Jumat, 30 September 2011

Local Woman Saves Planet by Allowing Satan to Dwell in Her Abscessed Tooth


“The pain, thweet Jethuth the pain,” yelled Cloris Zucker as the dentist poked around in her mouth trying to find the source of her discomfort. He started out innocently enough, beginning on the left side and working his way over to the right.

“This one?” asked the dentist

“Noph,” replied Cloris.

“This’n?” He asked as he hit the next tooth with his little silver hammer.

“Noph,” she said. “Nob fat one.”

Before he could even ask, Cloris leapt about a foot into the air and yelled “Yesh, oh yesh, yesh, yesh,” with tears rolling down the side of her face. “Thash the one.”

Meanwhile, halfway around the world, people in Greece had stopped complaining to their government about cuts in their retirement salaries. Most were willing to go back to work until they were nearer to retirement age like most other countries.

Children in Somalia were waking up to full breakfasts and the Red Cross had enough money to feed and clothe even the poorest of nations on earth.

The Republicans were apologizing to the Democrats for the way they’d been acting. The world, as a whole was at peace and the only thing that seemed to be causing any pain at all was Cloris’ tooth.

There was a miracle taking place around the world and the only reasonable explanation was the fact that Satan had totally immersed himself into inflicting pain on one poor creature by the name of Cloris Zucker.

Back in Sweetwater, Texas, the dental assistant was readying a cart with all the necessary tools to extract the offending tooth so that Cloris could have her life back. As the dentist asked Cloris to lean her head back and allow him to check one last time, he heard a small but mighty guttural voice “The tooth is mine, do you hear me? The tooth is mine.”

The dentist pulled back, trembling in fear. Was this really happening? Was that tooth speaking to him? He bent down again to get a closer look, and felt a small but powerful hand grab his index finger. The demon within the tooth bit the dentist and drew blood. The dentist reared back in pain a strange foreboding crossed his brow.

“I’m sorry Ms. Zucker, but I’m afraid I have some very bad news for you. The devil is residing in your tooth and that is what is causing all the pain. He refuses to let me extract him.”

At that moment, it all began to make sense to Cloris. The peace on earth, the balancing of the federal budget and new found love for President Obama, the end of the drought in Texas, it all came down to one thing. Satan was so busy causing Cloris pain in the form of an abscessed tooth that he had given up on making the rest of the world suffer. She was a heroine. If she had the tooth pulled, who knew what devastation the earth would endure.

Cloris unselfishly told the dentist to put the instruments down and get out his prescription pad.

“Write me a prescription for some more pain pills doc,” she said as she took off the dribble bib, got out of the dentist chair, and proudly walked out into a glorious Texas rainstorm.

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