Seniors Have Themselves to Blame for Fight over Nation’s Budget Crisis

Middle America may not like it, but they are getting what they deserve, i.e. a generation of “me first” politicians who could care less whether or not grandma makes it on less than a thousand dollars a month.  

Those “What were you thinking” ads aimed at the politicians who want to take away Medicare and Social Security benefits are laughable to the youngsters who are now in charge.

Talk about entitlements. The Tea Party rug rats who have made their way into Congress as elected officials know all about entitlements. They were raised on them. The “don’t tell me what to do” crowd is now in charge and this is their take on the “What were you thinking” ads:

Hey grandpa, what were you thinking when you were chowing down on a breakfast that consisted of eggs and bacon every single morning?

And grandma, what were you thinking making pot roast, fried chicken, mashed potatoes, gravy and a nice big slice of apple pie for dessert every Sunday after church?

Hey dad, your liver ain’t so happy now after those 3 martini lunches, eh?

Oh, and mom, is it my fault you gave in to my every whim? You are the one who taught me that if I bug you enough, you’ll eventually give in because, after all, I was driving you up a frikkin’ wall.

We raised a generation who doesn’t want to pay for grandpa’s gout, grandma’s heart surgery, or mom’s anxiety medicine because, let’s face it, they brought it on themselves, didn’t they?

Our only salvation in all this mess is the fact that China and Japan are the major holders of our debt and it just so happens that they don’t think like the Westerners. They actually revere the elderly. So go ahead, kids, default on that international debt.  It might not be such a bad deal for the nation’s elderly in the long run. 

Candle Shortage Next Big Crisis on Horizon

People all over the world are becoming increasingly worried about an imminent energy crisis. As a result, they are buying candles by the billions. Candle stores from Albuquerque to Zurich are selling out faster than they can make them. Wholesale distributors are complaining about having backlogs of several months or more on shipments. Even ornamental and decorative candles are being snapped off the shelves in a buyers’ frenzy as the threat of worldwide power outages becomes more of a reality.

While the crisis in Japan is taking precedence over anything we’ve seen before, the candle shortage is a very real spin-off crisis and not expected to get any better in the months to come.

Jasmine Hollowax has been making sand candles since the early ‘60’s in the Haight-Ashbury District of San Francisco and she claims that not only is she finding it hard to find wax but her supplies of sand are also in decline. “The sand candle is about the easiest candle to make,” said Jasmine, “but without wax and sand, it becomes a candle maker’s nightmare.”

The inexplicable decimation of bees in the United States has also contributed to the decline in beeswax, a preferred wax for many candle makers. Dumont Hiasakite, a candle maker who refuses to use inferior materials for his candles, says that if the situation doesn’t get better by June, he is going to have to close the Candle Emporium shop he’s owned in Boston for four decades.

“It’s ironic,” says Hiasakite. “Most businesses fold because they become obsolete and there just isn’t a demand for the product anymore. In our case, it is the opposite. With the energy crisis worldwide, it is just a matter of time before candles will be the only source of immediate power people will be able to find to provide light and help keep their food warm.

“Hoarders know this and are buying candles faster than gold. Especially the big, giant candles you thought you’d never have a reason to own before,” he said.

In a related story, Glenn Beck has replaced the advertising on his Fox News show to accommodate the increased demand for candles. He is no longer touting gold as the most lucrative investment these days but instead is telling his viewers to buy candles, with this message. “Gold is pretty and it used to be a solid investment, but folks, gold won’t light your way in the darkness or heat a can of chili on the coldest of nights. Buy candles now before they’re all gone.”

As a result, wax commodity prices have skyrocketed with an ounce of wax going for more than $1,000.

Rush Limbaugh Dropped on His Head at Birth According to Unauthorized Biography

A writer working on the unauthorized biography of conservative radio talk show host Rush Limbaugh has released a very important piece of information that may explain the idiotic statements that Limbaugh often makes on his daily radio show. Recent comments Limbaugh made about Japanese refugees are coming under fire, which led the author to leak the information in the biography prematurely.

“He’s a numbskull, literally,” claims Clark Parsons, a writer known for his work on several unauthorized biographies of various controversial personalities. According to early medical records Parsons has uncovered on Limbaugh’s birth in Cape Girardeau, Missouri, Parsons says that Limbaugh was dropped on his head as the doctor was slapping him on his backside.

The medical record on the incident states that there were no outward signs of trauma. This led Parsons to dig further into exactly why Limbaugh is the way he is today. According to a medical doctor that Parsons regularly consults with on these type matters, Limbaugh’s early injury mixed with heavy drug use as an adult has altered Limbaugh’s perception of right and wrong. “It was a combination one-two punch and as a result, Limbaugh’s reasoning is undeniably damaged,” said Parsons.

Upon reading Parson’s explanation for [Limbaugh’s] imbecilic rants, Limbaugh made the following statement on his radio show: “See folks? I have a valid reason for being a big jerk. Hate the condition. Don’t hate me.”

While the book won’t be released until sometime in April, early indications are that once everything is revealed about Limbaugh, even his most ardent fans may have a hard time defending him. If so, many are predicting that this may finally be the end of Limbaugh’s career.