White House Hires Dr. Phil to Mediate Debt Ceiling Negotiations

I don't know what the heck he's saying,
 but I'll agree to anything to get him to shut up

What started as a debate between the White House and Republicans on whether or not to raise the nation’s debt ceiling has become one of the largest political standoffs in America’s history.

The whole thing has devolved into a brouhaha, and as a result, the President has finally asked for help from one of the greatest “fix it” guys in the business, Dr. Phil McGraw.

Asked to mediate a settlement in the debt ceiling negotiations, Dr. Phil has been placed in a room with both sides present and strict orders issued that no one leaves the room until a settlement has been reached.

Sources say the President believes that just having to listen to Dr. Phil is enough to push a quick settlement, and although the Republicans have promised to ‘dig their heels in’ and not let anything deter them from their commitment to seeing that President Obama fails at these meetings, it appears this latest move by the President may just be the game changer.

Dr. Phil’s opening statement has been released and gives a good indication of exactly what the both sides are up against in trying to maintain their position:

“First off, let me tell you guys and gals, this ain’t my first debt rodeo, so don’ try and pull the pig outta the slop on my watch.

Ok, let’s get this rig a rollin’. I understand y’all got some scores to settle, and I’m there with ya. But understand that if you can’t settle those scores with your belts set on the same notch as me, then we ain’t gonna get no place no how.

I’ve been a clinical psychologist for more years than you all have been in diapers and let me just say that this type of behavior just ain’t gonna fly that bi-plane alone, you got that?

My lovely wife, who is sitting right over there (points), is one helluva woman, and I can tell you she ain’t gonna let you walk out of this room without a wink and a howdedoo, if you catch my drift.

Now, let’s see what y’all’s bellyaching is about and how deep in the doodoo we gotta go to make the positive side of the battery spark.

To Boehner, “Ok John, Let’s get those apple seeds a planted. What are your thoughts on getting this here ceiling painted a neutral color?”

By all indications, there should be a settlement reached any minute now.

Dr. Phil Offers Free Psychological Counseling to Tiger Woods

Dr. Phil McGraw, America’s favorite unlicensed psychologist and self-proclaimed therapist to the stars, has offered to provide Tiger Woods with free psychological counseling if it will help him “get real” again.

In an interview between Dr. Phil and Tiger last week on the set of The View, Tiger agreed to be asked certain questions by Dr. Phil in public so that America could get a first-hand look at what was really happening in Tiger’s life and understand the long recovery road he has in front of him. Here are the highlights of that interview:

Dr. Phil: Hi Tiger, I understand you’re in a bit of a mess right now, is that right?

Tiger: Yes, I am.

Dr. Phil: So tell us, what made you decide to lose all that weight in the first place?

Tiger: What weight?

Dr. Phil: Right. So how are you coping with the reports that your wife may be a shopaholic?

Tiger: My wife doesn’t have a shopping problem.

Dr. Phil: Well, I think we should get to the bottom of your fear of heights. You know, it’s nothing to be ashamed of son.

Tiger: I don’t know what you are talking about. I’m not afraid of anything except maybe you.

Dr. Phil: Interesting. What we’d like to do is have you medically examined to rule out tinnitus before we say the voices in your head are all in your head.

Tiger (turning to Barbara Walters): What the hell is he talking about?

Barbara Walters: Listen to him Tiger. He is the best on television, you know. Look what he did for Britney.

Dr. Phil: When you say you think your mother is smoking pot, do you mean metaphorically speaking?

Tiger: Smoking pot? My mother smoking pot? Are you deranged?

Dr. Phil: Ok, then, it appears to me that we need to get your wife here on stage and discuss the problem you all are having this holiday season as to where you two are going to spend Christmas day. Can’t you just split your time between your parents’ home and hers?

Tiger: Ok, I think I see what you are trying to do Dr. Phil. Look, it’s working. I’m a sex addict, ok? You figured it out. Now what can you do for me?

Dr. Phil: Tiger, hiding behind that wall you’ve built around yourself and not talking about your problems is self-defeating. What can we do to get you to open up to us?

Tiger(in tears) (to Barbara): Make him stop, please Barbara, make him stop.

Barbara Walters: Dr. Phil, another amazing breakthrough. How do you do it?

Dr. Phil: Right. Let’s ask the audience. “How many here believe that latent homosexuality exists in women just as much as it does in men?”

Thursdays Under the Magnolia Tree

Washington, DC – President Obama announced today that the small meeting held Thursday between himself, Joe Biden, Professor Gates and Officer Crowley to share a beer and lay to rest any misunderstandings that may have arose due to Obama’s poor choice of words about the incident involving Gates’ arrest by Crowley was highly successful.

Riding on the crest of that success, Obama has decided to designate a portion of his late Thursday afternoon time schedule to hosting like summits in an effort to solve disputes in a more informal, civilized way. Next Thursday he has had his staff “pencil in” Benjamin Netanyahu and Mahmoud Abbas to join him under the magnolia tree for another round of peace talks over a cold one. Said Obama, “No one enjoys beer as much as I do and hey, if we can get a peace deal out of it as well, then it’s icing on the cake.”

It is rumored that before the summer is out, he intends to have Bill O’Reilly and Keith Olbermann over to try and help them bury the proverbial media hatchet. Folks close to Obama say he fancies himself a political Dr. Phil, whose main goal is for everyone to just get along.