhile, word has been leaked to the Christians about this and they are none too pleased about the news. “Jesus, Lord have mercy,” said Paul Thornton, Pastor over at Christ Almighty’s Sacred Splendor Worship Hall. “This just ain’t good news at this late hour. All we’ve got, as far as I know is one Savior and he isn’t even due to come to earth yet for at least another year or so. How the hell are we going to find more Saviors at this late hour to do battle with multiple Anti-Christs?” he said as he sat wringing his hands in despair.

Glenn Beck Found Naked, Confused Wandering Along Highway

New Canaan, Connecticut – Fox Television and radio personality, Glenn Beck was found wandering along Merritt Parkway close to his home in New Canaan, Connecticut early Thursday morning around 2 a.m. He was naked and confused and muttering “don’t freakin’ tread on me, don’t freakin’ tread on Glenn Beck” and was taken to the nearest hospital for observation. He was openly weeping.

No one knows for sure why Beck was on the highway. Doctors speculate that he may have been sleep walking and just decided to take a stroll along this most beautiful stretch of highway. Said Doctor Schmorgen, “it really is quite a lovely stretch of road near where Mr. Beck lives and it makes sense that he might want to get out there occasionally and experience nature, seeing as he’s cooped up inside a television and/or radio studio for so many hours in the day. The trees alone are just gorgeous this time of year. Mr. Beck is quite privileged to live in such a divine place.”

But when Beck himself was asked the reason why he was wandering along that stretch of highway at 2 a.m., he gave this account, “I was in my study, studying my script for the next show and suddenly this epiphany hit me. I realized that although I was becoming all things to all people, I just couldn’t handle the enormity of the situation. I mean, here I am, this joe schmoe from kokomo giving all kinds of advice to people, getting them riled up, trying to simmer them down, knowing that they are not only hanging on my every word but actually acting out according to what I tell them, kinda like Jesus giving his sermons and everyone doing as he said, and I just lost it.”

“I realized that I, me, Glenn Beck, the freakin’ most watched guy on television, was responsible for about 80% of what is wrong in America right now. The division, the hatred, the outward distrust of our President, are all things that I had stirred up.”

“That guy that flew that airplane into that building in Austin, he was 80% Glenn Beck in thinking. That guy who threw dollar bills at some poor schmuck on the ground with Parkinsons Disease telling him to get a job, that was 80% me throwing that money. Where were the good works of people who were listening to me? I realized there weren’t any.”

In a tortured voice, he continued, “I can’t tell you from that point on how my clothes came off, but I do remember thinking, I gotta get outta this skin, outta this lousy skin, this body that’s making me do these terrible things, and for what? The almighty dollar?

I hurried and got all my stocks and bonds, my available cash, my bank books, all our credit cards, even my gold stashes and I tried to burn every darned one of them and become like Buddha, understanding my suffering. Then I went for a walk, beating myself up and telling myself that tomorrow was going to be different and I was going to ask everyone to go back to a life of non-violence and try to get along with each other because I knew, that I, Glenn Beck, would be the only voice of reason that these people would listen to. I remember thinking, I live in New Canaan and that must be somewhere near Zion where I can give a great sermon, and that is, I guess, when I just started walking toward Mecca. Man, I musta just really cracked up, huh?”

Beck is resting comfortably with Roger Ailes by his side seeing to it that he is fully medicated so that once he regains his senses he can continue his life’s work on the Fox News network at least until his contract runs out.

His wife, meanwhile, is highly pissed that the shopping trip she had planned for this weekend in Beverly Hills will have to wait until new credit cards and checks can be issued. “Mr. Ego can just sit in that hospital and stew on this awhile,” she was reported as saying. “He wants to mess with people’s lives, let him, but he better damn well not affect my life like this again or it’s hasta I’m outta here, baby.”

Jesus Upstaged in Easter Mass by Cardinal Defending Pope

For the first time in Roman Catholic history, Easter Mass was not about Jesus’ resurrection but about the Pope being a great leader of the Catholic Church in spite of many claims of sexual abuse by priests all over the world and the Pope’s inefficient handling of the scandal.

Said one cardinal, “sometimes it’s about more than Jesus. It’s about how the Church can handle a scandal and this Pope is doing a great job of it.” People there to hear a message of how Jesus died on the cross for their sins, were first treated to cries of “Benny, Benny, he’s our man, if he can’t do it, no one can.”

Said one of the faithful in attendance, “thank goodness we have clergy who can turn the bleak into the positive and get us believing in the Church again. Finally, a day where we weren’t reminded of how awfully some of our priests have behaved towards the young, but how great our Pope is and how much we owe to his ability to keep the Church from falling into disharmony. Long live Pope Benedict!”

The cardinals in attendance were in agreement. “Easter could not have come at a better time, when people are in the mood to forgive just like Jesus died to have our sins forgiven. Absolutely perfect, perfect timing,” said one.

Sarah’s Greyhound Really a Gulfstream (jet, that is)

Let’s refocus here, people. Just because a couple of wingnuts crashed a party in Washington, and some athlete, who shall remain nameless, crashed his pretty car and admitted to a few indiscretions; or, just because our President kinda let us think he was gonna do something really brave and order the withdrawal of troops from an unwinnable war but instead decided, what the hell, let’s give it one more go on the taxpayer’s dime. Let’s not lose sight of the really important news that went from front page to page 9 a little too quickly--Sarah Palin’s bogus bus tour.

Oh yeah, there’s a bus alright and sure enough, it’s got her larger-than-life picture plastered on the sides, and it is parked outside each venue she visits to sign that humdinger of a book everyone is jonesing to have in their library. I’m sorry, did I say everyone? Maybe that was a bit of an overstatement. But there is a book tour and there is a book and there is a bus with one lonely-ass bus driver, and now, there’s a jet. No wait, there is more than one jet. There are a couple of jets that just happen to be in the towns where Palin is signing her books and from which she and her entourage disembark and are whisked back upon that fancy trailer away from home and driven the couple miles or so to the next signing.

In case you haven’t heard, one of the jets she flew into Asheville, NC for her Sunday-go-to-prayer-and-political-strategy-meetin’ with the Reverend Billy Graham and his son, Franklin Graham, is owned by none other than the organization known as Samaritan’s Purse. Who, you ask? Oh, that would be one of the charitable organizations owned by the Graham family. That organization actually owns 4 planes and one of them just happens to be a Beech 300 with the N-Number N262SP. Yep, the one that got Sarah to dinner on time in Asheville.

Now, the reason we mentioned this is, do the good folks who are giving their money to this charitable organization know that their dollars are being spent to fly the Palin party in style? Straight from the Samaritan’s Purse web page that discusses Financial Accountability, we find this:

“Because the Lord supplies us with resources for ministry through individual contributions, we recognize our accountability both to Him and to our donors. We have a responsibility to be faithful stewards and to maintain integrity and openness in our financial practices. Therefore, we are committed to fulfilling the following standards…Our fund-raising appeals clearly identify the purpose and programs to which donations will be applied, and we ensure that donations are used for the purposes for which they were raised…Occasionally, we receive more contributions for a given project than can be wisely applied to that project. When that happens, we use these funds to meet a similar pressing need. Our policy is to meet the needs God lays before us, so that Christ is lifted up and the Gospel advanced.”

Can we assume that some project received way more money than necessary and it was deemed that the funds were used on the pressing need of not only lifting Christ up, but also lifting Ms. Palin and her entourage up to and from dinner at the Graham abode, because without her presence, the Gospel could not be as advanced as they would like? But if the Graham family doesn’t have a problem with accountability, why then did Franklin Graham have the flight activity for the plane blocked in the FAA records? Hmm? I’m gonna give credit where credit is due on this one. A reader of the Celtic Diva’s Blue Oasis Blog out of Alaska found the jet information after viewing a video of Palin touching down in Asheville, NC. If you go to that website, you’ll see the video and his comments.

Oh, one other thought. If Ms. Palin thought it was too extravagant to have a private jet while Governor of Alaska (remember, she made one heck of a scene out of how she was selling that darned awful jet on E-bay so that she wouldn’t look like a spendthrift), what, pray tell, changed her mind this time around? Is all that attention and fame going to her head as it would many? Nothing to be ashamed of, but at some point in time, she’s gonna have to change her “down-to-earth, homespun” façade to catch up to the new, improved hoity-toity Sarah Palin who thinks it’s ok to leave approximately 300 book buyers, who stood out in the cold for as long as 7 hours in Noblesville, Indiana, high and dry because she just couldn’t sign any more books. It ain’t no big deal, right? To her defense, she did apologize…a day later after the damage had been done. You never disappoint, Sarah.