Charlie Sheen Backing Rick Perry for President Because “He’s Smokin’ Hot”

It used to be that a person would back a Presidential candidate based on his voting record and his willingness to serve the American people. Honorable men and women would ask for your vote and in exchange, they would let you know exactly how they stand on the issues. No changing their minds. If they were for public health care or against it, you knew and that’s why you put your vote behind that person.

But today, it takes little more than a pretty face and some charming wiles to get a person’s vote—case in point, Sarah Palin. And, that same pretty-face reason is why Charlie Sheen announced last week that if Rick Perry does announce his run for the Presidency, he’s backing him all the way, vote-wise and maybe even financially, if, indeed he [Sheen] has any post-cocaine money left.

Sheen’s announcement came with little fanfare. It was broadcast on LA Access television, and for those who weren’t able to catch it, here’s what Sheen said about Perry:

“Hell yeah, I’ll vote for Rich Perry, or Rick or whatever the hell his name is. I mean, what’s in a name anyway? It’s how he looks that grabs ya, man. I mean, look at those coal black beady eyes set back in that forehead, and that sun-damaged face, ya gotta go for the man, cause even after all that sun damage, he still looks faboo. I hear it is really hot in Texas right now. Is it? The point is that no matter whether bear season is upon us or that green polka-dots definitely don’t do pink any justice, speaking of justice, which there definitely isn’t any when it comes to Wahini bikinis, Rich Perry is smokin’ hot and I’m voting for him.”

Charlie’s handlers were extremely proud of him after the announcement. Said Drew Pugmore, his personal assistant, “Hell, we could care less he’s found a person to vote for or even who that person is. What is important is that for the first time in I can’t tell you how long, Charlie started a thought and instead of rambling on aimlessly until we had to wipe drool from his chin, he came back to that original thought. That’s progress, man, real progress. Way to go, Charlie.”

Trump Ends Presidential Bid Due to Medical Condition

Donald Trump announced today that he won’t be seeking the GOP nomination for President in 2012. While many speculated it was because he realized that he would have a hard time securing that nomination, even if he bought it, the truth is, he’s quitting on doctor’s orders.

Dr. Harvey Finkelstein, one of Trump’s many personal physicians, stated that his patient suffers from a severe case of thin skin. “We [Trump’s medical advisers] had initially given Donald the okay to run for President, believing he had a tough hide and could take the onslaught of slings and arrows he’d be subjected to. We were as surprised as anyone to discover just how thin Mr. Trump’s skin really is.”

Dr. Finkelstein claims that the Donald contacted him immediately following the severe roasting he received from Seth Meyers at the White House Correspondents' Dinner saying that he wasn’t sure he could take that kind of disrespect. “At the time, I advised Mr. Trump to just hang on and let things settle down, thinking that once they did, he (Donald) could go back on the offensive. Unfortunately, he never fully recovered from that vicious attack,” said the good doctor.

Those close to Trump say although he was gaining steam slowly and decided to stay in the race, the final blow came when news of Osama bin Laden’s death started hitting the airwaves. “He became so enraged, his veins started popping up and you could see them right through his skin,” said Finkelstein. “That’s when we knew that he would never be able to withstand another year and a half of the constant needling he’d be getting from not only the media, but from his own party, and we had to advise Mr. Trump to withdraw from the race for medical reasons.”

Trump’s medical staff has prescribed some physical therapy to get Trump back to the man he was before his short-lived run for public office. He has been ordered to attend live comedy shows at least once a week and sit front and center as he is assaulted with personal jokes about everything from his comb-over hairstyle to his failure as a politician.

“We were also going to insist that he appear on the Jon Stewart Show to build up his resistance,” said Dr. Finkelstein, “but, it is just too soon, and we don’t want to take any unnecessary chances with our patient’s health.”

Palin Has No Intention of Running for President in 2012

A disgruntled former aid to Sarah Palin claims that he has first-hand knowledge that Palin has absolutely no intention of actually running for President in 2012. He claims that she’s playing the Tea Partiers like a fine-tuned fiddle.

“The truth is,” says Ben Thair, “if the GOP made an announcement today they were going to forego the formalities and just hand the nomination to Sarah, she’d run so fast she’d leave track marks.”

Thair worked under Sarah Palin in the days when she governed the State of Alaska and continued as the assistant to her chief assistant well into the days when she was chosen to be John McCain’s running mate. “I can tell you the precise moment I knew that Sarah Palin wasn’t going to seriously run for any government office,” Thair said.

“It’s when they took her shopping for the first time and she and her kids had the run of the store. All that money flowing through her hands made her realize that just the mention of running for office can get you more money than actually holding that office, depending, of course, on who you are.”

Thair was asked, then, why he thinks Palin is being so cagey about whether or not she will be seeking the nomination in 2012. He answered with a question of his own. “How much money do you think all those Tea Party followers would throw at Sarah whether it’s a contribution to her PAC fund or buying one of her books if they thought she was just in it for the money and had absolutely no intention of running for President?”

“Personally,” Thair concluded, “I’d love to see the GOP give Sarah the presidential nod as their number one candidate. We’d see whether she was willing to give up her millions in endorsements for a paltry $400,000 annual government salary. I’d lay odds she’d run alright, run like hell.”

Bush/Cheney 2012 – The Next Generation

Dick Cheney is said to be planning a not-so-surprise comeback for the 2012 presidential election and he’s doing it this time vicariously through his daughter, Liz Cheney. Due to his dissatisfaction with the way the conservative party has so far been running (or not running) things, Cheney has again decided that the only way to get things back on track is to re-infuse some pure Cheney/Bush blood into the race.

Although Dick feels that he and George W. Bush were perhaps the most ideally paired Presidential team since, well, ever, and there will never be another like them, which we certainly can’t argue with; and, as much as he would like to take the reins himself, he’s just not that sure about his health and that is ultimately what is keeping him from running.

Yes, the die-hard, irrepressible Mr. Cheney has a new plan of action that he’s working on worming into the Republican psyche little by little. We’re talking about the plan to offer up his daughter, Liz Cheney, to run as Vice President to Jeb Bush’s run for President. Can’t you just feel that Dick genius starting to move the masses again?

While Dick is trotting Liz Cheney out to every conservative gathering hosted by everyone from the NRA to the Republican Party itself, Daddy George H.W. Bush, at Dick’s command, is pushing Jeb onto the cable news shows with a full schedule of the old fake-out “no, nope, I’m not running,” so that when the time comes, conservatives everywhere will be begging him to run.

There may be a couple of things that could nip this pairing in the bud before it even happens, though. Word has it that Jeb and Liz aren’t that fond of one other ever since they got in each other’s face way back when at a Kennebunkport gathering, when Jeb, quite a bit older than Liz, told her to “quit following me around like a puppy dog.” “Since then, they find it difficult to be in the same room together, let alone even consider a presidential pairing,” claims an unidentified source.

So how, then, do Dick and H.W. plan on pulling off this shotgun presidential campaign? Some say Dick has his ways. “He’s not above torture, if that’s what it takes to make those kids see how important this is for the country,” said the same source, wishing with all his heart not to be identified.

While he may not sink so low as to waterboard his own daughter, which she would totally approve of, by the way, he could threaten her and Jeb by other means. Suffice it to say, he has the mindset and the wherewithal to get the job done.