Donald Trump announced today that he won’t be seeking the GOP nomination for President in 2012. While many speculated it was because he realized that he would have a hard time securing that nomination, even if he bought it, the truth is, he’s quitting on doctor’s orders.
Dr. Harvey Finkelstein, one of Trump’s many personal physicians, stated that his patient suffers from a severe case of thin skin. “We [Trump’s medical advisers] had initially given Donald the okay to run for President, believing he had a tough hide and could take the onslaught of slings and arrows he’d be subjected to. We were as surprised as anyone to discover just how thin Mr. Trump’s skin really is.”
Dr. Finkelstein claims that the Donald contacted him immediately following the severe roasting he received from Seth Meyers at the White House Correspondents' Dinner saying that he wasn’t sure he could take that kind of disrespect. “At the time, I advised Mr. Trump to just hang on and let things settle down, thinking that once they did, he (Donald) could go back on the offensive. Unfortunately, he never fully recovered from that vicious attack,” said the good doctor.
Those close to Trump say although he was gaining steam slowly and decided to stay in the race, the final blow came when news of Osama bin Laden’s death started hitting the airwaves. “He became so enraged, his veins started popping up and you could see them right through his skin,” said Finkelstein. “That’s when we knew that he would never be able to withstand another year and a half of the constant needling he’d be getting from not only the media, but from his own party, and we had to advise Mr. Trump to withdraw from the race for medical reasons.”
Trump’s medical staff has prescribed some physical therapy to get Trump back to the man he was before his short-lived run for public office. He has been ordered to attend live comedy shows at least once a week and sit front and center as he is assaulted with personal jokes about everything from his comb-over hairstyle to his failure as a politician.
“We were also going to insist that he appear on the Jon Stewart Show to build up his resistance,” said Dr. Finkelstein, “but, it is just too soon, and we don’t want to take any unnecessary chances with our patient’s health.”