No longer do rich businessmen have to hire expensive accountants and CFOs to hide their wealth from the greedy tax man in his or her country. Now they can personally drop in at any one of a dozen money laundering facilities conveniently located around the world and within minutes change their dirty money into fresh new assets with just a quick transaction.
Clive DeOro, owner of “The First National Bank of Assets,” one of the fastest growing money laundering businesses in the world, says he owes his success to the invention of the PETS machine (Presto Exchango Transformation Station), which works much like an ATM. DeOro says his invention will revolutionize the way assets are managed in some of the top businesses in the world.
“No more late-night meetings, covert phone calls or questionable donations to politicians. No dead accountants found just steps away from your front door,” which DeOro admits doesn’t happen all that often, but once is enough. “And, last but not least, no more dealing with the Somalians who trick you into believing they are legitimate banking concerns who have your best interests in mind when offering some of the best offshore banking services in the world.”
Unlike regular laundromats, the facilities offer up soundproof rooms equipped with a computer and a security code. A businessman merely brings his second set of books to the laundromat and within less than an hour comes out squeaky clean and ready to go out there and roll in some more dirt, or hit the slopes, whichever he prefers.
Got some of those pesky sub-prime loans still mucking up your bottom line? There is a special spot remover to get rid of even the dirtiest marks on your business dealings. Attorneys, are you wondering how you’re going to hide the fact that you’ve been using your clients’ trust funds to fund that expensive lifestyle you’ve grown so accustomed to? Quit letting a little thing like possible disbarment keep you from owning that 42-ft yacht you’ve had your eye on.
There has never been a better time to be a sleazy businessman. The government is in turmoil, the middle class is running scared, and regular money sources are drying up. Everyone is so busy trying to save their own asse[t]s, they won’t notice all the griminess being washed from the funds you gained on selling those sub-prime mortgages. With most of the controversy being shifted toward the piddly paperwork screw-ups on all those mortgages, they sure as hell won’t notice you’ve slipped out of the country for a day or two to whiten those whites and brighten those brights.
Full-service stations have already been set up and are ready for business in Zurich, Bern and on the Island of Martinique. Drive-thru offices are expected to pop up once the security bugs have been worked out. Now vacant drive-thru film processing kiosks are being retrofitted with the PETS machines and being relocated to several business districts in America and other prime locations throughout the world.
DeOro says the only drawback he anticipates is underestimating the truly large amount of greed that permeates the business world these days. My machines are built to handle large sums, but he worries about the super loads that are sure to be coming through now on a regular basis.
At any rate, now is the best time to amass as much money as you can, through as many deceptive practices as you deem necessary, because quite frankly, if you aren’t smart enough to take what’s out there while you can, you aren’t FNBA material.