Florida Lemur Mistakenly Placed on Ballot as Libertarian Candidate

Florida election officials in the small town of Myakka City are scratching their heads over the apparent practical joke being played on them that now has them in a quandary as to how to remedy the situation. A lemur known as Mister E. Mann is listed on the local ballot as the Libertarian candidate running for City Commissioner.

Myakka City is home to an actual lemur sanctuary, and Mister E. Mann has been a resident there since his birth. “Someone is having a little fun,” claims local elections official Blenda Parks, “and we’re sure we can get this straightened out before Election Day, but if we can’t, we may have to let the voters decide if they want some of their important decisions made by a lemur.” Parks claims that had the error been caught as it was being made, there’d be no problem, but since no one checked twice, the name got on there and it’s twice as hard removing a candidate’s name as it is to submit it.

“Whoever done it, had no problem coming up with the $2,000 fee to register Mister E. Mann as a Libertarian candidate,” said Parks. “Why anyone would want to do it is beyond me, but if you knew our quirky little group of townsfolk, you’d understand.”

Most people believe the culprit is none other than a guy who goes by the name of “Gator” who is a known practical joker. “First and foremost, he’s always trying to pull something on someone,” said “Otter,” another long-time resident of Myakka City. “He may be a practical joker, but he is dead serious about his politics and being a Republican, he’s gonna pull out all the stops to see that the Libertarian party is stopped before they get any candidates elected.”

When Otter was asked if he thinks Gator’s plan might backfire and end up allowing a Democrat to sit on the City Commission, Otter said “oh hell no, there ain’t but one Democrat in this entire city and believe me, even he knows better than to vote straight ticket.”

Succession and Secession Causing Palin Major Confusion

Sarah Palin speaking a few weeks ago at a rally for Rick Perry referred to news about Texans wanting to secede from the union, and said “…they got that wrong. Texas today, I don't think they're seceding, they are succeeding….”

Upon hearing of this, Debra Medina, the Tea Party candidate for Governor of Texas, called Palin to offer her services as a mentor on the differences between succession and secession, both terms being bandied about lately by the Tea Party movement and obviously causing Palin some confusion. In addition, Medina wanted to set Sarah straight on her (Medina’s) plans for Texas not to secede but instead restore sovereignty, a concept that may be foreign to Palin. We can only wonder how the lessons are going:

Deb: Ok, Sarah, here’s the first word. Succession, with two “c’s” and two “esses.”

Sarah: Oh, you mean like in success in running for office.

Deb: Well, sure, it could mean that, but we’re talking about another success, success-shun.

Sarah: I hate to tell ya Deb, but I’m not one to run from success.

Deb: Sarah, please, dear, focus. Now, for purposes of our lesson, the use of the word succession is improper. Nevertheless, lots of people in the Tea Party movement are using it to describe their desire to secede from the union, much like the idea you and Todd toyed with in Alaska. In actuality, the correct word is Secession, with an “e” not a “u.”

Sarah: What do you mean, Deb, I can’t be a part of it?

Deb: What?

Sarah: You said with an “e” but not a “you.”

Deb: Oh for heaven’s sake, Sarah, I said “u” not “you.”

Sarah: Well, if not me, then who?

Deb: Forget succession. It doesn’t matter anyway. Let’s talk about secession.

Sarah: I had those with all my kids.

Deb: What?

Sarah: C-Sections, way better than natural childbirth, I can tell ya that.

Deb: You have got to be kidding me.

Sarah: Do you mean “u” or “you” as in me?

[Deb gets up to leave.]

Sarah: Wait, Deb, where are you going? Aren’t we going to discuss your wanting to become Queen of Texas?

Deb (over her shoulder): What?

Sarah: Sovereignty. You said you were also going to give me a lesson on sovereignty.

Paliens Infiltrate Sarah Palin’s Events with Little Notice

Little is known about the group calling itself “Paliens” but sources have indicated that they are a group of clairvoyants who are secretly infiltrating Sarah Palin events and using their supernatural powers to alter the intelligence of Palin herself. It is believed that the Paliens are part of a larger, more universal group that goes by the name of “Libertaliens.”

So highly evolved are the Paliens’ thought patterns that they are able to not only sneak past security at all of Palin’s speaking engagements around the world, but they are also able to send silent signals to Palin, herself, willing her to misspeak and create controversy in order to singlehandedly bring down the Republican Party and cause a new, more powerful political party to rise up, driven by those intent on taking their country back from the existing government.

Some say that this is becoming a reality as the party whose beliefs and ideology most closely resembles this vision, the Libertarians, are becoming increasingly stronger on the political scene, managing to snap up the many inconsequential political posts in small-town elections, such as comptrollers, commissioners, and court clerks, with the belief that these posts will lead them to control the towns as constables and mayors, and eventually lead to one of the strongest candidates becoming President of the United States.

Disguising themselves in the colors of the aurora borealis, Paliens appear to be like anyone else in attendance at the various Palin book signing events and other Palin speaking engagements, and in fact, may look strikingly similar to your friends or neighbors. But upon closer look, you notice the glazed look in their eyes and the fervent nature of their speech which are both supposedly dead giveaways.

No one yet has had the courage to ask the person next to them if they are, in fact a Palien because of the powerful dread that overcomes them when seated next to one. “I swear I was sitting next to a Palien over in Point Lookout, MO when Sarah Palin spoke at the College of the Ozarks.” The reason I think this is because the man kept referring to Sarah as the great ‘Miss Communicator’ and when I corrected him to say that Sarah did not miscommunicate anything, he replied ‘no, I mean Miss Communicator’ as in ‘Miss Missouri’, ‘Miss America’, indeed ‘Miss Universe.’ He said it just like that. It was eerie. I started to believe everything he and Sarah Palin said with such conviction.”

So why Sarah Palin and why now? The only conclusion we can come up with is that ever since the Libertalien sub-group known as the “Qualiens” botched its attempt to bring down the Republican Party during George H.W. Bush’s campaign for President in 1988, by dumbing down the responses made by Dan Quayle at various media events, the Libertaliens have been looking for another candidate capable of carrying out their vision of putting a Libertalien in the White House.

The Paliens have come back stronger this time as is evident in the way that the Republican Party is trying to distance itself from Sarah Palin, but at the same time, many conservative politicians are drawn to her when seeking endorsements for upcoming senate races. Many of these conservative politicians have secretly mentioned a repulsion they have for knowing that they must ask Palin for her endorsement. For instance, Rep. Mark Kirk (R-IL) (no relation to Star Trek’s Captain James T. Kirk that we know of), in November of 2009, felt an overwhelming urge to ask for Sarah Palin’s endorsement for his upcoming senate run in 2010.

It is supposedly believed by the Paliens that the more conservative political careers Palin can destroy, the more Libertarian-like candidates can step up to the plate and actually attempt a take-back of the United States government. In fact, it is possible that the very person these Paliens are channeling through, Sarah Palin, may be their ultimate choice to rule their new Republic come 2012, as it is becoming increasingly evident that Miss Communicator is starting to believe the rhetoric the Paliens are willing her to recite.