Texas Governor Rick Perry Loses Governor’s Mansion in Poker Game

Police in Austin, Texas were called to the Governor’s Mansion downtown in response to a call-in report that a strange man appeared to be living in the dwelling amidst the chaos of reconstruction. Upon entry, police officers found Henry Waldrep asleep on a small cot in the grand ballroom. Alongside Waldrep, they found a small crate with a makeshift cook stove on top and empty McDonald’s wrappers and several empty beer bottles littering the floor.

Police immediately arrested Waldrep for criminal trespass and were in the process of patting him down and handcuffing him when Waldrep told the officer he won the mansion in a game of poker with Governor Rick Perry.

To prove his innocence, Waldrep produced a set of keys to the mansion and a crumpled cocktail napkin from the Golden Nugget Casino in Las Vegas that carried a hand-written note honoring Rick Perry’s bet of the mansion in a poker game. Officers then called the Mayor’s office to determine what to do and it is then that they found out that Waldrep was indeed telling the truth.

A close aide to the Mayor confirmed that Perry informed them of the loss when he returned from Vegas in late June. “ Evidently, Governor Perry was a little down on his luck while playing in the No Limit Hold ‘em tournament at the Golden Nugget. With nothing else to throw in the pot, he decided that he’d bet the mansion. We had no idea the guy would take the bet seriously and actually move into the mansion.”

The aide, who declined to identify herself, told officers to let the man stay until the matter could be legally sorted out. Texas, unlike other states, has a law on the books that says when a poker bet is made, no matter how ridiculous, the bet is honored. There is a legal question, however, as to who is the rightful owner of the Governor’s Mansion.

Officers had no choice but to release Waldrep and let him stay in what appeared to be his official residence until the Texas Attorney General could investigate the matter.

The Governor’s Mansion was set ablaze in 2008 causing serious damage throughout the dwelling. It has been under renovation ever since. Perry and his family are currently residing in a leased home in West Austin and could not be reached for comment.

Asked if the smoke smell didn’t bother him, Waldrep replied, “Heck no. I’ve been living in a little teardrop trailer in the Nevada desert now for 3 years. A little smoke smell sure as hell ain’t gonna kill me.”

One Millionth Elvis Impersonator Honored in Las Vegas

Las Vegas, NV– This week marked a milestone in Las Vegas as one lucky lad had the great fortune of becoming the one millionth person to get his own show in Vegas as an Elvis impersonator. Gruud MacPhereson, or Mac as he’s known--an out-of-work whiskey kegger from Glasgow--couldn’t believe it when told the news by the owner of the Grand Golden Jackpot Hotel, Casino and All-You-Can-Eat IncrediBuffet.

“Actually,” said MacPhereson, “I wasn’t pure lookin' tae bide in Vegas mair than a coople ay days, when a bodie spotted me blooter'd oan th' stage in th' middle ay th' nicht singin' mah rendition ay hoonddog an' said ah was a deid ringer fur Elvis. Noo I’m daein' mah ain shaw an' everythin'. It’s a dream cam trew.”

[Translation: Ackshelly, I waddna rally lookin’ ta stay in Vegas more en a coopla days, when someone spotted me drunk onna stage in th’ middle a th’ neit singin’ ma rendition of Hoondog en said eye was a dead ringer fer Elvis. Now I’m in ma own show an evre’thing. It’s a dream cam trew.]

Sponsors of the “Never Too Many Elvis Impersonators” contest claim that MacPhereson is about the closest thing to Elvis they’ve seen so far, and also one of the most entertaining, both sober and drunk. The only thing that sets him apart is his red hair. MacPhereson is standing firm on that.

“Eye ain’t gonna dye ma hair black fer no one,” said Mac.

MacPhereson really stands out, nevertheless in his white, rhinestone-studded sleeveless t-shirt and plaid kilt. Also, he is the only Elvis Impersonator who is accompanied by a bagpipe.

“You’ll not hear a more stirrin’ rendition of ‘Love Me Tender’ than when Mac sings it with the bagpipe in the background,” said one of MacPhereson’s loyal fans.

Most people are under the impression that Elvis impersonators are from the United States, particularly southern states such as Tennessee, Georgia, and Alabama, but in reality, about a third of the now million impersonators come from foreign countries.

“We once had a fellow from Turkey whose stage name was Ahmed Pressley. What a hoot. You couldn’t understand a word he said, but when he started singing like Elvis, man you could close your eyes and think the king was right there on stage. Ahmed always closed his shows with ‘Tank you veddy much, my friend.’ He was one of our all-time favorites and a very polite person as well,” said Eddie Spiggetti, General Manager of the Grand Golden.

MacPhereson hasn’t said how long he plans on staying in Vegas now that he’s won the award, but his friends say he’s not in that much of a hurry to get back to Scotland. Ironically, his wife left him because she couldn’t take another Elvis song.

Her loss, Vegas’ gain.

Las Vegas Odds Makers Taking Bets on the “N” Word

Las Vegas, NV – Taking a sharp turn away from sports betting, Las Vegas odds makers are said to be taking silent bets from some of the top businessmen and politicians in the country on who will be the first high-profile personality to come right out and call the President the “N” word publicly.

Al Betz, the first bookmaker to come up with the plan, said that bookies early on thought it would be over before it started while watching the debates on health care reform Sunday. Said Betz, “There were reports of some protesters outside Congress throwing out the “N” word at black Democrats, but none of them were really newsworthy people and none of them were specifically calling the President a Ni**er, so we disqualified them.

The bets are focused on really well-known personalities. Betz continued, “We honestly thought we had a winner about an hour after the health care reform bill was passed when Rush Limbaugh vowed to take the President and his people down. He came ‘this’ close,” motioned Betz with his index and thumb just barely touching, “but he moved away from it. We could almost see the “N” word form on his lips, but he pulled back just in time and all that came out of it was a gnarly snarl that erupted into the word Nazi and then more spewing of venom.”

Other frontrunners getting lots of action include hot-headed Sen. John Boehner (R-Ohio) and openly angry Rep. Randy Neugebauer (R-Texas) who couldn’t contain himself from shouting “baby killer” when Rep. Bart Stupak (D-Michigan) announced he was switching his health care reform vote to yes. These are the folks with deep-seated hatred who have let the heated rhetoric cause them to say audacious things without first engaging the brain. One bookmaker said he was just sorry that Jesse Helms was not in the running. “Hell, I think Helms would have shouted the “N” word first just to skew the odds,” he said with a chuckle.

An unusual politician getting a good portion of the action is none other than Harry Reid, who, earlier this year had Republicans up in arms when he referred to Obama as an articulate, light-skinned Negro. Although he apologized and said he meant his comments in the kindest way toward the President, the generational bias was palpable and some odds makers say that Reid may still let the “N” word slip, albeit not in a hateful way.

One other unusual contender getting quite a few votes is none other than Michael Steele, Republican National Committee Chairman, who is, himself, of African-American decent. In the case of Steele, a caveat has been added on any bets placed that say that he cannot win the bet if, when referring to Obama with the “N” word, he does it in a “brotherly” way such as referring to Obama’s ability to get the health care bill passed as something to the effect of “that is one bad-assed Ni**er what just got that bitch bill passed.”

Some other rules are that the “N” word can be uttered to a private group as long as there are enough witnesses to verify it being said, such as at a Town Hall Meeting, an RNC fundraiser, even a state or national championship BBQ contest as long as it is uttered by someone with clout.

However, the big money is focusing on a national television or radio broadcaster who uses the “N” word in context and vehemently live on the air. “That’s where the big bucks are gonna pay off,” said Hal Litzer, part-time bookie and president of the local NRA chapter.

As word of the bet becomes more widespread, there is the possibility that gamblers who have big money riding on it will call into shows such as that aired by Rush Limbaugh and Glenn Beck to try and elicit angry responses that will ultimately lead to a tirade where the “N” word is not only spoken, but spewed over and over and over again with no apologies whatsoever.