Labor Day Cancelled

Due to America’s unusually high rate of unemployment, this is the first year since Labor Day became a federal holiday in 1894 that no workers will be taking the holiday off regardless of whether or not their employers are telling them to do so.

The lucky stiffs who actually have jobs are reluctant to take a day off for fear their position will be snatched up by the people they’ve been told “are waiting in line to take your job if you don’t want it.”

That, coupled with the fact that labor unions are no longer a threat to companies in America as they no longer wield the power they once did over employers to demand they give their employees the day off, the Labor Day holiday has pretty much become obsolete.

As a result of the federal holiday being cancelled, Labor Day sales across America have been cancelled as well. Subsequently, most stores that traditionally put summer items on sale during this time have actually raised their prices by as much as 20%. One of the largest retailers in America, Wal-mart, claims that they’ve had to temporarily remove their company icon, the yellow smiley face, as it is no longer indicative of how their customers feel about their prices.

“All in all, Labor Day this year and on a go-forward basis has been cancelled,” said U.S. Labor Secretary Hilda Solis, “so get over it. Now, everyone back to work,” she said jokingly.

Wisconsin Masochist Coalition Overjoyed with Tuesday’s Election Results

Ed Note: For those who aren't following my train of thought on this one. Suffice it to say, this was a bit of satire on all the folks who bitch about who is in office, but don't do anything about it. Ya basically just voted to keep the a-holes in office who are hell bent on taking what little you have left and giving it to them that already has. After the earlier protests, I just didn't see those election results coming.

A close-knit group of Wisconsin voters calling themselves the Wisconsin Masochist Coalition (WMC) couldn’t be happier about the results of Tuesday’s recall election whereby the Republican Party lost only two of its six seats to the Democrats. This means Governor Scott Walker will continue to be able to heap his brand of punishment upon the people of Wisconsin without compromise, making the WMC ecstatic.

The WMC was formed after Scott Walker passed a controversial bill earlier this year, stripping the collective bargaining rights of public employees. The voting bloc claims it siezed the perfect opportunity to see to it that their pain would increase by accepting the continuous punishment meted out by Walker and the Republicans in the form of serious budget cuts for the working class people of Wisconsin.

“We are neither Republicans nor are we Democrats,” claims Brutus McNabb of Kenosha, Wisconsin. “We are merely a small group of independent voters who enjoy getting the crap kicked out of us.”

McNabb claims the tougher Walker gets, the happier his group is. “We could not ask for a more perfect leader,” said McNabb. “When he says things like ‘let’s kick some butt’ and ‘don’t mess with Scott Walker or I’ll give you a knuckle sandwich,’ well, he’s our guy, no doubt about it.” The WMC claims it will do everything humanly possible to keep, in their words, ‘the Marquis de Wisconsin’ in office.

We’ll continue to vote for Walker,” said McNabb, “because, let’s face it, he won’t be happy until everyone in this state is hurting. And when we’re hurting, we’re happy.”

Governor Scott Walker Sells State Naming Rights to Wal-Mart

Wisconsin governor, Scott Walker makes no excuses for his heavy-handed push to privatize the entire state of Wisconsin while he is head honcho. His first big move, of course, was to get rid of collective bargaining for public workers in order to set the stage for big business to come in and set up shop in the education and public works departments, making the word ‘public’ a thing of the past.

Today, Scott Walker announced that he has brokered a multi-billion dollar deal with the largest discount retailer in the United States, Wal-Mart, allowing the retail giant to re-name the State of Wisconsin ‘New Wal-Mart.’

“Lest anyone have doubts about just how serious I am about switching from a public-run state to a privatized one, the re-naming of Wisconsin today to New Wal-Mart should pretty much seal the deal,” said Walker. “Henceforth and heretofore, make no mistake about it. New Wal-Mart is just the beginning.”

Asked if the residents of Wisconsin may become confused when going out to shop in their favorite store and not knowing if they are getting beef or pork, Walker responded “no, not at all. One obviously is a dinner item and the other is a legislative process.” In fact, Walker seemed a bit irritated that he had to answer such an inane question from a reporter working at the new state-run newspaper, the ATT Times-Picayune.

Unfortunately, said one political strategist, Walker’s very move to sell the naming rights of the state to Wal-Mart will almost certainly spell the immediate doom of the newly elected governor. “What Mr. Walker failed realize is that by selling off the State of Wisconsin to private concerns, his job as a public employee is now obsolete.”

Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker Charged with Contempt of Court

Dane County Circuit Judge, Maryann Sumi has issued a warrant for the arrest of Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker. The warrant charges Walker with contempt of court for disregarding Sumi’s order to hold off on publishing Walker’s anti-union bill.

Walker and other legislative leaders tried to circumvent the Judge’s ruling by having a state agency other than the Secretary of State publish the law. Once done, they ordered the law take place immediately and began to change the deductions taken from state workers’ paychecks.

Once Judge Sumi heard about their actions, she had the Wisconsin Attorney General issue a warrant for Walker’s arrest. “I don’t care if he is the [bleeping] governor of this state, he’s going down,” said a visibly angry Sumi.

Upon arrival in Dane County Jail, Walker was fingerprinted and booked under suspicion of directly ignoring a Judge’s order and handed a cold cheese sandwich and a 7-Up. “It’s the least we could do,” claims jailer Jack Nabem. “The poor guy looked so darned hungry.”

Scott Walker Spends Taxpayer Dollars to Defend Lawsuit

Non-Union Lawyers

In the beginning, the Governor of Wisconsin, Scott Walker, said that in order to balance the budget, the State was going to have to do away with collective bargaining rights for some of its public workers, most notably, teachers. Thus began a battle that included an exodus of Democratic senators from the state in an effort to keep the bill from becoming law and daily protests by tens of thousands of citizens against Walker’s proposals.

When the Republican senate majority passed a bill last week that was hastily thrown together to separate the collective bargaining part of the budget bill, most thought that was the end of the fight.

But, late last week, a Wisconsin Circuit Court Judge issued a temporary restraining order effectively stopping the bill…for now.

Ironically, Walker now plans on spending taxpayer dollars from coffers he says are drying up because of the demands of the public workers for decent wages and benefits, to fight the ensuing lawsuit.

The only people who stand to profit from this fiscal fiasco in the long run will be the attorneys who are now firmly entrenched in litigation on both sides. In the end, it really isn’t just about money, in light of the fact that had attorneys not been brought into the fray, there very well would have been enough to fund teachers’ salaries and give a few tax breaks to the rich and probably enough left over to buy every citizen of Wisconsin a pound of its best cheddar.

Scott Walker Declares Himself a Wisconsin Hero

Scott Walker defines a hero as “someone who, against all odds, does what is necessary to fight evil in the world.” And so it is that Walker believes that he is doing the right thing by making sure teachers don’t bankrupt the state.

“If we were to pay teachers what they would like to be paid, and give them the benefits they believe they should get, there would be nothing left to give to the private sector folks whom I pledged my allegiance to in order to get elected,” said Walker. “I have a duty to those folks and I am a man of my word.”

While teachers have a thing or two to say about the matter, Scott Walker has said time and time again that if any of those teachers wanted to make laws, “they should have become politicians, not teachers.”

In a related story, Walker denies that his apparent grudge against teachers is fueled by a childhood experience where, in 7^th grade, his science teacher made fun of his baking soda volcano science project, calling it “so 5^th Grade.” 

Wisconsin Governor Threatens to Replace 14 Missing Democrats with Blow Up Dolls

Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker is running out of patience with the 14 Democratic senators who are hiding out in Illinois to forestall a vote on a budget-repair bill. Under Wisconsin law, any bill that deals with spending state money must have a full vote to consider. However, passing emergency legislation that doesn’t involve spending state assets can be passed without the Democrats’ votes.

The governor is considering putting up for vote legislation that would allow him to privately purchase 14 blow up dolls from an adult novelty store in Madison and swear them in as replacement senators. In doing so, Walker believes he would have the problem licked and could go ahead with his budget bill unfettered by a few hold out senators.

Asked if mannequins would be better substitutes than blow up dolls, Walker said they might be, but he wants to send a clear message to the runaway Democrat lawmakers that they can’t just blow off government. There are consequences.

Besides, he claims that the dolls can be later used at various fund-raising functions leading up to the 2012 elections. “If I’m going to be forced to spend my hard-earned money on replacements for these hold outs,” said Walker “I want to use something that is easily carted in and out of Senate chambers without losing an arm or a leg in the process.”

Gays Not Allowed to Pray in Wisconsin

Milwaukee, WI – A Wisconsin District Court Judge appropriately named Crabb has ruled that there will be no praying on National Prayer Day unless it is done in private. “Whether you are an atheist or a true believer, a heterosexual or a homosexual, a Republican or a Democrat, a man or a woman, you cannot pray in Wisconsin on this day,” said the ruling handed down by Crabb.

“Oh right,” said Herbert Whilmly of the local Gay and Lesbian Rights Foundation of Milwaukee, “just because we are homosexual, the Judge has to single us out. This is just so typical. We are still fighting for our rights, even when the President hands them to us on a silver platter, like he did the other day by allowing us to finally be bedside with the one we love at the hospital of our choosing. It is just so typical.”

Rights in America these days it seems are something Americans want and when they are handed them, seem to be lacking just the specificity expected by the groups wanting them. It’s kinda like the lovely carnelian red couch you’ve been jonesing for for months finally arrives and it turns out to be burgundy. There is just something missing.

“We were planning on praying on National Prayer Day,” said Stacey Williams of neighboring Minnesota, “but now with Wisconsin’s ruling, we aren’t sure if we can get together or not. The government seems to have their hand in everything these days. I just hope we’re still allowed to pray on Sunday, cause I really like praying, you know?”