New Poll Shows That 99% of Americans Think Glenn Beck is Nuts

The National Opinion Research Center has just published the results of last week’s tracking poll which indicates that a solid 99% of Americans think that radio talk show host Glenn Beck is nuts.

The poll results were broadcast mere minutes after Beck warned capitalists on his radio show to beware of the Occupy Wall Street movement.

“Capitalists, if you think that you can play footsies with these people, you're wrong. They will come for you and drag you into the streets and kill you...” said Beck on Monday.

Keith Martin, an employee at NORC who was in charge of accumulating the votes said that they weren’t expecting the push back on Beck to be so high, seeing as that 99% included people who regularly listen to his radio broadcast.

“All we can conclude is that in America today,” said Martin, “people like Glenn Beck are expected to be crazy, to say and do the outlandish to make money, so that when it comes time to vote in a poll on whether or not the guy is nuts, they are saying yes in a positive way.”

Still, Martin wanted to make a point that those following Beck now only accounts for .000041 percent of the actual polling figures and therefore, those who think he is truly nuts is still at a solid 99%, and half of those polled believe Beck is dangerous and capable of carrying out a few killings of his own.

As Beck’s former employees would say “the dribble is on his bib,” referring to the fact that Beck now needs to wear a dribble bib to catch the flow of sputum streaming down his chin as he gets worked up talking about those 99ers out there pushing for change in America. Several psychiatrists have confirmed that this is one of the very first signs that a man is going completely mad.

Glenn Beck Trades Fancy Fox Set for Soapbox and Bullhorn

Last week, Glenn Beck hosted his last show on the Fox News Network. While he won’t admit he was fired for his lack of ability to tone down the batshit crazy rhetoric he is so famous for, he does say that his firing has opened a new doorway to allow him to get his message out to the people on a more personal level.

Holding an impromptu press conference immediately after leaving Fox, Beck welcomed the chance to try out his new method of delivering his message. “I’ve decided it is time to get back to my roots,” said Beck, as he put a makeshift soapbox on the ground, stepped up on it and began speaking through a bullhorn.

“Don’t weep for me, faithful Beckkies. This is not the end. It is just the beginning. I welcome the change that Roger [Ailes] has offered me. The ability to walk away from a lucrative salary and just hit the streets with our founding fathers’ message.

Beck told the three or four people who had gathered to watch him leave the Fox News premises that he has been busy writing a series of speeches entitled “The Soapbox Diaries,” and intends to give the speeches in various cities throughout America, reaching as many patriots as he can one-by-one.

“Hell, if it’s good enough for the hallelujah boys on the street corners, then it’s sure as hell good enough for me,” Beck shouted, alluding to that fact that he was now left with nothing more than an opinion. With that, Beck stepped back down off the soapbox and started to leave.

One bystander asked Beck if he’ll miss the bright lights and big corporate news set, not to mention his giant blackboard. Beck stepped back up on the soapbox and responded through his bullhorn, “It’s not about appearing in front of a television camera and reaching millions of viewers; it’s not even about having fancy props like giant blackboards and a whole new box of colored chalk. It’s about going into neighborhoods and shouting at the top of my lungs, “Give me back my liberty,” he said. “You just can’t do that in a studio. Believe me, I tried. They told me to pipe down.”

At which time, one of Roger Ailes’ assistants approached Beck demanding he surrender the Coke crate and bullhorn he’d taken from the Fox News prop room.

Pat Robertson Blasts Glenn Beck for Starting Gay Web Network

Well-known Christian Conservative, Pat Robertson is fuming over the fact that one of his favorite ‘pot stirrers’ has moved over to the dark side.

In a radio interview Friday, Robertson blasted Glenn Beck for eschewing his fanatical belief system and starting up a gay black web internet TV network.

“GBTV is everything the Christian Broadcasting Network (CBN) is not,” said a visibly upset Robertson in explaining his ire with Beck. Choosing a name to brand yourself with is one of the most important parts of being able to sway millions of people to your side,” he added.

Not one to mince words, Robertson told  Beck, “Had you simply put a “C” for Christian somewhere in your web television name, perhaps no one would be confused, but GBTV? Do you know how many homosexuals are going to be viewing your channel to see what Glenn Beck has to offer?”

When Robertson was corrected and told that GBTV does not stand for Gay Black Television, it did little to assuage his concerns. “Well, it’s a sad day when you have to bring the gay blacks into your business at all,” answered Robertson.

Following the exchange on Friday, Glenn Beck reportedly called an emergency meeting with his lawyers to see if he could have the initials “G” and “B” officially trademarked to stand for Glenn Beck exclusively, but there has been no word on the outcome of that meeting.

What was expected to be smooth sailing ahead for Beck is turning out to be a conservative Christian Mormon’s worst nightmare. 

Dennis Miller Offering Glenn Beck Sidekick Job

Dennis Miller always had aspirations of being the next Bill O’Reilly or “Billy” as he calls him, or the next Glenn Beck. But, even though he does have his own radio talk show, so far, it’s only gotten him a ticket as a guest wise ass on both of those shows. He wants to be in front of the cameras so bad he can taste it, and now that Glenn Beck is being forced from Fox News, he sees it as his big chance to get ahead in the business.

“Oh, I’m over the fact that people won’t allow me to have my own news show like that hack, Jon Stewart,” said Miller. “But if I can convince Glenn Beck to team up with me in a Laurel and Hardy Meet Walter Cronkite sort of way, that may convince the Fox powers that be that I have that little something extra they need to jazz up their news shows, namely comedy.”

Miller says that Beck is the perfect sidekick for his brand of humor. “People take Glenn Beck seriously, but in reality, he’s one of the funniest and wittiest guys I know,” says Miller. “He doesn’t call himself the rodeo clown for nothing. He knows he’s pulling a big one over on the people of America every time he gets in front of that camera and, up until recently, Beck was laughing all the way to the bank with the bull crap he was telling everyone.” Miller claims Beck would be willing to do the visual stunts his show would need to succeed as well.

“I remember the Glenn Beck episode where he poured gasoline all over some poor guy and was standing there with a match. I was on the edge of my frikkin’ seat,” says Miller. “That’s the kind of stuff I want to do, and Beck could really help me pull it off.”

According to Miller, now is the best time to rope that rodeo clown in on a twosome deal that he (Miller) says will be the best comedy team since Rowan and Martin. “Hell,” he said, “I’d go one better. You get me and Glenn Beck in the studio together, and you’ll swear you’re watching the real version of that old cartoon, Lippy the Lion and Hardy Har Har. That’s just how funny we’d be. If I can pull this off, the two of us could conceivably take politics to a level so ridiculous, it would resonate louder than the shot heard round the world.”

Miller says he’s ready for the big time. “I’m so tired of hearing the question ‘Who?’ whenever someone mentions my name in passing.”

Glenn Beck One Ups Oprah; Announces He’s Leaving Fox News

Everyone is wondering what or even who Glenn Beck will go after on his last show to air on the Fox News Channel later this year. Just like Oprah, who announced last year that she’d be retiring this year, Glenn Beck announced he was being fired and would leave Fox when he’s damn well good and ready. Yet, no one has a clue exactly what will appear on the mad rodeo clown’s blackboard on that last day.

That’s because no one at Fox News has actually had the cajones to confront Beck with a final air date, nor do they plan to. “He’s a scary guy,” said Gary Grimley, associate producer of Beck’s show. “While Fox fully expects craziness from its personalities on the network, we don’t actually confront it. That’s just nuts.” Grimley, speaking on the condition of anonymity, says that “crazy is what brings in the bucks on Fox.”

Unfortunately, now that the Glenn Beck brand of crazy is actually chasing the bucks away, as in ad revenue, Fox has decided it’s time to cut him loose. Said Grimley, “May God have mercy on America and Fox’s souls,” and added “You aren’t going to print my name, right?”

O’Reilly and Obama Agree that Glenn Beck is Nuts

President Obama sat down with Fox News Show host Bill O’Reilly in a rare and candid interview that touched on everything from the unrest in Egypt and how it should be handled, the economy and how to achieve a more stable union, and Obama’s thoughts on the 2012 elections. But it was Glenn Beck that really brought the two men together in a meeting of the minds.

In hyping the interview, Bill O claimed that this would be the most watched interview of any in the history of mankind due to the fact that it preceded the Super Bowl and, of course, it was a Fox host interviewing President Obama and not Keith Olbermann, who, O’Reilly couldn’t resist adding “is still unemployed as far as I know, seeing as he never took me up on my offer to be my shoeshine boy.”

In reality, however, early leaks that O’Reilly and Obama would be dissing Glenn Beck on national television and coming to a consensus over his waning mental state seems to have been the big draw all along. Word travels fast especially when Bill O is responsible for self-promotion. Little hints were dropped all during the week preceding the interview. If you were lucky, you’d catch little nuggets like “Be sure to watch Sunday before the game when President Obama and I will sit down and discuss, among other things, the state of Glenn Beck’s mind,” making a play on discussion about the state of the union.

Once the interview was complete and O’Reilly was interviewed himself by reporters, he stated “I admit it. I’m a ratings whore. If it weren’t for the discussion about Glenn Beck’s deteriorating grasp of reality, we may have gotten people to tune in, but after about 5 minutes of discussing Egypt and the economy, they’d be switching over to the pre-game shows and not given us a second look.

“Once again,” claims O’Reilly, “I gotta give props to Glenn Beck. He is the real draw here.” And then he added, “Like it or not.”

Glenn Beck is Dusting Off His Lederhosen and Ratcheting Up His ‘Hitlerspeak’

“Politicians, however, are there to protect you, and they're pushing a ban on certain symbols and words, a ban on guns, a ban on talk radio.” [Fox News, Glenn Beck, 1/11/11]

In the wake of the pushback he’s getting from the shooting in Tucson, Arizona this past week, Glenn Beck is finding it necessary to ratchet up his fear mongering and he’s doing it at a fevered pitch not seen since the days when he first sported a pair of Lederhosen on national television and started interviewing himself. Yes, Beck has brought the Hitlerspeak back to let America know that in the sea of crazy, he is the one lone sane voice that is going to save them from marching to “Der Commandant’s” cadence.

This time he is claiming that certain Washington lawmakers, at the prompting of President Obama, are using the tragedy to once again take away our guns. In doing so, Beck has succeeded in prompting the biggest buying spree of guns, especially the exact same kind of gun used in Saturday’s shooting, since right before Obama’s election, when he spurred Americans to get their guns before their rights were taken away for good.

“It’s not just me that is scared of losing my rights,” says Beck. “Gosh darn it, I have the best interests of my fellow Second Amendment rights believers in mind when I tell them ‘Get out there and buy your weapons, you idiots, before it’s too late.’ Is that so wrong?”

Attempts to find video of this latest on-air stunt have proven to be near impossible as any existing videos of Beck touting Americans to take back America by force, if necessary, have been scrubbed from YouTube. No explanation has been given.

Three Stooges Make Rare Appearance after Tucson Shooting

The definition of a stooge, according to Merriam-Webster is: (1) one who plays a subordinate or compliant role to a principal; (2) puppet.

They may not be the original Larry, Moe and Curly, or even Shemp in this sense, but they are Stooges all the same. Sarah Palin, Rush Limbaugh, and Glenn Beck continue to be manipulated by the big money that pays their salaries, and because of that, they have proven once again that even when they are caught with their hands in the cookie jar, they still won’t admit their hate rhetoric may have played a small but important part in shaping a young man’s political views.

The shooting of several people this past weekend by someone who is slowly emerging as a very troubled individual has many wondering how this could happen, as is always the case when tragedy strikes and answers don’t come quickly enough.

Blame slowly begins to be laid at the feet of anyone who may have remotely contributed to shaping the shooter’s mindset. For Sarah, Rush, and Glenn to deny any culpability and to even go so far as to try and place the blame on their political enemies goes beyond the realm of realistic. Yet that is what is expected of them if they are to continue receiving the big bucks from the guys who really call the shots.

The statements and actions by each of the Stooges during the past few years should directly implicate them whether they like it or not in this horrible shooting event, as they had no compunction whatsoever in giving their asinine views nonchalantly about guns, gun rights, political opponents and how to deal with political opponents prior to it. They may want to argue the point, but it is apparent that the Stooges gave their views with little regard as to whether or not a few crazies may actually act on the inciteful messages they were receiving via television or radio broadcasts.

Sure, a number of politicians and pundits from every political persuasion are guilty of using guns to get across their political points. After all, the subject of guns and the right to possess them is one of the most heated debates of our time. However, the rhetoric spouted by the Three Stooges is particularly incendiary due to their wild popularity with the right wing revolutionary populace in this country. Some of the words spoken by Sarah, Rush and Glenn were not only irresponsible, but they were obviously said with the purpose of riling up their base or the base of their puppet masters.

Let it not go unnoticed that since the tragedy, there has been a bit of back peddling being done by the Stooge Sarah as she tries frantically to distance herself from her SarahPAC map and what it really did depict, while Stooges Rush and Glenn seem to actually become even more defiant in their right to say anything they want regardless of whom it spurs to violence. After all, they aren’t the ones who are actually holding the weapons are they?

Glenn Beck Creates New Religion “Mormonistianity”

Coming off the self-proclaimed super success of his Restoring Honor Rally in Washington, D.C., Glenn Beck has had an epiphany of sorts. In fact, he believes that his particular belief system is different enough and believable enough to catch on with the majority of Christians who are tired of being lied to.

Those close to him claim that Beck believes so much in his beliefs that he has created a whole new belief system, or religion if you will, which he has called Mormonistianity. In an effort to try and explain his new-found, newly branded religion, Beck told his radio listening audience this “If anyone is confused about what to believe, it is this little buckaroo. Believe you me, I have been searching for a belief system practically all my life. First of all, I was raised in the Roman Catholic faith, but kind of lost my way. When I found my way, it turns out I felt I had been on the wrong road and took the first right over onto Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints Avenue smack dab in the middle of Mormontown.”

Yes, as usual, Beck was unable to actually coherently explain his early worship years. However, when he began to speak of his new belief system, Mormonistianity, a spark ignited and he was once again able to speak semi-eloquently about what he hopes to accomplish with his new religion. “Well, first and foremost, let’s get one thing clear, in order for a new religion to survive, it needs a central place of worship, or as I like to call it blind faith fellowship.” Beck then walked over to his chalkboard not realizing his radio listeners couldn’t see what he was doing, and began to scribble stuff on it.

“And so,” said Beck, “as you can see from what I’ve written on this blackboard, it will take $213 million dollars to build the Mormonistianity Temple of Fellowship in my home town of New Canaan, and I’m asking all of you to not only dig deep into your pockets to give to this brand new  religion I’ve concocted, but to also put down your bibles in order to free up your time to read my new book ‘Beck’s Blue Blazes Bibliography, the Teachings of Mormonistianity.’ It’s in bookstores and online now.”

Sarah Palin Hails President Obama at Beck Rally

Sarah Palin gave a surprise second speech Saturday at Glenn Beck’s “Restore Honor” rally in Washington, D.C. In it, she praised President Obama for finally bringing our combat troops home from Iraq.

“As a mother of a combat soldier,” I want to thank President Obama personally for seeing to it that my son’s life and the lives of the soldiers still living are finally home safe and sound from Iraq. There has been too much bloodshed already. That is what this rally is all about.”

When Glenn beck was told of the secondary speech, however, he was not pleased. “Jesus God in Heaven,” said Beck. “I got outside to load up on corn dogs and curly fries and come back to find out that my number two speaker has just given a second speech. Boy, you have to spell everything out for that Palin woman. Number two speaker just means she’s second in line to me, not that she gets two whacks at giving a speech.”

Beck went on. “I just hope she’s smart enough to realize which of the Jiffy Johns are for #1 and #2, cause these corn dogs can sure cause some distress.”

Sarah Palin Claims She Can Be as Apolitical as the Next Politician

As Glenn Beck’s sidekick for Saturday’s highly-hyped event “Restoring Honor Rally” expected to draw lots of white people to the nation’s capital on the 47^th anniversary of one of the most significant events in black history, Sarah Palin says for that one weekend, she’s going apolitical.

That’s right. Sarah Palin plans on speaking to the crowd as an everyday citizen, not as someone who is potentially running for office of President of the United States. How she is going to pull off this amazing bait and switch is anyone’s guess, but suffice it to say, if anyone can do it, Sarah can. She has the money to hire some of the best speech writers in the business. She’s just hoping the weather cooperates and it’s not too humid in D.C. this weekend so the notes on the palms of her hands don’t run.

Sarah twittered yesterday “No p-ticks this wkend. Just Am prid(e).”

Asked if she was a part of Beck’s decision to hold this rally on this particular day, Sarah responded that she wasn’t even aware of the date of King’s “I Have a Dream” speech. In fact, she claims she always thought he gave that speech in Memphis and then died. “So, I don’t understand,” said Sarah, “what all the fuss is about. It’s not like we’re taking our rally to Memphis or anything.”

Glenn Beck University Institutes Dress Code

Glenn Beck University was begun earlier this year by Glenn Beck following his receiving an honorary doctorate from fundamentalist Christian-led Liberty University.

Beck now believes he is qualified to offer college-level courses in American History, Economics and the Constitution, and does so under the guise of calling his courses Faith, Hope and Charity. It is, for Beck, a noble cause. He is single-handedly teaching the “truth” to anyone who will listen.

But before you click on that enrollment button, there is something you need to know. There is a dress code. Even though it is an online course, and you “think” you are free to roam around your room, buck-ass naked if you like while learning what Abraham Lincoln truly thought, or that civil rights and the tax laws are really unconstitutional, think again. Glenn Beck believes you must dress properly to learn properly, to get the most out of his “college” courses.

Men must sit in front of their computers in a full suit and tie, socks and shoes. No pajamas, no Calvin Klein skivvies and no sandals or slippers.

Women must show up in front of their computer screens in dresses or blouses and skirts, nylons or pantyhose and pumps.  Skirt length should be at or below the knee, no exceptions. Women may not wear their teddies from the night before or worse, show up for Beck’s classes in the nude. It simply is unacceptable. Beck claims that the look you should go for is that of your mother, who stayed home and took care of the house and kids. An everyday house dress will suffice if you don’t have anything nicer.

You may have no piercings, anywhere. You don’t need those things to learn. No earrings, no nipple rings, face studs, belly rings, etc. Don’t think you can keep your mouth closed in order to conceal your tongue stud either. Beck will give preliminary checks and have you show the inside of your mouth. If you have a tattoo, you may be asked to have it removed or you may simply not be allowed to attend classes at Glenn Beck University.

Haircuts are also discussed in the dress code section of the site. Men should have their hair cut military-style. If you don’t know what that is, you may copy Glenn’s own look.

Women, you may wear your hair bouffant-style as it is most attractive when you take off your glasses and let your hair down during study sessions. But aside from that, you are not allowed any extreme cuts such as the Kate Gosselin reverse mullet.

As Beck often says, “Cleanliness is next to Godliness,” so you will shower before every online session and wash your hands during breaks.

Glenn Beck is hoping that this dress code will lead to exemplary conduct and a 100% pass of all students. You may go to his site to request a copy of these guidelines.

Glenn Beck Claims Training Wheels on Bikes are for Sissies

New York, NY – Glenn Beck devotes entire segments of his show to his favorite subject, kids who get free rides in life and why they shouldn’t. For instance, in a past rant, Beck talked about how kids who got medals and trophies for merely showing up at sporting events whether or not they actually got to play in a game and score or do something noteworthy, were merely being sent the message that they don’t have to do anything extraordinary to be honored and in fact, should give those medals and trophies back so the kids who really earn them can appreciate them more.

Good point, that is until recently when Beck himself was bestowed an honorary doctorate in Humanities from Liberty University although he hardly ever stepped foot in a college in his life, for learning that is. But this isn’t about Beck’s own personal adherence to what he preaches, it is about kids and how they are spoiled brats and shouldn’t get any handouts in life.

The latest rant involves whether or not children’s toys should be so safe that children most likely will never experience pain in childhood and, without experiencing pain, they turn into mamby-pamby adults who have to be practically spoon fed throughout their lives.

Case in point, training wheels on bicycles. Beck began his show by saying, “Parents, don’t coddle your kids. Don’t start your toddlers out on a bike so small that even with training wheels, they can just put their feet on the ground and pull themselves forward without even peddling. That isn’t riding a bike. I believe what it does do is instill a false sense of security so that eventually, when the child has to ride a full-size bike, they will not have the balance skills and may even give up without even trying.”

As usual, Glenn pulled the rest of his message from personal experience and, with blackboard behind him, began his lesson on why kids should not learn to ride a bicycle with training wheels.

“When we were little, we didn’t get to learn to ride a bike on brand new Stingray bikes with cool banana seats and hi–rise handlebars; we didn’t get BMX bikes specially equipped with training wheels that were taken off only after we felt we had the balance skills to ride without them. Nosiree, we got to learn on our mom’s beat up old 26” Schwinn. Hell, we couldn’t even reach the peddles when we sat on the seat so we had to stand up and learn to ride.”

Beck, looking up and outward as if remembering it like it was yesterday, continued, “I remember my uncle out there on my first lesson telling me to get up there and start peddling while he held the back fender of the bike, walking alongside me. I tried as best I could to keep my little feet on those peddles but every once in awhile they’d slip and down my leg would go scraping against the chain,” Beck said as he stifled a sob with his fist.

“But I wasn’t, wasn’t…I wasn’t allowed to cry,” said Beck. “Nosiree Bob. I had to get back up there every time and do it again and again and again until I learned to not make that peddle spin underneath my foot. Finally, my uncle told me I was ready to go solo, but I begged him not to let go,” Beck emoted with signature anguish. “He said he wouldn’t, but he lied. I started to peddle really hard and I remember him running alongside behind me and then all of a sudden I felt a wobble, and,” Beck wiped tears from his eyes with the back of his fist, “I realized I was riding the bike all by my lonesome, no one there to catch me if I fell.”

“And yes, I fell,” he continued. “Boy did I fall. I fell hard, flat on my side. And what did my lousy uncle do” said Beck with decidedly pent-up anger, “the son of a…” Beck chuckled and went on. “The man laughed at me. He laughed at me! I hated him for that. But years later, in fact now, I thank him for it. It has made me what I am today. ‘No excuses Beck.’ ‘No free rides Beck.’ ‘No wimps need apply Beck,’ he said as he began scraping the chalk across the board in a most hysterical fashion.

Guns Galore at 139th Annual Meeting of NRA in Charlotte, NC

Charlotte, NC – It’s all about guns. Guns, guns, guns. Guns and more guns. There are big guns, little guns, guns that kill just one person, and guns that are capable of killing more than one person at a time. Guns for show and guns for show-time. There are great gun names like Howitzer and Luger and, as Arnold Schwarzenegger would say, “nine milleemeeters.” There are assault rifles, sniper rifles, submachine guns, light machine guns, semi-automatics, fully automatics, auto automatics, super automatics, uber automatics, ahhhhhhhhtowmaaaaaatics.

But wait, that’s not all! The gathering will bring out not only big guns in the sense of cannons and rocket and grenade launchers, but big guns in the sense of big-name conservative speakers like Sarah Palin, Glenn Beck, Newt Gingrich and others whose names are synonymous with guns--leaders who will do the best job they can to get the crowd riled up and angrier than they’ve ever been about the power they need to reclaim. Guns and taking back power, a kick-ass combination if there ever was one, just ask Chuck Norris, another notable on the guest list. We just hope the walls of the convention center are sturdy enough to contain all that raucous enthusiasm.

If you want to see more guns than you’ve ever seen in your life in one place, just head on down to Charlotte, North Carolina to the biggest gun show on earth. You won’t be disappointed. And the NRA has spared no expense to ensure your safety. The floors of the convention center will be lined end-to-end with “puppy piddle pads” so that no attendees will slip on what is expected to be the worlds’ largest drool pool.

Just don’t bring your own gun because the sign out front reads “no open or concealed carry weapons on Convention Center property.”

Secret Murdoch Tapes Threaten to Expose Palin and Beck as Puppets

Rumors are swirling in back alleys and executive washrooms about the handful of tapes that, if made public, could blow the lid off Rupert Murdoch’s hold on American politics, bringing Sarah Palin, Glenn Beck, and others down with him in the fallout.

The story about town is sometime late last year, a mysterious Chinese man concocted a scheme to seemingly save Murdoch’s life and in doing so, was given free access to Murdoch 24/7. The details are extremely sketchy, but the gist of the rumors is that this man was able to slip a mickey into Murdoch’s brandy after everyone had retired to their staterooms on Murdoch’s 184 ft. yacht, Rosehearty.

The supposedly close friend and confidant of Mr. Murdoch then began to secretly tape the conversation he was having with Rupert, the end result being that Murdoch quite easily spilled the beans on a number of topics he was lead to believe were private confidances. What was this man’s motive? Simply to keep Murdoch from furthering his reach into Chinese politics as he had done with American politics.

A scant few have seen the tapes, let alone listened to them, but a few stories have emerged as follows:

“Yes, yes, Paul, I was delighted to be able to get Sarah (Palin) to agree to head up the tea party rallies, but I have to tell you, she doesn’t come cheap,” he said. “She is one savvy business woman. I am spending millions on her and her entourage to travel all over the country giving her speeches. And I’ll let you in on a little secret…the ‘Going Rogue’ book? That was my idea. Pretty clever huh? I had a couple of my best writers in New York pen that puppy, and then I created all that hub-bub to make it look like she was a first class novelist. But she sure did get me fired up when she began to ask for more, more, more, using me as her private banker. ‘I want a jet, not a lousy bus. I need a new wardrobe. I want diet Dr. Pepper stocked in the limo.’ Yes sir, she’s expensive but she is effective.”

In another part of the tapes, Murdoch is supposedly led into a conversation about Glenn Beck. “That dildo,” says Murdoch, “I had to clean him up, get him sober and get him off the damn juice, but he ended up on my side of the court and now he knows he can’t even take a crap unless I say he can take a crap. I’ll let you in on a little secret. That rodeo clown thing? He hates it but I make him call himself that to keep him in line. I love watching him grovel as he goes on tape telling everyone he’s a rodeo clown. Serves him right. He was on the wrong side of the Lord for way too long and this is his penance. All I have to do is flash a few mil in his face and he’ll say and do just about anything I want for the almighty dollar. Yeah, in Beck’s case, money does the talking. He’s just the mouthpiece. If things start to calm down in this country and Obamer’s numbers start to rise again, I just get Beck to go on a tirade and its instant revolt. God I love this country.”

One wonders why Murdoch is so hell bent on tearing America apart with his partisan political clout. The answer may lie in his childhood. As a child in Church, he was told that America was the great whore of Babylon, and as his religious fervor grew, so did his desire to bring America to its knees if he was ever given the chance in order to one day build it back up into the Temple of the Lord.

But this is all just hearsay. Things coming out of smoke-filled back rooms where men whose lives are inexplicably intertwined in one way or the other with this media mogul and no one dares come forward, save for this possibly brave Chinese man who stands to make millions in his own right if he has bigger balls than the man he's trying to take down by bringing these tapes out into the open and finally exposing Rupert Murdoch as the power-hungry, political tyrant everyone supposes him to be.

Glenn Beck Found Naked, Confused Wandering Along Highway

New Canaan, Connecticut – Fox Television and radio personality, Glenn Beck was found wandering along Merritt Parkway close to his home in New Canaan, Connecticut early Thursday morning around 2 a.m. He was naked and confused and muttering “don’t freakin’ tread on me, don’t freakin’ tread on Glenn Beck” and was taken to the nearest hospital for observation. He was openly weeping.

No one knows for sure why Beck was on the highway. Doctors speculate that he may have been sleep walking and just decided to take a stroll along this most beautiful stretch of highway. Said Doctor Schmorgen, “it really is quite a lovely stretch of road near where Mr. Beck lives and it makes sense that he might want to get out there occasionally and experience nature, seeing as he’s cooped up inside a television and/or radio studio for so many hours in the day. The trees alone are just gorgeous this time of year. Mr. Beck is quite privileged to live in such a divine place.”

But when Beck himself was asked the reason why he was wandering along that stretch of highway at 2 a.m., he gave this account, “I was in my study, studying my script for the next show and suddenly this epiphany hit me. I realized that although I was becoming all things to all people, I just couldn’t handle the enormity of the situation. I mean, here I am, this joe schmoe from kokomo giving all kinds of advice to people, getting them riled up, trying to simmer them down, knowing that they are not only hanging on my every word but actually acting out according to what I tell them, kinda like Jesus giving his sermons and everyone doing as he said, and I just lost it.”

“I realized that I, me, Glenn Beck, the freakin’ most watched guy on television, was responsible for about 80% of what is wrong in America right now. The division, the hatred, the outward distrust of our President, are all things that I had stirred up.”

“That guy that flew that airplane into that building in Austin, he was 80% Glenn Beck in thinking. That guy who threw dollar bills at some poor schmuck on the ground with Parkinsons Disease telling him to get a job, that was 80% me throwing that money. Where were the good works of people who were listening to me? I realized there weren’t any.”

In a tortured voice, he continued, “I can’t tell you from that point on how my clothes came off, but I do remember thinking, I gotta get outta this skin, outta this lousy skin, this body that’s making me do these terrible things, and for what? The almighty dollar?

I hurried and got all my stocks and bonds, my available cash, my bank books, all our credit cards, even my gold stashes and I tried to burn every darned one of them and become like Buddha, understanding my suffering. Then I went for a walk, beating myself up and telling myself that tomorrow was going to be different and I was going to ask everyone to go back to a life of non-violence and try to get along with each other because I knew, that I, Glenn Beck, would be the only voice of reason that these people would listen to. I remember thinking, I live in New Canaan and that must be somewhere near Zion where I can give a great sermon, and that is, I guess, when I just started walking toward Mecca. Man, I musta just really cracked up, huh?”

Beck is resting comfortably with Roger Ailes by his side seeing to it that he is fully medicated so that once he regains his senses he can continue his life’s work on the Fox News network at least until his contract runs out.

His wife, meanwhile, is highly pissed that the shopping trip she had planned for this weekend in Beverly Hills will have to wait until new credit cards and checks can be issued. “Mr. Ego can just sit in that hospital and stew on this awhile,” she was reported as saying. “He wants to mess with people’s lives, let him, but he better damn well not affect my life like this again or it’s hasta I’m outta here, baby.”

Rocker Beck Removes “c” in name to Disassociate Self from Glenn Beck

Totally cool indie rocker, Beck, has had enough of being confused with Glenn Beck on the internet and is finally taking steps to disassociate himself once and for all with the name Beck. He has decided to revert back to his real name Bek so that his friends and fans no longer have to be subjected to the vitriolic message they sometimes are subjected to when they find their way onto Glenn Beck’s website by mistake.

To introduce the change, Bek is planning on hosting a free intimate “Re-Naming Party” in L.A. sometime in May. And, to make absolutely certain his fans no longer confuse him with Glenn Beck, he is re-releasing his hit “Loser” and dedicating it to Glenn Beck. Said a close friend, “Listen to the lyrics, man, it’s just so fuc*ing fitting you know? ‘Kill the headlights and put it in neutral, Stock car flamin’ with a loser and the cruise control. Soy un perdedor.’ So fuc*ing fitting.”

Las Vegas Odds Makers Taking Bets on the “N” Word

Las Vegas, NV – Taking a sharp turn away from sports betting, Las Vegas odds makers are said to be taking silent bets from some of the top businessmen and politicians in the country on who will be the first high-profile personality to come right out and call the President the “N” word publicly.

Al Betz, the first bookmaker to come up with the plan, said that bookies early on thought it would be over before it started while watching the debates on health care reform Sunday. Said Betz, “There were reports of some protesters outside Congress throwing out the “N” word at black Democrats, but none of them were really newsworthy people and none of them were specifically calling the President a Ni**er, so we disqualified them.

The bets are focused on really well-known personalities. Betz continued, “We honestly thought we had a winner about an hour after the health care reform bill was passed when Rush Limbaugh vowed to take the President and his people down. He came ‘this’ close,” motioned Betz with his index and thumb just barely touching, “but he moved away from it. We could almost see the “N” word form on his lips, but he pulled back just in time and all that came out of it was a gnarly snarl that erupted into the word Nazi and then more spewing of venom.”

Other frontrunners getting lots of action include hot-headed Sen. John Boehner (R-Ohio) and openly angry Rep. Randy Neugebauer (R-Texas) who couldn’t contain himself from shouting “baby killer” when Rep. Bart Stupak (D-Michigan) announced he was switching his health care reform vote to yes. These are the folks with deep-seated hatred who have let the heated rhetoric cause them to say audacious things without first engaging the brain. One bookmaker said he was just sorry that Jesse Helms was not in the running. “Hell, I think Helms would have shouted the “N” word first just to skew the odds,” he said with a chuckle.

An unusual politician getting a good portion of the action is none other than Harry Reid, who, earlier this year had Republicans up in arms when he referred to Obama as an articulate, light-skinned Negro. Although he apologized and said he meant his comments in the kindest way toward the President, the generational bias was palpable and some odds makers say that Reid may still let the “N” word slip, albeit not in a hateful way.

One other unusual contender getting quite a few votes is none other than Michael Steele, Republican National Committee Chairman, who is, himself, of African-American decent. In the case of Steele, a caveat has been added on any bets placed that say that he cannot win the bet if, when referring to Obama with the “N” word, he does it in a “brotherly” way such as referring to Obama’s ability to get the health care bill passed as something to the effect of “that is one bad-assed Ni**er what just got that bitch bill passed.”

Some other rules are that the “N” word can be uttered to a private group as long as there are enough witnesses to verify it being said, such as at a Town Hall Meeting, an RNC fundraiser, even a state or national championship BBQ contest as long as it is uttered by someone with clout.

However, the big money is focusing on a national television or radio broadcaster who uses the “N” word in context and vehemently live on the air. “That’s where the big bucks are gonna pay off,” said Hal Litzer, part-time bookie and president of the local NRA chapter.

As word of the bet becomes more widespread, there is the possibility that gamblers who have big money riding on it will call into shows such as that aired by Rush Limbaugh and Glenn Beck to try and elicit angry responses that will ultimately lead to a tirade where the “N” word is not only spoken, but spewed over and over and over again with no apologies whatsoever.

Fox in Talks with Glenn Beck to Develop Cartoon Show

In an effort to reel in kiddies as early as they are able to watch television, the Fox Channel has begun the process of developing a Saturday morning kids’ show featuring Glenn Beck, ala Dick Dastardly-style, complete with pencil-thin handlebar mustache. While not yet written in stone, the name of the show is expected to be “The Tommy Truth-tacular Hour.”

What some believe is dangerous about this creative project, however, is the message that will be getting to children at such an early age. Face it folks, Dick Dastardly was no Barney, and Glenn Beck’s close portrayal of the character, expected to be re-named “Tommy Truth,” won’t be singing “I Love You, You Love Me.”

Yet, Fox insists that this is a children’s show whose time has come. Beck has convinced Fox that there needs to be an alternative to the namby pamby drivel that turns our youth into liberal whiney butts. What Beck, or Truth in this case, will do is give it to the kids straight. “There are no handouts in real life,” he’ll tell them. “You are not born privileged. You have to work for everything you get, so get used to it kids,” will be another message on board for the young viewers. Speaking of boards, Truth will have his infamous whiteboard present on the show going through the alphabet like a trucker on speed.

“A is for Anti”

“B is for Big Government”

“C is for Concern for this Great Country of Ours”

“D is for Damage Done by the Democrats”

“E is for Everything Else” he can shake a stick at.

Yes, Fox is allowing Beck to go after that demographic that has yet to be tapped, the young, innocent minds that have not fully formed any political preconceptions and mold them into Mini-Mes who believe they have a patriotic duty to adhere to the “every man or woman for themselves” ideology. An idea, Beck believes, whose time has not only come but should be taught as early as possible to our youth.

Talks are also taking place with Sarah Palin to co-star with Beck in the reprisal of yet another character in the Wacky Races series, Penelope Pitstop. She will be known as “Priscilla Patriot” and will be expected to bring to the show a message of patriotism every week. Priscilla will give a goodly amount of advice on how to compete in life and lessons such as taking down an opponent isn’t necessarily a bad thing but what will get you ahead, even if you want to quit a few times along the way. She’ll have a jeweled wand and will wish for things that the kids write in for, such as money, a spot on the junior cheerleading squad, or other such important desires.

When Beck was asked why the character is based more on Dick Dastardly and not Dudley Do Right, he had this to say “Do Right was obviously a progressive, always helping someone out of trouble. His kind shows a spineless lack of self-preservation that Dastardly embraced in everything he did. Dastardly got them before they got him. That’s what I want the kids of today to know--they can’t be in charge if they are worried about someone else. The sooner they learn to be their own bosses, the sooner they’ll learn to be someone else’s boss as well.”

Although the theme of the show sounds undeniably serious, there will be plenty of laughs as Truth carries on in Beck’s clownish style, arms swinging wildly, eyes bulging and voice going from cackle to crack up in seconds. The show is expected to leave children rolling on the floor in laughter at the antics.

Fox has yet to cast the role of “Stripe, the All-American Dog,” Truth’s scruffy side-kick dog based on Muttley, but someone with a wheezing cough, say a smoker of cigars, may just fit that bill.

Fox is hoping to have the cartoon show up and running in time for the new fall television season, so keep your eyes peeled on Fox, where you’ll find the nuttiest entertainment around. 

Glenn Beck Credits Himself for Predicting Recent Wave of Violence

In one of his many “I told you so” moments, Glenn Beck has commented that he is the first one to tell his viewers that violence against the US government by fed up citizens was going to start to happen.

Boasting a 100% accuracy rate, Beck claimed that he is a hundred times better at predicting things than any psychic. “For years, I’ve been telling my viewers how fed up they are and how screwed they should feel, and now, after this past election, how I thought things were going to get ugly. I was right on the money,” he said.

Asked if perhaps the things he’s been saying may in some way be construed by his more mentally unbalanced viewers as a “call to action,” Beck replied, “Look, I just calls ‘em as I sees ‘em. I didn’t vote the Socialistic Party into power, but now that it’s there, I think it is my duty to make people aware of what their futures are turning out to be if they don’t do something about the government taking their money and using it any way they want. I only wake them up, I don’t put them behind the wheel of an airplane, so to speak.”

In fact, just recently Beck was quoted as saying “Get as far away from the revolutionaries as you can” just days after the angry taxpayer flew his plane into a Texas IRS office building. A bold move for a man who has been pounding the message home that Americans are asked to foot the tab for a bigger plate in Washington. Perhaps he didn’t think anyone would take a rodeo clown seriously enough to actually “act” on something he said. “When I said we had to take our country back from the evil progressive movement, I didn’t really say how. I let people figure that out on their own. After seeing some of this violence though, I guess people might need some guidance from me so I’m preparing a ‘Plan’ to take back America cause I sure as heck don’t want to take the blame for folks misconstruing my good intentions.”

And then, as Beck wiped a tear from his eye, he exclaimed “I just want what’s good for this country gosh darn it, and sometimes I get a little over-the-top in what I say, but I just want every one of my viewers to understand that no matter how riled up I get them, I don’t want them to hurt anyone, not really.”