How Grover Norquist Stole Christmas

Now the middle of classes were middler than most

They had oodles of things on which they could boast.

They had cars, and houses, and TVs and more

They were boasting and boasting of goodies galore.

Til one day the bottom all dropped out from under

The middle of classes was torn quite asunder.

The greed of the 1% people with money

Decided to steal all the milk and the honey.

There’d be no Christmas at least for the middle

Their savings had dried up to less than a piddle.

No tea set for Susie, no train set for Bill,

No help for their parents from Capitol Hill.

A man with a tax plan who called himself Grover

Determined the American Dream was now over.

From now on he’d fight for only the wealthy

The richest of rich and the healthiest of healthy.

No tax for the millionaires claimed Grover’s pledge

We’ll push all the Middlers straight up to the edge.

I promise you, promise you, promise you all

If you sign on the line, working people will fall.

They’ll all lose their jobs, they’ll go hungry and then

If they dare try to make it, we’ll push them again.

Their paydays will dwindle, they’ll beg for our mercy

Especially the ones who were born in New Jersey.

Wisconsans, Ohioans all wanting to bargain

We’ll teach them new words in our greediness jargon.

Down with new taxes and up with bank fees

We’ll squeeze and we’ll squeeze and we’ll squeeze till they wheeze.

And then Grover laughed, yes he laughed till he cried

He looked in the camera with a face full of snide.

I told you I’d do it, I told you I could

Put all of those lawmakers up to no good.

This Christmas will only be happy for some

The very tip tippy top tippy top ones.

He finished his tirade with one last remark

Get rid of those hippies in Zucotti Park.

Koch Brothers Trying to Infiltrate Occupy America Movement

Some members of Occupy Wall Street, the precursor for the Occupy America Movement have reported being approached by employees of the Koch Brothers and offered everything from vegan muffins to cold hard cash if they would turn the peaceful protests into shouting matches.

Sunshine Delaney, a 23-year old protester from Long Island claims that she was approached by a young, long-haired guy while she was taking a break from marching along Wall Street with her friend, Bobby McGee.

“Yeah, so this guy comes up to me, and he’s like, ‘want a vegan muffin?’ and I was like, ‘are you sure they’re vegan? And he’s like ‘yeah, I’m pretty sure they are, at least that’s what the guy at Whole Foods told me,’ and I was like ‘well, sure, I guess, thanks, man.’”

Delaney says the man then started asking her rhetorical questions like “wouldn’t it be weird if you found out that this whole movement was being fronted by George Soros?” and “do you really know who is organizing these events?” She claims she started to get really paranoid and asked several of her fellow occupiers these same questions.

Fortunately, one of the organizers of the event, Dave Barry, was able to put Delaney’s mind at ease when he talked her down from the bad vibes the guy was spreading.

“Look, Sunshine,” said Dave, “there’s been some bad shit going around this protest. Some guys are passing out fake vegan muffins, free tents and sleeping bags, even ten dollar bills in exchange for a little dissident talk. We’re pretty sure the Koch Brothers are behind it.”

Barry says he can’t prove it, of course, but he says all you have to do is look at how easily the Tea Party was bought and how quickly that movement turned totally establishment.

“We’re printing up warning pamphlets as we speak,” said Barry. “Anyone who offers you a wad of cash to change your views, well, no matter how much you need the bread man, tell ‘em to take a hike. This movement can’t be bought.”

Money Laundromats Becoming Commonplace as the Rich Get Richer

No longer do rich businessmen have to hire expensive accountants and CFOs to hide their wealth from the greedy tax man in his or her country. Now they can personally drop in at any one of a dozen money laundering facilities conveniently located around the world and within minutes change their dirty money into fresh new assets with just a quick transaction.

Clive DeOro, owner of “The First National Bank of Assets,” one of the fastest growing money laundering businesses in the world, says he owes his success to the invention of the PETS machine (Presto Exchango Transformation Station), which works much like an ATM. DeOro says his invention will revolutionize the way assets are managed in some of the top businesses in the world.

“No more late-night meetings, covert phone calls or questionable donations to politicians. No dead accountants found just steps away from your front door,” which DeOro admits doesn’t happen all that often, but once is enough. “And, last but not least, no more dealing with the Somalians who trick you into believing they are legitimate banking concerns who have your best interests in mind when offering some of the best offshore banking services in the world.”

Unlike regular laundromats, the facilities offer up soundproof rooms equipped with a computer and a security code. A businessman merely brings his second set of books to the laundromat and within less than an hour comes out squeaky clean and ready to go out there and roll in some more dirt, or hit the slopes, whichever he prefers.

Got some of those pesky sub-prime loans still mucking up your bottom line? There is a special spot remover to get rid of even the dirtiest marks on your business dealings. Attorneys, are you wondering how you’re going to hide the fact that you’ve been using your clients’ trust funds to fund that expensive lifestyle you’ve grown so accustomed to? Quit letting a little thing like possible disbarment keep you from owning that 42-ft yacht you’ve had your eye on.

There has never been a better time to be a sleazy businessman. The government is in turmoil, the middle class is running scared, and regular money sources are drying up. Everyone is so busy trying to save their own asse[t]s, they won’t notice all the griminess being washed from the funds you gained on selling those sub-prime mortgages. With most of the controversy being shifted toward the piddly paperwork screw-ups on all those mortgages, they sure as hell won’t notice you’ve slipped out of the country for a day or two to whiten those whites and brighten those brights.

Full-service stations have already been set up and are ready for business in Zurich, Bern and on the Island of Martinique. Drive-thru offices are expected to pop up once the security bugs have been worked out. Now vacant drive-thru film processing kiosks are being retrofitted with the PETS machines and being relocated to several business districts in America and other prime locations throughout the world.

DeOro says the only drawback he anticipates is underestimating the truly large amount of greed that permeates the business world these days. My machines are built to handle large sums, but he worries about the super loads that are sure to be coming through now on a regular basis.

At any rate, now is the best time to amass as much money as you can, through as many deceptive practices as you deem necessary, because quite frankly, if you aren’t smart enough to take what’s out there while you can, you aren’t FNBA material.

Realtor Can’t Suppress Laughter while Showing Rush Limbaugh Manhattan Condo

New York, NY – By now, most people have seen the news that Rush Limbaugh is selling his New York Penthouse condo and moving out of New York due to the high rise in taxes. He said he would move and he's keeping his promise so far. Many wish he would have kept his promise to move to Costa Rica if Obama's Health Care Reform Bill passed as well, but I digress.

The "double-wide" condo as it is affectionately called by the upper crust in Manhattan boasts more than its share of gaudy accoutrements, and as such, has garnered a reputation as being one of the ugliest pieces of Manhattan real estate in the history of, well, real estate. Even Donald Trump has been quoted as saying, "if we could, a bunch of us would get together and have the place bulldozed. The only thing holding us back is that it's on the top floor of the freakin' building!" The realtor showing the condo agrees and admits that she is having a hard time containing her laughter while showing certain portions of the condo.

"Ok, let's see if I can get through this interview without totally losing it," says Mary Showbottom, as she walks us around the condo and gives us a peek at what it is that sets her off every time. Mimicking the way she would take a bona fide buyer through, she begins as we step off the elevator. "First, let me take you into the foyer," she says, stifling a giggle as we step directly into the penthouse. "This pre-war condo is a decoration masterpiece," she almost chokes on another giggle as she walks us toward the public areas.

"And this," she says with a sweep of her hand, "is the double-wide living room (snortle) complete with two wood-burning fireplaces," she manages to get out without completely losing her composure. "It is part of the right wing (snortle-gmph), which includes all common areas (ahem-garumph), including the kitchen and breakfast area, where it is a known fact that Rush likes to spend Sunday morning out on the terrace overlooking the reservoir reading the Sunday paper and enjoying a large stack of Aunt Jemima pancakes (oh good Lord, harrumph, sorry.)"

Along the way, we are treated to sights of indulgence that go way beyond even that found in a Fundamentalist Christian Worship Hall. "The Grandeur," as it is called was one of the most ornate bedrooms we have ever laid eyes on. Hand-painted murals of the second coming not only graced the walls, but the ceiling as well.

We look up and ask Ms. Showbottom about the ornate molding. "Whoo boy, you just don't give a girl a break do you? (hmph, crimple, gasp, snortle) That is hand-painted gold leaf," she replied, "as are the reins on the horses and the rays coming out of heaven in the overhead mural. Let's all take a moment to bow our heads in prayer," she wisecracks under her breath as she leads us toward the en-suite bathroom to witness the piece de resistance, a gold chandelier above the ornate, double-wide 16-jet jacuzzi bathtub complete with pure gold fixtures. Unable to hold her sarcasm any longer, Ms. Showbottom announces, "apparently, Jacuzzi bathtubs were all the rage in pre-war New York (hmphrump, snizzle, wheeze)."

By now, we are all feeling a little light-headed from trying to control our own laughter, but we continue on. We can't help but notice some of the walls are padded and upholstered in silk damask and ask why that is. Ms. Showbottom opines that perhaps it cuts down on injuries, and leaves it at that.

We aren't sure what is up ahead, but we can imagine it is quite interesting judging from the way Ms. Showbottom is covering her mouth with one hand and hunched over holding her ribs in apparent pain caused by trying once more to stifle a bout of laughter. "And now, ladies and gentlemen, we are entering the 'other' right wing," she says as strange noises emanate from her nostrils. (Steady, steady, calm, she tells herself) "Mr. Limbaugh refuses to believe that a left wing even exists (gurgle, snort, whistle, phew, my God, I'm sorry, but I can't do this any longer, help me Jeezusss)."

And with that, the tour ended abruptly when Ms. Showbottom collapsed in a heap laughing uncontrollably beside the 17th Century Queen Anne bed replete with a Civil War-era duvet.

THIS JUST IN--President Obama Brings Tyra Banks to Tears

Tyra Banks demanded an apology from President Obama today for the hurt and shame he caused her when he declared publicly “Listen up Banks, the American people want their money back.” Banks was watching Fox News when she heard the President say, “My commitment is to recover every single dime the American people are owed by Banks.”

“What money?” cried a tearful Banks. “I don’t owe any money to the American people. Why would the President say such a thing and why is he going to tax me for money I don’t owe?” It was later cleared up when Obama personally called Tyra Banks and explained that it was the big banks that received a taxpayer handout last year, and not her, personally, he was chastising.