Rush Limbaugh Dropped on His Head at Birth According to Unauthorized Biography

A writer working on the unauthorized biography of conservative radio talk show host Rush Limbaugh has released a very important piece of information that may explain the idiotic statements that Limbaugh often makes on his daily radio show. Recent comments Limbaugh made about Japanese refugees are coming under fire, which led the author to leak the information in the biography prematurely.

“He’s a numbskull, literally,” claims Clark Parsons, a writer known for his work on several unauthorized biographies of various controversial personalities. According to early medical records Parsons has uncovered on Limbaugh’s birth in Cape Girardeau, Missouri, Parsons says that Limbaugh was dropped on his head as the doctor was slapping him on his backside.

The medical record on the incident states that there were no outward signs of trauma. This led Parsons to dig further into exactly why Limbaugh is the way he is today. According to a medical doctor that Parsons regularly consults with on these type matters, Limbaugh’s early injury mixed with heavy drug use as an adult has altered Limbaugh’s perception of right and wrong. “It was a combination one-two punch and as a result, Limbaugh’s reasoning is undeniably damaged,” said Parsons.

Upon reading Parson’s explanation for [Limbaugh’s] imbecilic rants, Limbaugh made the following statement on his radio show: “See folks? I have a valid reason for being a big jerk. Hate the condition. Don’t hate me.”

While the book won’t be released until sometime in April, early indications are that once everything is revealed about Limbaugh, even his most ardent fans may have a hard time defending him. If so, many are predicting that this may finally be the end of Limbaugh’s career.

Three Stooges Make Rare Appearance after Tucson Shooting

The definition of a stooge, according to Merriam-Webster is: (1) one who plays a subordinate or compliant role to a principal; (2) puppet.

They may not be the original Larry, Moe and Curly, or even Shemp in this sense, but they are Stooges all the same. Sarah Palin, Rush Limbaugh, and Glenn Beck continue to be manipulated by the big money that pays their salaries, and because of that, they have proven once again that even when they are caught with their hands in the cookie jar, they still won’t admit their hate rhetoric may have played a small but important part in shaping a young man’s political views.

The shooting of several people this past weekend by someone who is slowly emerging as a very troubled individual has many wondering how this could happen, as is always the case when tragedy strikes and answers don’t come quickly enough.

Blame slowly begins to be laid at the feet of anyone who may have remotely contributed to shaping the shooter’s mindset. For Sarah, Rush, and Glenn to deny any culpability and to even go so far as to try and place the blame on their political enemies goes beyond the realm of realistic. Yet that is what is expected of them if they are to continue receiving the big bucks from the guys who really call the shots.

The statements and actions by each of the Stooges during the past few years should directly implicate them whether they like it or not in this horrible shooting event, as they had no compunction whatsoever in giving their asinine views nonchalantly about guns, gun rights, political opponents and how to deal with political opponents prior to it. They may want to argue the point, but it is apparent that the Stooges gave their views with little regard as to whether or not a few crazies may actually act on the inciteful messages they were receiving via television or radio broadcasts.

Sure, a number of politicians and pundits from every political persuasion are guilty of using guns to get across their political points. After all, the subject of guns and the right to possess them is one of the most heated debates of our time. However, the rhetoric spouted by the Three Stooges is particularly incendiary due to their wild popularity with the right wing revolutionary populace in this country. Some of the words spoken by Sarah, Rush and Glenn were not only irresponsible, but they were obviously said with the purpose of riling up their base or the base of their puppet masters.

Let it not go unnoticed that since the tragedy, there has been a bit of back peddling being done by the Stooge Sarah as she tries frantically to distance herself from her SarahPAC map and what it really did depict, while Stooges Rush and Glenn seem to actually become even more defiant in their right to say anything they want regardless of whom it spurs to violence. After all, they aren’t the ones who are actually holding the weapons are they?

Chief Standing Wolf Takes on Rush Limbaugh After 'Injuns' Comment

FORT APACHE, Arizona - Watch out Rush Limbaugh. Chief Standing Wolf, who earlier this year made certain promises to rid Arizona of non-Native Americans if they didn’t repeal their white man laws allowing only English-speaking people in their state, is on the war path again. This time, it’s Rush Limbaugh that has the Apache leader seeing red.

Standing Wolf spoke on Fort Apache radio station WIND (INDigenous Radio): “A man named Rush is worthy of his name. He rushes to judgment of a people who are proud. We do not care for his words. We will stand against his words. One day, Rush, you will understand the true way, and when you do, it will be too late.”

Upon hearing  Standing Wolf’s words, Rush Limbaugh said “what?” due to the fact that he doesn’t speak Apache. However, he then just laughed it off, lit another cigar and went onto his next topic, those worthless Meshicanos. Said Rush “why do I waste my time on the Injuns when there are just so many others to attack. I say to Standing Wolf, ‘sir, until you become a pale face and embrace the white man’s way, you won’t have two buffalo nickels to rub together,” to which he added “that ought to make that Injun think twice about taking on ole Chief Rush Limbaugh.”

Realtor Can’t Suppress Laughter while Showing Rush Limbaugh Manhattan Condo

New York, NY – By now, most people have seen the news that Rush Limbaugh is selling his New York Penthouse condo and moving out of New York due to the high rise in taxes. He said he would move and he's keeping his promise so far. Many wish he would have kept his promise to move to Costa Rica if Obama's Health Care Reform Bill passed as well, but I digress.

The "double-wide" condo as it is affectionately called by the upper crust in Manhattan boasts more than its share of gaudy accoutrements, and as such, has garnered a reputation as being one of the ugliest pieces of Manhattan real estate in the history of, well, real estate. Even Donald Trump has been quoted as saying, "if we could, a bunch of us would get together and have the place bulldozed. The only thing holding us back is that it's on the top floor of the freakin' building!" The realtor showing the condo agrees and admits that she is having a hard time containing her laughter while showing certain portions of the condo.

"Ok, let's see if I can get through this interview without totally losing it," says Mary Showbottom, as she walks us around the condo and gives us a peek at what it is that sets her off every time. Mimicking the way she would take a bona fide buyer through, she begins as we step off the elevator. "First, let me take you into the foyer," she says, stifling a giggle as we step directly into the penthouse. "This pre-war condo is a decoration masterpiece," she almost chokes on another giggle as she walks us toward the public areas.

"And this," she says with a sweep of her hand, "is the double-wide living room (snortle) complete with two wood-burning fireplaces," she manages to get out without completely losing her composure. "It is part of the right wing (snortle-gmph), which includes all common areas (ahem-garumph), including the kitchen and breakfast area, where it is a known fact that Rush likes to spend Sunday morning out on the terrace overlooking the reservoir reading the Sunday paper and enjoying a large stack of Aunt Jemima pancakes (oh good Lord, harrumph, sorry.)"

Along the way, we are treated to sights of indulgence that go way beyond even that found in a Fundamentalist Christian Worship Hall. "The Grandeur," as it is called was one of the most ornate bedrooms we have ever laid eyes on. Hand-painted murals of the second coming not only graced the walls, but the ceiling as well.

We look up and ask Ms. Showbottom about the ornate molding. "Whoo boy, you just don't give a girl a break do you? (hmph, crimple, gasp, snortle) That is hand-painted gold leaf," she replied, "as are the reins on the horses and the rays coming out of heaven in the overhead mural. Let's all take a moment to bow our heads in prayer," she wisecracks under her breath as she leads us toward the en-suite bathroom to witness the piece de resistance, a gold chandelier above the ornate, double-wide 16-jet jacuzzi bathtub complete with pure gold fixtures. Unable to hold her sarcasm any longer, Ms. Showbottom announces, "apparently, Jacuzzi bathtubs were all the rage in pre-war New York (hmphrump, snizzle, wheeze)."

By now, we are all feeling a little light-headed from trying to control our own laughter, but we continue on. We can't help but notice some of the walls are padded and upholstered in silk damask and ask why that is. Ms. Showbottom opines that perhaps it cuts down on injuries, and leaves it at that.

We aren't sure what is up ahead, but we can imagine it is quite interesting judging from the way Ms. Showbottom is covering her mouth with one hand and hunched over holding her ribs in apparent pain caused by trying once more to stifle a bout of laughter. "And now, ladies and gentlemen, we are entering the 'other' right wing," she says as strange noises emanate from her nostrils. (Steady, steady, calm, she tells herself) "Mr. Limbaugh refuses to believe that a left wing even exists (gurgle, snort, whistle, phew, my God, I'm sorry, but I can't do this any longer, help me Jeezusss)."

And with that, the tour ended abruptly when Ms. Showbottom collapsed in a heap laughing uncontrollably beside the 17th Century Queen Anne bed replete with a Civil War-era duvet.

Texas Consults with Rush Limbaugh on Textbook Changes

The Texas Board of Education, whose majority members are of the more conservative Republican persuasion, has voted to make substantial changes to the Social Studies curriculum in their schools and to re-write the textbooks that accompany that curriculum. In a vote of 10 to 5, the board also voted to approve having radio host and political pundit Rush Limbaugh serve as chief consultant on the project mainly because they believe that “Limbaugh’s Institute for Advanced Conservative Studies” is the ultimate source for much of what they wish to teach young minds in Texas and ultimately the entire United States.

“Said Esther Sessions, board spokeswoman, “first of all, the most radical change in textbook content will be to infuse Christian values back into the ‘leaning’ of history. We refer to this as ‘Christian leaning,’ not learning, as it leans back into the type of studies God originally intended. Rush Limbaugh’s knowledge will significantly enhance the leaning taught through our new curriculum.”

Following these guidelines, the textbooks will look radically different. For instance, every chapter will begin with a Bible verse such as you might see on the handouts you receive in church. “Lord knows there is a verse to suit every lesson, and if we can’t find a verse to fit the lesson, we’ll re-write the lesson to fit the verse,” said Sessions.

The first chapter of the book, in fact, is based on the book of Genesis and teaches creationism over evolution. “Man did not evolve but was created by God, and every person is a direct descendant of Adam and Eve, or Cain and Eve or Abel and Eve,” reads the first paragraph.

Rush Limbaugh’s influence permeates every part of the book, from a discussion on who the real founding fathers were, i.e. Thomas Jefferson, because of his views on separation of church and state has been replaced with confederate heroes such as Stonewall Jackson and Robert E. Lee, to modern-day issues such as American exceptionalism, illegal immigration, deregulation of corporations and financial institutions, and the loosening of gun control laws.

Said Limbaugh of the project “I’ve never been prouder to work on anything in my life as I am this textbook. I am working with some of the greatest conservative authors in Texas who have the uncanny ability to take any historical fact in American history and mold it into a conservative lesson in order to bring our youth to a better understanding of what this country was truly based on. It is a sight to behold.”

Craigslist Ad Looking for Master Catapult Builder

As recently seen on Austin Craigslist:

EXPERIENCED CATAPULT BUILDER (N. AUSTIN)

Date: 2010-03-22, 9:33PM CDT
Reply to: job-phthuttt-1639419@craigslist.org [Errors when replying to ads?]

Group of Investors looking for experienced carpenter to build over-sized catapult sturdy enough to fling Rush Limbaugh all the way to Costa Rica and help him make good on the promise he made to leave the country if the health care reform bill became law.

Top dollar will be paid for the best design submitted.

You build the catapult. We’ll take care of the logistics of getting Rush into the damn thing.

Job Posting: 1639419

Location: N Austin

Principals only. Recruiters, please don't contact this job poster.

Please, no phone calls about this job! Show up in person with tools and plans ready to start building immediately.

Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests. This is a very specific job that may or may not require some degree of knowledge about rocket science.

Las Vegas Odds Makers Taking Bets on the “N” Word

Las Vegas, NV – Taking a sharp turn away from sports betting, Las Vegas odds makers are said to be taking silent bets from some of the top businessmen and politicians in the country on who will be the first high-profile personality to come right out and call the President the “N” word publicly.

Al Betz, the first bookmaker to come up with the plan, said that bookies early on thought it would be over before it started while watching the debates on health care reform Sunday. Said Betz, “There were reports of some protesters outside Congress throwing out the “N” word at black Democrats, but none of them were really newsworthy people and none of them were specifically calling the President a Ni**er, so we disqualified them.

The bets are focused on really well-known personalities. Betz continued, “We honestly thought we had a winner about an hour after the health care reform bill was passed when Rush Limbaugh vowed to take the President and his people down. He came ‘this’ close,” motioned Betz with his index and thumb just barely touching, “but he moved away from it. We could almost see the “N” word form on his lips, but he pulled back just in time and all that came out of it was a gnarly snarl that erupted into the word Nazi and then more spewing of venom.”

Other frontrunners getting lots of action include hot-headed Sen. John Boehner (R-Ohio) and openly angry Rep. Randy Neugebauer (R-Texas) who couldn’t contain himself from shouting “baby killer” when Rep. Bart Stupak (D-Michigan) announced he was switching his health care reform vote to yes. These are the folks with deep-seated hatred who have let the heated rhetoric cause them to say audacious things without first engaging the brain. One bookmaker said he was just sorry that Jesse Helms was not in the running. “Hell, I think Helms would have shouted the “N” word first just to skew the odds,” he said with a chuckle.

An unusual politician getting a good portion of the action is none other than Harry Reid, who, earlier this year had Republicans up in arms when he referred to Obama as an articulate, light-skinned Negro. Although he apologized and said he meant his comments in the kindest way toward the President, the generational bias was palpable and some odds makers say that Reid may still let the “N” word slip, albeit not in a hateful way.

One other unusual contender getting quite a few votes is none other than Michael Steele, Republican National Committee Chairman, who is, himself, of African-American decent. In the case of Steele, a caveat has been added on any bets placed that say that he cannot win the bet if, when referring to Obama with the “N” word, he does it in a “brotherly” way such as referring to Obama’s ability to get the health care bill passed as something to the effect of “that is one bad-assed Ni**er what just got that bitch bill passed.”

Some other rules are that the “N” word can be uttered to a private group as long as there are enough witnesses to verify it being said, such as at a Town Hall Meeting, an RNC fundraiser, even a state or national championship BBQ contest as long as it is uttered by someone with clout.

However, the big money is focusing on a national television or radio broadcaster who uses the “N” word in context and vehemently live on the air. “That’s where the big bucks are gonna pay off,” said Hal Litzer, part-time bookie and president of the local NRA chapter.

As word of the bet becomes more widespread, there is the possibility that gamblers who have big money riding on it will call into shows such as that aired by Rush Limbaugh and Glenn Beck to try and elicit angry responses that will ultimately lead to a tirade where the “N” word is not only spoken, but spewed over and over and over again with no apologies whatsoever.

Glenn Beck’s Daughter Sells Daddy’s Drool on E-Bay
Learning that his middle daughter was jonesing to go to Columbia University, Glenn Beck refused to pay for her tuition, stating “if you want to attend some hippie, liberal, communist center of lower learning in the middle of freaking Harlem, you won’t be doing it on my dime, sweetheart.”

So, what does any rich, spoiled dysfunctional daughter of one of the largest whackjobs on T.V. today do? You guessed it, she waited until daddy was passed out on the living room couch--after swigging his nightly cocktail of Nyquil Nighttime Cold and Flu So He Can Sleep Better After Peddling His Personal Brand of Hate on National T.V. Remedy on the rocks—grabbed some sterile gauze, and collected as much of his drool as she could to sell on E-bay, figuring it would at least garner a down payment on her first year’s tuition.

What happened next was a total shock. “Not only did I make enough off Daddy’s drool to pay for my first and second year of tuition at Columbia, but I also had a little left over to buy a cool tie-dyed t-shirt with Che Guevara’s face on it. Daddy is gonna have a freakin’ cow!” she said with a smirk.

Just what kind of person would have that kind of money to spend on something as gross, not to mention potentially dangerous, as Glenn Beck’s drool? Evidently, it was scooped up by a little-known group calling themselves the “Take Back America’s Genes Society” or TBAGS, who have been secretly paying for samples of bodily fluids and other potential sources of DNA from some of the most prominent conservatives in the country.

One spokeswoman, who did not want to be identified, was absolutely glowing over their newest addition to the TBAGS DNA bank. “Glenn Beck, this is incredible. We’ve been trying for years to get a DNA sample on this guy. You’d think with his long list of brushes with the law back in the days of his drinking and drug use, that someone would have kept a sample of his urine or hair. Even with his most recent hospitalization, we weren’t able to convince one hospital employee to hand over a hair or fingernail sample.” Then his daughter just offers it up on E-Bay. What a coup!”

In addition to Beck’s drool, TBAGS records indicate that their other samples include a toenail from Karl Rove, tissue samples from Dick Cheney after undergoing removal of flags under both arms, and nose hair from Rush Limbaugh. When asked if they plan on trying to obtain any DNA samples from Sarah Palin, the answer was a resounding “No!” Said Igor Kransky, head of the sample procurement department, “we here at TBAGS believe that Sarah Palin’s DNA is inherently lacking in the proper elements to make a true conservative clone and therefore we cannot run the risk of contaminating other truer samples.” He continued, “now bring me some leg shavings from Michele Bachmann, and we’ll definitely deal!”

As for Beck’s daughter, when asked if she had plans on selling anything else from her famous father, she jokingly said, “well, there is that white robe and hood tucked away in a corner in his closet that might fetch a pretty penny. Let’s see how my first year of college goes, and if need be, I’ll let you know.