Cheney Autobiography ‘Mein Kampf II’ Flies off Bookstore Shelves

Contributed by RFreed

Dick Cheney has finally completed his long awaited autobiography 'Mein Kampf II.' Eager fans of fascism have been gnawing their own limbs off and those of Barnes And Noble staff waiting for it to come out.

In the new book, Cheney describes in excruciating detail his steady rise to unlimited power along the well-worn trails of American power mongering. An excerpt from his early years is: "It took every bit of my creative talent and nerve to get out of the draft and not be sent over to Vietnam. It was sheer hell! No man should ever have to go through that. And I had to dodge it five times!"

Despite this ordeal, Cheney proved his mettle by going on to become the Secretary Of Defense, the head of the U.S. military responsible for sending thousands of other Americans off to fight. But no price was too much to keep the oil flowing and thereby his moolah as well.

Before launching into his political career, Cheney describes the difficulties of raising children, albeit daughters, in our modern world. "I screwed a whole nation, but ended up with only daughters,” says Cheney. “Thankfully, whether I want to admit it or not, one of those daughters had the audacity to buck societal trends and give her dear old dad the son he never had.”

On the hardships of learning the political craft, Cheney says, "Nixon was an expert at the underhanded move, the political side-swipe. Unfortunately he was a lousy teacher, and I had to learn a lot of it on my own. Much of his lore will be lost forever due to that lack of talent."

And, on the difficulties of holding office, he writes "It is so demanding having to be Vice-President and a day-care attendant at the same time. I barely had enough time in a day to set up my Haliburton contracts. I lost a majority of my cut having to wet nurse Georgy W all the damn time."

Cheney goes on to write about the teddy bear qualities that endeared him to the hearts and minds of so many. "I personally delivered the keys to the jet bombers we brought over covertly to Al-Babra for the coup to set up his country as one friendly to ours. I will never forget the tears of gratitude that stained his cheeks, or the cool 30 million that ended up making from it."

Lastly, he writes of his regrets about helping to start the Iraqi war that took so many lives on both sides, "Man, I only made 15 million from the whole scheme! To my way of thinking, we could have made so much more just destroying and rebuilding Iraq’s infrastructure alone. It was a total waste of my talents."

Herman Cain Story Most Readers Would Like to Read

With all the stories circulating about Herman Cain’s past sexual harassment charges, it seems everyone is jumping on the bandwagon to either assist him in proving or disproving the stories. While Cain sits high upon the fence, not yet ready to admit to any wrongdoing, speculators are coming up with some even wilder stories to make sure Cain doesn’t leave the political spotlight anytime soon. Here are some stories readers say they would pay good money to read:

Skeletons in Herman Cain’s Closet Have Boobs

Clarence Thomas Tells Herman Cain to Keep Hands off His Wife

Rick Perry Tells Herman Cain to Keep Hands off His Wife

Herman Cain Claims Black Hat is Source of All his Recent Troubles, Trades it in For White Hat

Herman Cain Takes Credit for Making Three Black Women Wealthier than When They First Met Him

Al Gore Tells Herman Cain to Stay Away from the Massage Table

Bill Clinton Tells Herman Cain to Stay Away from Cigars

John Edwards Tells Herman Cain to Lay Low, Preferably Under a Blonde

Herman Cain Claims Sex Had Nothing to do With His Sexually Harassing Those Women

Rumors Regarding Cain’s Viagra Usage Started by Georgia Pharmacist Turn Out to be False. Cain Only Admits to Using Enzyte.

Herman Cain Says Invite to lunch with Karl Rove and Dick Cheney Must Have Gotten Lost in the Mail

While none of the stories have been corroborated, it is fair to say that at least half or more of them will be given to research assistants in the next few days to determine if any have merit. Meanwhile, this writer would be glad to develop any one of the stories if asked.

Dick Cheney Goes After Santa Claus Next

Dick Cheney claims his new book In My Time is accomplishing exactly what he set out to accomplish, shattering dreams of an idyllic America and pissing people off. “This is a war zone people, and the sooner you get it into your thick heads, the better,” said Cheney at a recent book signing at the local Army Navy Surplus Store in downtown Des Moines, Iowa.

Cheney has received quite a bit of criticism lately from people in his book such as Condoleezza Rice and Gen. Colin Powell for what they consider outright lies about his tenure as Vice President of the United States.

Dressed in fatigues and looking quite a bit more robust than in recent memory, Cheney gave the small crowd gathered a dressing down for not understanding the importance of killing everyone in our path who does not adhere to our strict democratic doctrines.

“We’ve become a nation of ‘givers,’” said Cheney. “Don’t you know that the more you give, the more you create a dependency on yourself?” Cheney said Santa Claus was a good example of a bad example in this regard.

“I don’t know who came up with the idea of some stranger breaking into our homes and leaving stuff behind for kids without them having to work for it, but whoever it was is an idiot,” he proclaimed. “My kids didn’t get Christmas presents and neither do my grandkids. Instead, I wake them up on Christmas morning and make them watch war movies for 12 hours,” said Cheney. “Just ask my grandkids and they can recite the lines from any one of Charlton Heston’s films. Now that guy is a hero and he doesn’t need a belly like a bowlful of jelly to get my respect.”

District Judge Blocks President’s Moratorium on Oil Drilling after Hunting Invite from Cheney

Federal District Judge Martin Feldman took immediate measures to block the 6-month moratorium President Obama placed on new deepwater drilling projects due to the ongoing disaster in the Gulf of Mexico. Most people were curious as to why this Judge would make such a ruling in light of the testimony thus far from workers on the Horizon oil platform that indicate that BP didn’t take proper measures to ensure the safety of its workers.

Most people would agree that until the details of this accident are sorted out, it would be wise to not start up any more drills along America’s coasts. So why would Judge Feldman make such a ruling?

Telephone records from the Judge’s office indicate several phone calls from former Vice President Dick Cheney, as well as a hand-engraved invitation to go quail hunting in Texas within the next couple of weeks. Said Feldman’s Judicial Assistant, “Judge Feldman really likes to go quail hunting, but he knows as well as anyone, when you get an invitation to go quail hunting with Dick Cheney, it’s not really about bagging quail.”

Dick Cheney Has Oil on Hands in Oil Spill Mess

“Oh what an oily mess we make when kickbacks from Halliburton we do take,” should have screamed the headlines in this morning’s newspapers across the land. But alas, it was not to be. Instead, the only media outlets to pick up on the story of Halliburton’s very real involvement in the construction, and ultimate destruction, of the oil platform owned by British Petroleum were the liberal news outlets. And we know what that means…liberals are always looking for a way to bring down Dick Cheney.

“It’s old news,” claimed Cheney himself as he stepped out on his lawn to shoo liberal reporters away who had gathered overnight outside his home—a home they say that was partially paid for by big oil.

One reporter, bold enough to get within spitting distance of Cheney asked “is it true, Mr. Cheney that just before taking office as Vice President of the United States, you were the CEO of Halliburton and upon leaving them were given a $34 million dollar severance package, along with almost that much more in stock options?”

Cheney just waved his arm in a sweeping motion inviting the camera crews to pan his home and smiled.

Another reporter took his cue, “and is it not true, Mr. Cheney that once in office, you held private meetings with oil executives at the White House without allowing the press inside those meetings?”

Still smiling, Cheney called for his maid to bring him his morning coffee, but making it painfully obvious that he was in no mood to offer coffee to his inquisitors.

“And, sir,” the reporter continued, “did you not, upon taking power in office, appoint former Halliburton associates to regulatory positions overseeing the oil industry standards which ultimately led to their recommendations that the oil companies were not required to install certain switches which would have most likely prevented the massive explosion in the present case but were deemed too costly?”

Cheney thought for a moment, and smiled.

And finally, Cheney was asked, “isn’t it true sir that finally, after all these years of trying to catch you red-handed with the necessary facts to bring you up on charges of crimes committed while you held the office of Vice President, you aren’t just a tad frightened by the liberal press standing before you today?”

Cheney, seemingly unfazed and even a bit charming in front of the cameras, smiled to the reporters and simply said “Hey guys, and gals, I’m going hunting this afternoon and I’d love for you all to come along as my guests.”

Bush/Cheney 2012 – The Next Generation

Dick Cheney is said to be planning a not-so-surprise comeback for the 2012 presidential election and he’s doing it this time vicariously through his daughter, Liz Cheney. Due to his dissatisfaction with the way the conservative party has so far been running (or not running) things, Cheney has again decided that the only way to get things back on track is to re-infuse some pure Cheney/Bush blood into the race.

Although Dick feels that he and George W. Bush were perhaps the most ideally paired Presidential team since, well, ever, and there will never be another like them, which we certainly can’t argue with; and, as much as he would like to take the reins himself, he’s just not that sure about his health and that is ultimately what is keeping him from running.

Yes, the die-hard, irrepressible Mr. Cheney has a new plan of action that he’s working on worming into the Republican psyche little by little. We’re talking about the plan to offer up his daughter, Liz Cheney, to run as Vice President to Jeb Bush’s run for President. Can’t you just feel that Dick genius starting to move the masses again?

While Dick is trotting Liz Cheney out to every conservative gathering hosted by everyone from the NRA to the Republican Party itself, Daddy George H.W. Bush, at Dick’s command, is pushing Jeb onto the cable news shows with a full schedule of the old fake-out “no, nope, I’m not running,” so that when the time comes, conservatives everywhere will be begging him to run.

There may be a couple of things that could nip this pairing in the bud before it even happens, though. Word has it that Jeb and Liz aren’t that fond of one other ever since they got in each other’s face way back when at a Kennebunkport gathering, when Jeb, quite a bit older than Liz, told her to “quit following me around like a puppy dog.” “Since then, they find it difficult to be in the same room together, let alone even consider a presidential pairing,” claims an unidentified source.

So how, then, do Dick and H.W. plan on pulling off this shotgun presidential campaign? Some say Dick has his ways. “He’s not above torture, if that’s what it takes to make those kids see how important this is for the country,” said the same source, wishing with all his heart not to be identified.

While he may not sink so low as to waterboard his own daughter, which she would totally approve of, by the way, he could threaten her and Jeb by other means. Suffice it to say, he has the mindset and the wherewithal to get the job done.

Liz Cheney Calls Rachel Maddow “Hot”

This week the Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC) got underway in Washington, DC and there were no real surprises in front of the cameras, save for that magical moment when Dick Cheney appeared out of nowhere to chants of “Run, Dick, Run.”

But behind the cameras, there was pawlenty going on. MSNBC’s Rachel Maddow was on hand to cover the conference and word has it that when she and Liz Cheney were introduced outside the hotel they were both staying in, they unexpectedly embraced for what some say was more than just a polite “how do you do.”

After Maddow and friends moved on, Cheney was rumored to have said “Wow, that Rachel Maddow is really hot in person. If I were my sister, I may not have been able to control myself.” Liz, of course, was speaking about her sister, Mary, who is openly gay.

When told about Cheney’s comment, Maddow reportedly replied, “wow, really? Liz? Liz Cheney? Gosh, I don’t know whether to be flattered by that or extremely repulsed.”

Toilet Paper Nation (TPN)--Youngest Grassroots Party to Take on Washington

Butte, MT – A new right-wing fringe political party calling itself the Toilet Paper Nation or (TPN) is the latest and youngest grassroots movement to go after what they believe is a Washington that is out of touch with the youth of America.  The party, made up of mostly high school sophomores, has a simple message for Washington’s business as usual, “Washington, Sh*t or Get off the Pot.”

In an interview today on the Jeff Gray Morning Show on Butte radio station KMBR, Toilet Paper Nation organizer, Hugh R. Cuttinem, 17, explained why he and fellow Toilet Paperer, Nadine Gullberry, decided to start the Toilet Paper Nation. “About a year ago, a few of us Tea Party (TP) teenagers got together after attending a Tea Party rally with our folks, and started shooting the sh*t about how sick and tired we were of Washington flushing our parents’ tax dollars down the toilet, so to speak. We realized how the Tea Party just wasn’t well, our cup of tea. There were too many irregularities in what they stood for. That’s when Nadine said, ‘You know, every time I see TPN, I think Toilet Paper Nation, not Tea Party Nation. From then on, the puns started flowing and what originally started as a joke just gained momentum. We got back to school on Monday and told a few friends and by the end of the day, we had TP delegates in 14 states thanks to Twitter and Facebook. We now have delegates in just about every state.

Cuttinem claims that they are already looking at backing a couple of candidates who are thinking of running in this year’s state races and thinks they have a chance mainly due to their high moral fiber. The teens have been contacted by Joe the Plumber, who has indicated a real willingness to join the TP movement and run for office in Ohio. Just this past weekend, Joe gave a short statement to the press about his disenchantment with the Republican Party and John McCain in particular. He was quoted as saying “McCain was just using me as the face of middle America. He lied to me and he lied to America. I don’t owe him sh*t.” Said Cuttinem, “You see? Joe’s already using the lingo. He’s gonna be a great asset to our movement.”

Gullberry couldn’t agree with Joe more. “We’re the right party for him because we are flush with young, new ideas to turn this country around. We are all about the constitution, and Joe would make a perfect Senator. Just because we are sophomores in high school, doesn’t mean we can’t get involved in the electoral process. In fact, some of our classmates really like the idea. Instead of calling us nerds, we are now known around the country as ‘terds,’” she said proudly, "and soon, hopefully, Joe the Plumber is gonna be the biggest terd of all in Ohio.”

The only problem the group foresees right now is who their #1 and #2 candidates in the 2012 Presidential election should be. Cuttinem says that the old farts, like Dick Cheney, need not apply. “We’re looking more toward Glenn Beck as a possibility for the #1 terd spot, and there is a another guy who we have our eye on by the name of William M. ‘B.M.’ Daley, nephew of Chicago’s Mayor Daley, who is as fed up as us with the two-party system and is chomping at the bit to break from his family’s Democratic roots and run in a grassroots capacity for the Senate seat left vacant by Barack Obama and presently held by Roland Burris, who won’t be running for re-election.”

Grey asked Cuttinem if all the “toilet humor” will wear a bit thin toward election time, ruining their chances of being taken seriously. Cuttinem replied, “[N]ope, young voters relate really well to us and at the same time, we’re being taken just as serious as everyone else who wants to do their business in Washington. The double entendre will serve us well in the upcoming races. It is what people remember about us, and in politics, that’s the only way to roll when building a strong movement.”

2003 Photo of Cheney May Explain Plame ID Outing

Since 2003, many groups have claimed that Dick Cheney was the person at the forefront of leaking the name of CIA agent Valerie Plame to the media, thereby blowing her cover and forcing her to end a long and successful career with the CIA. Although Cheney denies this claim, a recently surfaced photo may explain Cheney’s inability to recall certain events leading up to the outing of Plame’s name.

The FBI interviewed Cheney in 2004 regarding his involvement in the matter. After filing a lawsuit to get the FBI interview summary released, the watchdog group, Citizens for Responsibility and Ethics in Washington, has finally received a copy of the summary in which it is revealed that Cheney’s memory was sketchy, at best, on whether he discussed Valerie Plame with his Chief of Staff, Scooter Libby, who ultimately was charged with leaking Plame’s name to political columnist, Robert Novak. Cheney could also not remember whether or not he discussed Plame or her husband, Joe Wilson, with Bush.

A recent photo of Cheney, Circa 2003, has surfaced showing Cheney wearing mismatched shoes. According to Dr. Leu Singha Grip, an expert in the study of dementia in senior citizens, this quite possibly could indicate that Cheney is suffering from early onset dementia which may be affecting his memory. Dr. Grip believes that Cheney may very well believe he was telling the truth when he said he did not recall if he told Libby about Wilson’s wife and her employment at the CIA.

Although, in reality, during Libby’s criminal trial, evidence was submitted that showed Cheney did tell Libby about Wilson’s wife in 2003; the fact that Cheney could say one thing one day and turn around and say something completely opposite another day is a pretty clear sign that some form of memory loss may exist.

Cheney’s wife, Lynn, confirmed the fact that Cheney’s memory has been slipping for the past decade. “Yes, it’s become a real problem in the Cheney household,” she said. That mismatched shoe photo is just the tip of the iceberg. It started simply enough with him forgetting where he put the keys to the car, to not remembering to pick up eggs and butter from the grocery store on his way home from the Oval office. But it has gotten progressively worse.

“Especially in the bedroom, while holding me at night” Lynn continued, “he sometimes calls me by another woman’s name. It's getting to be so common that we just laugh when he calls me ‘Destiny’ or ‘Roxy’.

She said that it happens most though when Dick is reading the newspaper in the morning over coffee and starts a sentence and then just forgets what he was going to say. “We call them brain farts and these days, Dick is having lots of brain farts.” She said smiling. “It’s just a part of getting old, I guess.”

Dr. Grip agrees that Cheney's brain farts could explain a lot.