Almost 20 Tons of Unwanted Drugs Turned in to DEA

For a second year, the DEA has organized a drug take-back initiative event at 6 sites throughout New England to collect unused prescription medications from those residents who no longer want or need them.

Unfortunately, just like last year, the prescription medications showing up at the collection sites are just harmless, out-of-date, non-narcotic formulas, dropped off by concerned senior citizens happy to help their government out.

Myrtle Jenkins, 86, of Providence, Rhode Island showed up to one site with a whole bag of prescription-strength anti-diarrheal, eye wash, and skin rash products, some dating all the way back to 1997. “Now that I have Medicare,” she said, “I can afford the good stuff. You know, the stuff that makes you feel a little funny. This crap doesn’t do a thing for me.”

Several others who showed up had the same comments. Seniors from all over were giving up their crap and bragging that the good stuff is still locked up in their medicine cabinets.

One DEA agent confirmed that indeed, all the surrendered drugs weren’t worth a dime and he wasn’t really sure who came up with the whole drug take-back initiative. “Guns, yeah, I can see. They’re dangerous and we need to get them off the streets. But prescription-strength, 10-year old calamine lotion with a mild analgesic? Christ, I could be back home watching the Red Sox right now getting hammered and have more fun than this.”

Officer Stan “Woody” Perkins agreed. “We got all excited when a little guy came up to us with a bag full of what looked to be little blue pills. We thought we’d hit the mother lode,” said Perkins. When we inspected further, however, it just turned out to be a bagful of out-dated, generic beta blockers.” Perkins says that’s when they decided to pack it in and call it a day. “Who needs this crap?” he said.

When reminded that the whole idea behind drug take-back initiatives was the safe disposal of unwanted drugs, Perkins said he understood, but at the same time said the whole program, in his mind, was a waste of taxpayers’ money.

Asked what the law enforcement officers did with all the pills they collected in this last round up, Perkins said that he and another officer drew the short straws and they got “dumping duty,” meaning they had to collect all the bags and make a run to the local landfill. “So much for helping out Ma Nature,” he said, “unless she’s got a bad case of the runs.”

Perkins says the worst part of all of this is that he volunteered for the job. “You better believe I’m gonna ask for my old job back after this. When asked what that was, Perkins answered “I went on search and destroy missions to various large pot farms. The worst part about that job was not having enough doughnuts and coffee for everyone once we lit that bonfire.”