Huffington Post Offers Rupert Murdoch Job as Contributing Blogger

Not one to kick a competitor when he’s down, Ariana Huffington has gone public today with an offer to Rupert Murdoch to write a blog for the Huffington Post.

“I can’t imagine what he’s going through right now knowing that his empire is crumbling by the second,” Huffington reportedly told a colleague over dinner. “I think my viewers would be fascinated to hear it straight from the horse’s mouth since I’m assuming he has no writers left to tell the story for him,” Huffington was overheard saying.

Not surprisingly, Huffington says there is no money in the budget to pay Murdoch for his blog posts, but assumes that the fact that she is giving the former media mogul an opportunity to explain to the world in his own words exactly how his empire came crashing down would be payment enough.

Rupert Murdoch Hands Out Free Puppies as Apology to Brits

The scandal involving Rupert Murdoch’s News of the World is spreading to Murdoch’s other holdings and some say it could spell the doom of his News Corporation empire.

Realizing immediately that his newspaper apology was doing nothing to quell the anger rising exponentially across the globe against himself and his clan, the media mogul decided it was time to bring out the big guns to fight the onslaught of criticism.

Murdoch has reportedly bought 1,000 adorable puppies of some of the cutest breeds around, including English Bulldogs, Yorkshire Terriers, and Shih Tzus, and he has personally taken it upon himself to pass the puppies out at news conferences to his accusers.

“I know a public apology can only go so far,” said Murdoch, as he handed an English Bulldog to British Prime Minister David Cameron. Earlier, Murdoch presented Britain’s Deputy Prime Minister, Nick Clegg, with a Shih Tzu.

While there is no word yet on what type of puppy Murdoch plans on giving to the family of slain teen, Milly Dowler, indications are that Murdoch may decide to let them personally choose the pick of the litter and, in fact, may even offer two puppies to the family.

Some say it is merely a desperate ploy to shift the focus off his unscrupulous business dealings by offering up some adorable puppies. However, it seems to be working already as Queen Elizabeth II, recipient of three Jack Russell Terrier puppies, issued a statement of her own commenting on Murdoch’s apparent “changed man” status. The statement read, in part:

“Oh no, he’s not a bad boy, is he now? He’s a good boy, yes, yes he is. He’s a wittle furry wittle good boy now isn’t he? Oh yes he is.”

Rupert Murdoch Warns Sarah Palin and Roger Ailes to Play Nice

Rupert Murdoch is the first to admit that he hires strong personalities, and it is sometimes hard to reel them in. When they are good, they are very, very good, but when they are bad they are horrid. That is exactly what is happening in the case of Roger Ailes and Sarah Palin.

Lately, Murdoch has spent more time writing e-mails to the two telling them to play nice than he’d like to. In fact, he’s said more than once that if he could get away with it, he’d treat both of them just like his own kids. “Ailes would get a size 10 up his arse and I’d put Sarah across my knee.”

The latest row just doesn’t seem to want to go away. Sarah Palin was told by Ailes to lay low after the Tuscon shootings, but Palin didn’t heed his warning. Instead, some say she was testing Ailes when she went ahead with her “blood libel” video, which, by the way, no one really got anyway, including Palin.

“Oh, I could have stayed in Alaska for a week or two until the darned Tuscon thingie blew over,” said Palin, “but I just love getting under Roger’s skin. He’s just so easy to tease. Heck, they explained blood libel to me a couple times and I still didn’t get it, but it sure sounded like something that would rile a few folks up and keep me in the spotlight, so I said, ‘what the heck? Let’s do it!’”

Meanwhile, Roger Ailes is said to have come very close to firing Palin after that video. “We’ve put up with her inability to comprehend basic geography, but now she’s showing just how uneducated she is in all subjects, including history and, what should be her best subject, politics,” says Ailes.

“Every time I tell Rupert that she’s just doing these things to make me look stupid, he tells me to shut up and pay her. If I didn’t make so much money now, I’d blow this popsicle stand and go to work for NPR.” Then he added, “Nah, never in a million years. I hear they have to beg for their checks every week. That would suck.”

Meanwhile, rumors have it that Palin is working on her next video to get Ailes riled up. Something about how monkeys could run Fox News. Can’t wait to see that video.

Secret Murdoch Tapes Threaten to Expose Palin and Beck as Puppets

Rumors are swirling in back alleys and executive washrooms about the handful of tapes that, if made public, could blow the lid off Rupert Murdoch’s hold on American politics, bringing Sarah Palin, Glenn Beck, and others down with him in the fallout.

The story about town is sometime late last year, a mysterious Chinese man concocted a scheme to seemingly save Murdoch’s life and in doing so, was given free access to Murdoch 24/7. The details are extremely sketchy, but the gist of the rumors is that this man was able to slip a mickey into Murdoch’s brandy after everyone had retired to their staterooms on Murdoch’s 184 ft. yacht, Rosehearty.

The supposedly close friend and confidant of Mr. Murdoch then began to secretly tape the conversation he was having with Rupert, the end result being that Murdoch quite easily spilled the beans on a number of topics he was lead to believe were private confidances. What was this man’s motive? Simply to keep Murdoch from furthering his reach into Chinese politics as he had done with American politics.

A scant few have seen the tapes, let alone listened to them, but a few stories have emerged as follows:

“Yes, yes, Paul, I was delighted to be able to get Sarah (Palin) to agree to head up the tea party rallies, but I have to tell you, she doesn’t come cheap,” he said. “She is one savvy business woman. I am spending millions on her and her entourage to travel all over the country giving her speeches. And I’ll let you in on a little secret…the ‘Going Rogue’ book? That was my idea. Pretty clever huh? I had a couple of my best writers in New York pen that puppy, and then I created all that hub-bub to make it look like she was a first class novelist. But she sure did get me fired up when she began to ask for more, more, more, using me as her private banker. ‘I want a jet, not a lousy bus. I need a new wardrobe. I want diet Dr. Pepper stocked in the limo.’ Yes sir, she’s expensive but she is effective.”

In another part of the tapes, Murdoch is supposedly led into a conversation about Glenn Beck. “That dildo,” says Murdoch, “I had to clean him up, get him sober and get him off the damn juice, but he ended up on my side of the court and now he knows he can’t even take a crap unless I say he can take a crap. I’ll let you in on a little secret. That rodeo clown thing? He hates it but I make him call himself that to keep him in line. I love watching him grovel as he goes on tape telling everyone he’s a rodeo clown. Serves him right. He was on the wrong side of the Lord for way too long and this is his penance. All I have to do is flash a few mil in his face and he’ll say and do just about anything I want for the almighty dollar. Yeah, in Beck’s case, money does the talking. He’s just the mouthpiece. If things start to calm down in this country and Obamer’s numbers start to rise again, I just get Beck to go on a tirade and its instant revolt. God I love this country.”

One wonders why Murdoch is so hell bent on tearing America apart with his partisan political clout. The answer may lie in his childhood. As a child in Church, he was told that America was the great whore of Babylon, and as his religious fervor grew, so did his desire to bring America to its knees if he was ever given the chance in order to one day build it back up into the Temple of the Lord.

But this is all just hearsay. Things coming out of smoke-filled back rooms where men whose lives are inexplicably intertwined in one way or the other with this media mogul and no one dares come forward, save for this possibly brave Chinese man who stands to make millions in his own right if he has bigger balls than the man he's trying to take down by bringing these tapes out into the open and finally exposing Rupert Murdoch as the power-hungry, political tyrant everyone supposes him to be.

Fox Employee Threatens Suit over Boss’ Excessive Flatulence

A former Fox News employee is threatening to file a lawsuit in New York District Court against News Corp, the parent company of Fox News Channel, and Fox News President, Roger Ailes, claiming that she was wrongfully terminated when she told the HR manager that she could no longer work closely with Mr. Ailes due to his “inability to control his intestinal disruptions regularly throughout the day.” In other words, his farts stank to high heavens. Additional claims of unsafe working conditions and exposure to an environmental hazard in the workplace are also being leveled against the company.

Ling Chang Phu, personal assistant to Aisle’s executive assistant, stated that she was regularly asked to bring various items into Mr. Ailes’ office throughout the day. “First thing in the morning, it was more like just a rancid coffee smell, but as the day wore on and Mr. Ailes consumed more and more carbs, he began to smell worse and worse so that by the end of the day, I flat out refused to take anything into his office without some type of protective covering over my nose and mouth.”

Said Ailes’ executive assistant, “obviously, we hired Ms. Phu to do the tasks that I either was too busy to handle or that I felt I should not be subjected to, which may or may not have included walking into what we jokingly refer to around here as the “sewer.”

In defending against Ms. Phu’s claims of unsafe working conditions and wrongful termination, News Corp attorneys stated that Ms. Phu knew or should have known about Mr. Aisles’ flatulence problem due to the fact that before her promotion to assistant to the assistant to Ailes, she worked just one floor below his office and complained of a smell not unlike backed-up toilets permeating her airspace and regularly asked maintenance to take a look. “It is our belief that Ms. Phu was well aware of the working conditions she would be exposed to before taking the promotion, and took the promotion thinking that she would be able to withstand the smell for the substantial raise she negotiated.”

It is anticipated that News Corp will attempt to settle this claim without the necessity of Ms. Phu going through with filing a lawsuit because they feel it could open the door to a class-action suit against Fox and Ailes by the entire Fox News Channel staff. Already, there have been rumors of mailroom attendants and other support staff threatening to quit if something isn’t done about retrofitting the office with industrial-strength odor eaters throughout the Fox News offices.

An attempt last year to remedy the situation by ordering fresh flowers be placed strategically throughout the office met with failure when the flowers wouldn’t last a day in the toxic environment. One employee, who asked to remain anonymous, joked “yeah, it’s gotten to the point that someone suggested we bring a canary to work and if it dies, we’ll know to get out of here fast.”

We have attempted several times to reach Mr. Ailes for a comment but all times have found him either out to breakfast, lunch, dinner or “in a meeting with Mr. John,” which we’ve since been told is code for bathroom break.

Sarah Palin Becomes Climate Change Expert at Fox News

News has broken that Fox News has taken the plunge(errr) and has hired Sarah Palin as a contributor to take on some of the most controversial issues of our time, including climate change. Satirists and comedians were said to be partying into the wee hours of the night in anticipation of “the perfect storm,” i.e. Palin, Fox News and climate change coming together all in one place, and can’t wait for Sarah’s opening performance.

So what makes Sarah such an expert on say, climate change, you ask? Ok stay with me on this one. In case you haven’t heard, she is from Wasilla, Alaska and of course, by now you know that you can freakin’ see Russia from her house. But what’s that got to do with climate change you ask? Let me finish. Russia has a huge “Alaska” all its own called Siberia and from all accounts, Siberia is one cold and desolate place. Yeah, but Russia has always been cold, you say smugishly self-assured.

Well, don’t you find it freaky that Florida had a cold snap this month? And lots of Florida farmers are redneck conservatives? Good ole’ boys? Sorry not connecting the dots. I can see where lumping Alaska in with Siberia isn’t such a far out concept, especially since, a long, long time ago, they actually were connected by, I think, the natural bridge to nowhere, you interject with a modicum of doubt.

But what does Siberia have to do with tropical Florida? Well, I’m gonna tell you. It’s said that it is difficult even today to get good fruits and vegetables in Russia and with the latest crop failures in Florida, the same can be said for America, can’t it? Maybe? Just say yes so we can move on.

Sarah Palin is getting bolder and bolder and, little by little, she is showing her true colors as a teabagger, distancing herself further and further from the conservative party, not unlike the distance from say Alaska to Florida. It’s pretty much been established that tea baggers are hell bent (no pun intended) on making sure the public knows that there is no global warming and that this recent cold snap, in fact, is the beginning of a mini ice age, not part of a slow warming trend where we’ll see increasing temperatures over the next few decades (kinda like the warm up we’re seeing right now in Florida).

So, what this all means is, with ice and snow all the way down in Florida, albeit for only a couple days, not only are there going to be some pissed off conservative farmers who are going to have a cold snap thrown in their faces on a regular basis by a turncoat when they turn on the only news channel they feel they can trust for fair and balanced reporting, but crop failures are sure to hit America in epic proportions if subsidy payments aren’t made on time. Therefore, doesn’t it make sense that a teabagger with ice and snow experience should be on tap to create more controversy and discuss ice and snow in the news, and throw in a sprinkling of how taxpayers shouldn’t have to pay for farm crop failures? I know that I, for one, would tune in just to see O’Reilly’s head spinning.

Some say Rupert Murdoch is dumb, yeah, dumb as a Fox.