Dennis Miller Offering Glenn Beck Sidekick Job

Dennis Miller always had aspirations of being the next Bill O’Reilly or “Billy” as he calls him, or the next Glenn Beck. But, even though he does have his own radio talk show, so far, it’s only gotten him a ticket as a guest wise ass on both of those shows. He wants to be in front of the cameras so bad he can taste it, and now that Glenn Beck is being forced from Fox News, he sees it as his big chance to get ahead in the business.

“Oh, I’m over the fact that people won’t allow me to have my own news show like that hack, Jon Stewart,” said Miller. “But if I can convince Glenn Beck to team up with me in a Laurel and Hardy Meet Walter Cronkite sort of way, that may convince the Fox powers that be that I have that little something extra they need to jazz up their news shows, namely comedy.”

Miller says that Beck is the perfect sidekick for his brand of humor. “People take Glenn Beck seriously, but in reality, he’s one of the funniest and wittiest guys I know,” says Miller. “He doesn’t call himself the rodeo clown for nothing. He knows he’s pulling a big one over on the people of America every time he gets in front of that camera and, up until recently, Beck was laughing all the way to the bank with the bull crap he was telling everyone.” Miller claims Beck would be willing to do the visual stunts his show would need to succeed as well.

“I remember the Glenn Beck episode where he poured gasoline all over some poor guy and was standing there with a match. I was on the edge of my frikkin’ seat,” says Miller. “That’s the kind of stuff I want to do, and Beck could really help me pull it off.”

According to Miller, now is the best time to rope that rodeo clown in on a twosome deal that he (Miller) says will be the best comedy team since Rowan and Martin. “Hell,” he said, “I’d go one better. You get me and Glenn Beck in the studio together, and you’ll swear you’re watching the real version of that old cartoon, Lippy the Lion and Hardy Har Har. That’s just how funny we’d be. If I can pull this off, the two of us could conceivably take politics to a level so ridiculous, it would resonate louder than the shot heard round the world.”

Miller says he’s ready for the big time. “I’m so tired of hearing the question ‘Who?’ whenever someone mentions my name in passing.”

Glenn Beck One Ups Oprah; Announces He’s Leaving Fox News

Everyone is wondering what or even who Glenn Beck will go after on his last show to air on the Fox News Channel later this year. Just like Oprah, who announced last year that she’d be retiring this year, Glenn Beck announced he was being fired and would leave Fox when he’s damn well good and ready. Yet, no one has a clue exactly what will appear on the mad rodeo clown’s blackboard on that last day.

That’s because no one at Fox News has actually had the cajones to confront Beck with a final air date, nor do they plan to. “He’s a scary guy,” said Gary Grimley, associate producer of Beck’s show. “While Fox fully expects craziness from its personalities on the network, we don’t actually confront it. That’s just nuts.” Grimley, speaking on the condition of anonymity, says that “crazy is what brings in the bucks on Fox.”

Unfortunately, now that the Glenn Beck brand of crazy is actually chasing the bucks away, as in ad revenue, Fox has decided it’s time to cut him loose. Said Grimley, “May God have mercy on America and Fox’s souls,” and added “You aren’t going to print my name, right?”

Rupert Murdoch Warns Sarah Palin and Roger Ailes to Play Nice

Rupert Murdoch is the first to admit that he hires strong personalities, and it is sometimes hard to reel them in. When they are good, they are very, very good, but when they are bad they are horrid. That is exactly what is happening in the case of Roger Ailes and Sarah Palin.

Lately, Murdoch has spent more time writing e-mails to the two telling them to play nice than he’d like to. In fact, he’s said more than once that if he could get away with it, he’d treat both of them just like his own kids. “Ailes would get a size 10 up his arse and I’d put Sarah across my knee.”

The latest row just doesn’t seem to want to go away. Sarah Palin was told by Ailes to lay low after the Tuscon shootings, but Palin didn’t heed his warning. Instead, some say she was testing Ailes when she went ahead with her “blood libel” video, which, by the way, no one really got anyway, including Palin.

“Oh, I could have stayed in Alaska for a week or two until the darned Tuscon thingie blew over,” said Palin, “but I just love getting under Roger’s skin. He’s just so easy to tease. Heck, they explained blood libel to me a couple times and I still didn’t get it, but it sure sounded like something that would rile a few folks up and keep me in the spotlight, so I said, ‘what the heck? Let’s do it!’”

Meanwhile, Roger Ailes is said to have come very close to firing Palin after that video. “We’ve put up with her inability to comprehend basic geography, but now she’s showing just how uneducated she is in all subjects, including history and, what should be her best subject, politics,” says Ailes.

“Every time I tell Rupert that she’s just doing these things to make me look stupid, he tells me to shut up and pay her. If I didn’t make so much money now, I’d blow this popsicle stand and go to work for NPR.” Then he added, “Nah, never in a million years. I hear they have to beg for their checks every week. That would suck.”

Meanwhile, rumors have it that Palin is working on her next video to get Ailes riled up. Something about how monkeys could run Fox News. Can’t wait to see that video.

Fox Employee Threatens Suit over Boss’ Excessive Flatulence

A former Fox News employee is threatening to file a lawsuit in New York District Court against News Corp, the parent company of Fox News Channel, and Fox News President, Roger Ailes, claiming that she was wrongfully terminated when she told the HR manager that she could no longer work closely with Mr. Ailes due to his “inability to control his intestinal disruptions regularly throughout the day.” In other words, his farts stank to high heavens. Additional claims of unsafe working conditions and exposure to an environmental hazard in the workplace are also being leveled against the company.

Ling Chang Phu, personal assistant to Aisle’s executive assistant, stated that she was regularly asked to bring various items into Mr. Ailes’ office throughout the day. “First thing in the morning, it was more like just a rancid coffee smell, but as the day wore on and Mr. Ailes consumed more and more carbs, he began to smell worse and worse so that by the end of the day, I flat out refused to take anything into his office without some type of protective covering over my nose and mouth.”

Said Ailes’ executive assistant, “obviously, we hired Ms. Phu to do the tasks that I either was too busy to handle or that I felt I should not be subjected to, which may or may not have included walking into what we jokingly refer to around here as the “sewer.”

In defending against Ms. Phu’s claims of unsafe working conditions and wrongful termination, News Corp attorneys stated that Ms. Phu knew or should have known about Mr. Aisles’ flatulence problem due to the fact that before her promotion to assistant to the assistant to Ailes, she worked just one floor below his office and complained of a smell not unlike backed-up toilets permeating her airspace and regularly asked maintenance to take a look. “It is our belief that Ms. Phu was well aware of the working conditions she would be exposed to before taking the promotion, and took the promotion thinking that she would be able to withstand the smell for the substantial raise she negotiated.”

It is anticipated that News Corp will attempt to settle this claim without the necessity of Ms. Phu going through with filing a lawsuit because they feel it could open the door to a class-action suit against Fox and Ailes by the entire Fox News Channel staff. Already, there have been rumors of mailroom attendants and other support staff threatening to quit if something isn’t done about retrofitting the office with industrial-strength odor eaters throughout the Fox News offices.

An attempt last year to remedy the situation by ordering fresh flowers be placed strategically throughout the office met with failure when the flowers wouldn’t last a day in the toxic environment. One employee, who asked to remain anonymous, joked “yeah, it’s gotten to the point that someone suggested we bring a canary to work and if it dies, we’ll know to get out of here fast.”

We have attempted several times to reach Mr. Ailes for a comment but all times have found him either out to breakfast, lunch, dinner or “in a meeting with Mr. John,” which we’ve since been told is code for bathroom break.

Sarah Palin Becomes Climate Change Expert at Fox News

News has broken that Fox News has taken the plunge(errr) and has hired Sarah Palin as a contributor to take on some of the most controversial issues of our time, including climate change. Satirists and comedians were said to be partying into the wee hours of the night in anticipation of “the perfect storm,” i.e. Palin, Fox News and climate change coming together all in one place, and can’t wait for Sarah’s opening performance.

So what makes Sarah such an expert on say, climate change, you ask? Ok stay with me on this one. In case you haven’t heard, she is from Wasilla, Alaska and of course, by now you know that you can freakin’ see Russia from her house. But what’s that got to do with climate change you ask? Let me finish. Russia has a huge “Alaska” all its own called Siberia and from all accounts, Siberia is one cold and desolate place. Yeah, but Russia has always been cold, you say smugishly self-assured.

Well, don’t you find it freaky that Florida had a cold snap this month? And lots of Florida farmers are redneck conservatives? Good ole’ boys? Sorry not connecting the dots. I can see where lumping Alaska in with Siberia isn’t such a far out concept, especially since, a long, long time ago, they actually were connected by, I think, the natural bridge to nowhere, you interject with a modicum of doubt.

But what does Siberia have to do with tropical Florida? Well, I’m gonna tell you. It’s said that it is difficult even today to get good fruits and vegetables in Russia and with the latest crop failures in Florida, the same can be said for America, can’t it? Maybe? Just say yes so we can move on.

Sarah Palin is getting bolder and bolder and, little by little, she is showing her true colors as a teabagger, distancing herself further and further from the conservative party, not unlike the distance from say Alaska to Florida. It’s pretty much been established that tea baggers are hell bent (no pun intended) on making sure the public knows that there is no global warming and that this recent cold snap, in fact, is the beginning of a mini ice age, not part of a slow warming trend where we’ll see increasing temperatures over the next few decades (kinda like the warm up we’re seeing right now in Florida).

So, what this all means is, with ice and snow all the way down in Florida, albeit for only a couple days, not only are there going to be some pissed off conservative farmers who are going to have a cold snap thrown in their faces on a regular basis by a turncoat when they turn on the only news channel they feel they can trust for fair and balanced reporting, but crop failures are sure to hit America in epic proportions if subsidy payments aren’t made on time. Therefore, doesn’t it make sense that a teabagger with ice and snow experience should be on tap to create more controversy and discuss ice and snow in the news, and throw in a sprinkling of how taxpayers shouldn’t have to pay for farm crop failures? I know that I, for one, would tune in just to see O’Reilly’s head spinning.

Some say Rupert Murdoch is dumb, yeah, dumb as a Fox.

Fox News Signs Bristol Palin as Jr. Political Correspondent

Following the heels of her famous mother, Sarah Palin, Bristol Palin has reportedly been offered a Jr. Political Correspondent position at Fox News for an undisclosed salary.

Fox News would not confirm or deny the news, but instead offered this statement, “until we can confirm or deny this news, we cannot confirm or deny that Bristol Palin will be joining our news team as a Jr. Political Correspondent for the sole purpose of reporting on her mother, Sarah Palin’s, unconfirmed run for President in 2012.”

Fox News Best at Dumbing Down America

Results of a preliminary study conducted by the Institute for the Dumbing Down of America (IDDA), Fox News Group has come out way ahead of any other television network news provider as having phenomenal success in creating misinformed, less intelligent human beings over the past ten years.

According to Dr. Bo Gusfindings, “folks who have been getting their news from shows such as The Glenn Beck Show, The O’Reilly Factor, On the Record with Greta Van Susteren, and Hannity were less able to correctly answer simple third grade questions than those who got their news from alternative news sources.

One study participant, when asked if she thought global warming was a real threat stated robotically, “global warming is the biggest scam perpetuated on people.” (Points were deducted from her score for using perpetuated rather than perpetrated.) But moving on, this particular Fox News viewer then gave her reasons for why she thought global warming was a scam:

1. Right now it is so cold where I live that I can’t even go outside, and I live in Houston. Can you believe it snowed in Houston? In the winter? If snow is cold, it can’t be warm, right?

2. They say the ice at both poles is melting and making the oceans rise, but the oceans rise and fall all the time. It’s called tides.

3. Global warming people just want me to buy green products, but my favorite color is blue.

When Gusfindings was pressed as to why he thought adults who watched Fox News were becoming less intelligent, he cited several factors. “For one thing,” he said, “these viewers are being shown misinformation in the form of photos and stage props, such as blackboards and white boards, while simultaneously being told half truths and misinformation. What this does is confuse the Fox News viewer, who has to decide whether to listen to what is being told him or watch the visual aids. This type of news broadcast leads to a repressed thinking pattern caused by willing the viewer to do two things at one time.

For instance, on The Glenn Beck Show, Beck uses many visual aids to get his point across such as white boards, black boards, and giant note pads on easels. In one case, while misspelling the word “Oligarhy” on a blackboard, Beck was telling his viewing audience that America was turning into an “Oligarchy” and tying it in visually with words like ACORN Style Organization, Obama and Hidden Agenda, among others. Said Gusfindings, “this is a perfect example from which to gather our information for our studies.” After showing this particular video to the study participants, Gusfindings gave each of them a simple comprehension test to determine what they learned, and these are the results:

1. How do you spell Oligarchy? 100% answered “Oligarhy.”

2. What is a hidden agenda? 95% answered “true” that it was a practical joke played on the President by his children.

3. What is ACORN? Answers ranged from “I don’t know” to “why do they spell it with all capital letters?”

4. Who is Obama? 97% of the answers cannot be printed here, but suffice it to say that only the “N” word was spelled correctly.

In addition, Beck stages skits featuring things like dousing an actor on his show with supposed gasoline while impersonating scary things Obama might say, and then threatening to light a match to set the actor on fire. This type of subliminal thought transference leaves the viewer coming away from the images believing Obama to be a very scary and psychopathic leader who looks a lot like a white guy.

Gusfindings was asked what, if anything, can be done to reverse this unsettling trend of dumbing down America by these types of faux news channels. He had this to say, “short of tying these folks down and making them watch real news reports where a newscaster actually reports the news without injecting his or her two cents’ worth into the stories presented, and short of taking away viewers’ television sets altogether and making them actually sit down and read a newspaper, I’m afraid this trend will continue to escalate until the majority of Americans will only be able to communicate in bits and bites, and by bites, I do mean that literally.”

Glenn Beck’s Latest Book: “Mama I Spilled My Cocoa Puffs

Yet another poignant reminder that Glenn Beck was born and lived to tell about it.

In “Mama, I Spilled My Cocoa Puffs,” Beck takes his readers back to a time when all there was for breakfast was cold cereal and a glass of tap water, but it was enough to sustain him until he got lunch in the school lunch line and then dinner back home at night. “It’s a story of courage,” says Beck. “When times seemed the darkest and I got smacked upside the head for spilling a bit of my cereal on the kitchen floor, it taught me how to mop…mop up my milk, mop up the table in front of me, mop up my tears and get on the school bus.”

“A raving lunacy of a book. I laughed until I cried of laughter.” NY Post-its.
“Beck’s brilliant understanding of how his child-like mind works will help you understand how the man Beck thinks and how he doesn’t.” LA Times Two.
“Beck, what can you say about Beck?!!” Indianapolis Weekly Shopper

“I had to write this next book,” says Beck, “because there was a chapter missing in my ‘Christmas Sweater’ book. A story that begged to be told, so people everywhere can understand why my story is so dismal, so out of touch with reality, and why I am able to get up every day knowing I am telling my truths, no matter how unbelievable they are, they are still my truths, about God, country, and a woman who shaped me into who I am today, a man not afraid of crying over spilt milk.”

Although, the story is far from over, it will be repeated over and over until we can’t take any more of the torment Beck throws at us, the anguish we must feel at reading his every word until we, too, will be crying, “please, please Beck, no more, no more, please, no more.”

“A triumphant, brilliant, extraordinary cover photo!” The Madison County Picayune Times.
“Will undeniably sit atop a shelf at Borders begging to be purchased!” Reader’s Daily Reads.
“The Dr. Seuss of childhood memories.” Science Monitory Weekly Reader.

Never before has anyone written with such child-like mastery. You can almost see the crayon marks within the pages of Beck’s words, like a house with only one window, a skateboard with a wobbly tire, or a cat with only 7 lives. Beck reaches to the inner core of all of the people out there who are out of touch and wanting so much to be in touch. Never again will you spill a bit of milk, or juice, or even wine for that matter without thinking about that little klutz, Glenn Beck, and his eagerness to make his mommy proud of him again.

Glenn Beck Show Saved by "Good Ol' Boy" Advertisers

Those of you worried that your favorite television hate slinger won’t be around much longer on the Fox News Channel needn’t lose any sleep. Glenn Beck is cashing in his chips from some big supporters, without whom he wouldn’t have a show.

Fox is getting flooded with calls from the very industries that made Beck the redneck household name that he is. Gun manufacturers, bail bondsmen, taxidermists, hunting dog puppy mills, and hunting suppliers from all over America are coming to Beck’s aid, offering to buy up advertising spots on his show in fifteen second increments to keep him on the air.

There are so many companies in line to purchase ad time on Beck’s show that Fox has had to form a lottery, allowing hopeful advertisers to put their name in the proverbial huntin’ cap for a shot at getting one of the highly prized spots. Most of the companies vying for the spots are cottage industries, and as such, do not even have an advertising budget, but they are asking their friends, families and customers to pitch in whatever they can afford to come up with the hundreds of thousands of dollars needed to keep Beck on the air.

“Skeet” Newby of Skeet’s Shooters Emporium in Joplin, Missouri had this to say about Beck, “Oh my God, I can’t imagine a day without listening to Glenn Beck. His words speak straight to my heart. Me and my family is going to do everything we can to help ol’ Glenn out, even if it means putting a second mortgage on the trailer.” There are hundreds more out there in America doing what they can to keep the Glenn Beck Show alive on Fox.

One major gun aficionado magazine “Cocked and Loaded” has expressed a desire to buy up all the spots in the first half hour of Beck’s show in order to air some pretty comical ads featuring the talking dog “AK-47.” While they weren’t specific on what the ads would depict, a spokesperson did give a few hints by saying that the spots would have everyone rolling in the aisles. “A talking dog with a southern accent and the baby shooting the gun is something that will appeal to most of Beck’s supporters,” said Karl Drove, head of the magazine’s marketing department.

Sources close to Beck have leaked the names of a few more companies that have put in their bids for this most coveted airtime. From smokeless tobacco companies to manufactured home dealers, anyone associated with the “Proud to Be a Redneck” movement are stepping forward to help good ol’ Glenn stay on the air. “In fact, we just received word today that the Southern Alliance of Thank You Jesus Our Lord and Savior Church Amalgamation has promised to turn over next month’s entire offerings from every church in the tri-state area to help keep Beck on the air,” said Sally Pittles, Beck’s private assistant.

Rascal Smitts of Rascal’s Camo and Ammo in Great Forge, Arkansas says he’s been listening to Glenn Beck for a couple of years now and credits Beck with getting the word out on the importance of owning guns. “Especially in today’s mixed up political world, where socialism seems to be making a comeback, it’s nice to know that someone gets it,” said Rascal. “I mean, things are getting to the point where you need to arm yourself at these political rallies to show who is still boss. I mean, for Chrissake, we have a guy with the name Hussein in office. Thank goodness we have Glenn Beck to remind us just how angry we should all be about that.”

Although Glenn Beck couldn’t be reached for comment, sources close to Beck say that he knew all along his supporters would come through for him and he’s more determined than ever to keep this country as divided as he can for as long as the ad revenues roll in.