How Grover Norquist Stole Christmas

Now the middle of classes were middler than most

They had oodles of things on which they could boast.

They had cars, and houses, and TVs and more

They were boasting and boasting of goodies galore.

Til one day the bottom all dropped out from under

The middle of classes was torn quite asunder.

The greed of the 1% people with money

Decided to steal all the milk and the honey.

There’d be no Christmas at least for the middle

Their savings had dried up to less than a piddle.

No tea set for Susie, no train set for Bill,

No help for their parents from Capitol Hill.

A man with a tax plan who called himself Grover

Determined the American Dream was now over.

From now on he’d fight for only the wealthy

The richest of rich and the healthiest of healthy.

No tax for the millionaires claimed Grover’s pledge

We’ll push all the Middlers straight up to the edge.

I promise you, promise you, promise you all

If you sign on the line, working people will fall.

They’ll all lose their jobs, they’ll go hungry and then

If they dare try to make it, we’ll push them again.

Their paydays will dwindle, they’ll beg for our mercy

Especially the ones who were born in New Jersey.

Wisconsans, Ohioans all wanting to bargain

We’ll teach them new words in our greediness jargon.

Down with new taxes and up with bank fees

We’ll squeeze and we’ll squeeze and we’ll squeeze till they wheeze.

And then Grover laughed, yes he laughed till he cried

He looked in the camera with a face full of snide.

I told you I’d do it, I told you I could

Put all of those lawmakers up to no good.

This Christmas will only be happy for some

The very tip tippy top tippy top ones.

He finished his tirade with one last remark

Get rid of those hippies in Zucotti Park.

Late Night Hosts Call Moratorium on Jokes about Occupy Wall Street

Last week on the David Letterman show, the silence about Occupy Wall Street was palpable. “It’s not funny, folks,” said Letterman about a subject he says is taboo in his circles. “We aren’t gonna joke around about this, it just wouldn’t be right,” and then launched into the top ten things John Zuccotti is also namesake of. Number one…John Zuccotti, Jr.

Craig Ferguson took the same tact. In fact, at one point in his show on Thursday, he abruptly stopped talking to his sidekick Geoff after the robot skeleton made a snide remark about tents. “We’ll be havin’ none of this, Mr. Smarty Pants,” Ferguson shouted to the robot before having his stage hands take the little guy away. The audience could hear him yelling back “In your pants, in your pants,” as he was being hauled off stage.

In a particularly brazen move, Jimmy Fallon, while agreeing to not talk trash about Occupy Wall Street, actually brought a tent on stage and performed his entire show from the inside of the tent. “While it was a novel approach,” said a protester outside in the cold, “we have to wonder if (a) he even feels our pain, or (2) how he’d survive in the cold out here with us without his cute little pup tent.” Fallon later apologized and claims his people didn’t read the fine print of the proposed moratorium and blamed his writers for the inability to be serious just this one time.

All in all, the moratorium so far has been a success, but trying to reel in Stephen Colbert has been challenging. “Look folks, I’m the best in the business and I didn’t get to be top banana by waxing empathetic and joining some stupid moratorium. Seriously, would you honestly want me to cut back on a story that has more punch lines than a senior citizens’ get together? I don’t think so.”

While those working for Colbert have been doing their best to school him on just how insensitive he can come across by making fun of a movement that is fighting to bring equality to the masses, it doesn’t seem to be changing Colbert’s mind in the least. “I get it,” says Colbert. “But look at it this way, if it weren’t for humor, those folks who are losing their jobs and their houses would really be screwed.”

In fact, while getting ready for a show next week, strains of a popular song from a skit Colbert was developing …“I’m a pepper, you’re a pepper, he’s a pepper, we’re a pepper, wouldn’t you like to spray some pepper too, be a pepper,” could be heard emanating from Colbert’s dressing room. “I’m sorry,” he said, “but honestly, I’m just trying to do my job here, folks.”

Michael Moore Claims the Rich May Have It but They Still Don’t Get It

The Occupy Wall Street Movement is confusing the hell out of most of the wealthiest citizens of the world. While they have more than enough money to hire someone to figure it out for them, they instead try and figure the whole thing out on their own. This leads to some major confusion when it comes to explaining to their kids just why they are so despised these days.

“It’s because we have all the money and we like to spend it,” said one father via Skype to his son who was an ocean away at prep school. His son had simply asked his father when he thought he might visit him as it had been over four months since their last meet up.

“They’re confused,” claims Harvard Economics Professor Wendell Dowdy. “They think their lifestyles as a whole are being attacked, when in fact, it is the way they make and hoard their fortunes that is getting them into trouble.” Dowdy claims 89% of the 1% who control the majority of the world’s wealth don’t have a clue when it comes to personal relationships, except maybe with their private accountants.

That is why they are now going after Michael Moore, a man who has entered into the world of the wealthy but refuses to enjoy the trappings of his success as he should. “It is just so abnormal,” claims Clive Van der Hoofenhoffen of Manhattan. “This guy has made it into our world and now he doesn’t want to accept his lot in life. He’d rather be out there in his disgusting hoodie and ball cap chanting with the Occupy Oakland riff raff.” Van der Hoofenhoffen claims that if Moore isn’t careful, he’ll lose his social standing with the wealthy.

Meanwhile, Moore says trying to explain his wealth to the wealthy is like trying to tell a baseball card collector he could care less about owning a Roger Maris card, while possessing at least three of them in his collection. “They have it, they can even buy it if they want, but they just don’t get it.”

New Poll Shows That 99% of Americans Think Glenn Beck is Nuts

The National Opinion Research Center has just published the results of last week’s tracking poll which indicates that a solid 99% of Americans think that radio talk show host Glenn Beck is nuts.

The poll results were broadcast mere minutes after Beck warned capitalists on his radio show to beware of the Occupy Wall Street movement.

“Capitalists, if you think that you can play footsies with these people, you're wrong. They will come for you and drag you into the streets and kill you...” said Beck on Monday.

Keith Martin, an employee at NORC who was in charge of accumulating the votes said that they weren’t expecting the push back on Beck to be so high, seeing as that 99% included people who regularly listen to his radio broadcast.

“All we can conclude is that in America today,” said Martin, “people like Glenn Beck are expected to be crazy, to say and do the outlandish to make money, so that when it comes time to vote in a poll on whether or not the guy is nuts, they are saying yes in a positive way.”

Still, Martin wanted to make a point that those following Beck now only accounts for .000041 percent of the actual polling figures and therefore, those who think he is truly nuts is still at a solid 99%, and half of those polled believe Beck is dangerous and capable of carrying out a few killings of his own.

As Beck’s former employees would say “the dribble is on his bib,” referring to the fact that Beck now needs to wear a dribble bib to catch the flow of sputum streaming down his chin as he gets worked up talking about those 99ers out there pushing for change in America. Several psychiatrists have confirmed that this is one of the very first signs that a man is going completely mad.

Koch Brothers Trying to Infiltrate Occupy America Movement

Some members of Occupy Wall Street, the precursor for the Occupy America Movement have reported being approached by employees of the Koch Brothers and offered everything from vegan muffins to cold hard cash if they would turn the peaceful protests into shouting matches.

Sunshine Delaney, a 23-year old protester from Long Island claims that she was approached by a young, long-haired guy while she was taking a break from marching along Wall Street with her friend, Bobby McGee.

“Yeah, so this guy comes up to me, and he’s like, ‘want a vegan muffin?’ and I was like, ‘are you sure they’re vegan? And he’s like ‘yeah, I’m pretty sure they are, at least that’s what the guy at Whole Foods told me,’ and I was like ‘well, sure, I guess, thanks, man.’”

Delaney says the man then started asking her rhetorical questions like “wouldn’t it be weird if you found out that this whole movement was being fronted by George Soros?” and “do you really know who is organizing these events?” She claims she started to get really paranoid and asked several of her fellow occupiers these same questions.

Fortunately, one of the organizers of the event, Dave Barry, was able to put Delaney’s mind at ease when he talked her down from the bad vibes the guy was spreading.

“Look, Sunshine,” said Dave, “there’s been some bad shit going around this protest. Some guys are passing out fake vegan muffins, free tents and sleeping bags, even ten dollar bills in exchange for a little dissident talk. We’re pretty sure the Koch Brothers are behind it.”

Barry says he can’t prove it, of course, but he says all you have to do is look at how easily the Tea Party was bought and how quickly that movement turned totally establishment.

“We’re printing up warning pamphlets as we speak,” said Barry. “Anyone who offers you a wad of cash to change your views, well, no matter how much you need the bread man, tell ‘em to take a hike. This movement can’t be bought.”