Liberals Claim Calling GOP Candidates Turkeys Becoming Redundant

Rick Perry Doesn't Mind the Turkey Moniker One Bit

Liberal Democrats say it used to be fun to poke fun at the GOP candidates vying for their party’s nomination in 2012, but that is no longer the case. “It is no longer a challenge,” said Dennis Kucinich, who appeared before a group of Ohioans on the eve of Thanksgiving day.

“Turkeys always seem to get a bad rap when it comes being identified with Republicans,” he said. “Now, since I’m not a meat eater, I never really did understand why someone would disparage a turkey that way. If I had my druthers, I’d just call them all (Republicans, not turkeys) cabbage heads. Seems a bit more fitting,” said Kucinich.

Other liberals agree. “I used to chuckle every Thanksgiving Day before a big election,” said Sue Wombat. “Calling Republican candidates turkeys was very much a Thanksgiving tradition at our house. But there are so many of them, now,” she said, “and while they’ve all kind of earned that title, it just doesn’t have that fun ring to it anymore. In fact,” said Wombat, “there isn’t a lot this year to joke about or be thankful for, so calling a bunch of dodo birds turkeys is just redundant.”

Rick Perry Takes Break from Campaign Trail to Visit Texas

You Shoulda Seen the One that Got Away

Texas Governor Rick Perry hasn’t been home much lately. He’s out on the campaign trail trying to garner support for his presidential campaign that has, quite frankly, been derailed by Herman Cain, Mitt Romney and Michele Bachmann. But he’s hopeful and therefore ever vigilant in his fight to become the next nation’s leader.

But even presidential hopefuls need a break and that’s what brings Perry back to his home state. When asked what will be on his agenda once he gets back to his office, Perry replied “Oh goodness no, I have people to staff my office. They’ll be fine, so will Texas as a whole. Nope, I’m celebrating…goin’ fishin,’” said a smiling Perry.

“But what about the wildfire situation in Bastrop,” asked one reporter. “Oh, FEMA’s handling that,” Perry replied. “No, the NEW fire in Bastrop,” pressed the reporter.

“What, you mean there’s another daggone fire in that same place? Boy, those Bastrop people sure don’t have that Texas luck, do they?”

Perry then ended the conference by telling everyone that he preferred bass fishing to fly fishing. “It’s something about casting that lure and just waiting for a big ole’ fish to snap it up,” Perry said.

“Sometimes they do, and sometimes they don’t. It’s just a big old waiting game,” he added as he hurried off in his private jet to give one last speech to the folks in New Jersey.

Rick Perry Invites Jewish Business Leaders to His Home for Real Texas BBQ

Here is yet another reason why politicians who only have state governing experience should tread lightly when it comes to espousing views on how they would handle foreign policy. Case in point, Rick Perry today met with Jewish business leaders in New York.

After taking a few public swings at President Obama on his (Obama’s) policy on Israel, Perry then sat down for lunch at a local Jewish deli and had a more intimate conversation with several business leaders. Unfortunately, it went downhill from there.

Perry ordered a Pastrami on Rye with mustard and raved about the taste. “I swear to God, that is who you folks pray to right? I swear to God, you folks make a mean pork roast, but I gotta tell ya, the pork ribs coming off some of my friends’ Texas barbecue grills are to die for.” Perry then invited the men to Texas for some real barbeque.

Perry’s aide rushed to his side and whispered something in Perry’s ear, at which time Perry appeared quite apologetic. “Geez, I’m sorry folks. I thought it was people in India who don’t eat pork. My mistake. How about y’all come out to Texas for some of the best barbecued beef brisket you ever ate? I’m pretty sure we use kosher salt in our marinade.”

Top Reason Republicans are Secretly Afraid of Sarah Palin

A new book out by Joe McGinnis entitled The Rogue: Searching for the Real Sarah Palin has everyone from Wasilla to Washington abuzz over the woman who would have everyone think she is most likely the best person in the world to run the United States. But the buzz is not good. Evidently, the book points out very clearly that those closest to Palin are the ones who hate her the most.

According to those Alaskans who know her best, getting Sarah mad is not a smart thing to do. Seems just about every Republican who has come in contact with her knows this, swears she can’t be trusted, and seems to be doing everything in their power to see that she doesn’t run for, or get elected to, the office of President of the United States.

Why? Simple. “She is the epitome of a high school sophomore bitch,” claims one high-ranking Republican who wished to remain anonymous. “Sarah Palin can spread false lies and rumors faster than anyone I’ve ever known and that makes us fellow Republicans very, very nervous.” In fact, those that know her say she puts MCGinnis to shame when it comes to spreading lies and innuendo.

A source close to Palin confirms this tidbit about ‘Sarah the Barracuda.’ “While all of the other Republican candidates are busy boning up on things like American history, current events, even learning how to pronounce unpronounceable names of world leaders, Sarah is doing her homework too, albeit on much different subjects.”

According to the unidentified source, Sarah Palin takes the term ‘boning up’ to a whole new level. “Sarah is rooting around in her opponents’ closets to find skeletons that she can use against them. To her, it’s so much easier to destroy an opponent’s reputation than to have to compete with them intellectually.”

This is exactly what Sarah Palin did when she held public office in Alaska. She destroyed her opponents by filing complaints against them and publicly challenging some of the most loved and respected Republicans in Alaska [see Ted Stevens]. This type of political back-stabbing has put Republicans on high alert and has many working around the clock to scrub any of their own personal records that might remotely hint at impropriety.

While Rick Perry claims he could care less about “some little missy from Wasissy” as he put it, rumor is that Palin is hot on his tail. Palin was recently caught wondering out loud “Don’tcha think that Rick Perry is handsome?” she was overheard saying. “I can’t help but wonder with someone that good lookin’ he must have at least one or two mistresses out there who would just love to tell their side of the story.”

Could Taking Federal Aid Damage Perry’s Reputation with the Tea Party?

I Said Laugh Dammit
Opionion Page

(See Below)

The Texas wildfires have put Presidential Candidate Governor Rick Perry between a rock and a hard spot. While he’s come out swinging against the federal government saying states should have the ability to govern themselves, if he doesn’t take the federal aid being requested to fight the raging fires in Texas and to make the citizens who are affected by those fires whole, Perry faces a barrage of criticism he wasn’t prepared for.

What to do? What to do? Well, for starters, he could park his ass in Texas and show the people who are losing their homes that he’s here for them.  In addition, he could stop bashing the President and calm down long enough to have a grown-up conversation with him on just what needs are being met by Texas and what needs are going to require federal assistance.

Seeing as Mr. Perry wasn’t really worried about the threat of wildfires a year ago when he signed a bill cutting a spending package for volunteer firefighters across Texas, it doesn’t look like he’s too worried about its citizens either while he jets off to yet another Republican debate. So much for his comment that he's 'more concerned now with the citizens of Texas than he is politics.'

Wonder if he’s got enough time to stop off and buy a new fiddle.


NOTE: Obama has signed Federal Disaster Aid Bill to those suffering from wildfires in Central Texas.

Psychiatrist Pressured by GOP to Recant Statements About 2012 Candidates

“They’re all pretty much a little nuts in my opinion,” claims Hans Bruchtern, Psy.D., resident psychologist at Tri-State Valley Hospital in Kentucky. Dr. Bruchtern was being interviewed for an upcoming magazine article focusing on the rise in personality disorder diagnoses in Americans within the past two decades. When asked what he thought about some of the outrageous claims Tea Party candidates such as Michele Bachmann and Rick Perry have made recently on the campaign trail, Bruchtern was extremely candid.

“Oh, it’s not just the fact that Tea Party candidates are saying loopy things,” he said. “Judging from what these candidates say they are going to do if they become President of the United States should have most Americans shaking in their boots. I think just about every candidate out there has some sort of personality disorder that needs to be treated, and if one of them is elected, we may just become the Untied States of America.”

Asked to elaborate, Bruchtern told the reporter “Honestly? I think they’re all pretty much narcissistic to some degree. Some more so than others.”

Bruchtern claims that the better-looking candidates such as Rick Perry, Michele Bachmann and Mitt Romney have gotten by in life on their looks and therefore, when they hit the campaign trail, “they pretty much think they can say what they want to get votes and people will just fall all over them. They honestly believe they are America’s only hope.”

Asked if there is a test out there that can be taken by the candidates to determine once and for all if, in fact, they do suffer from personality disorders and if so, are any of them a threat, especially if they do get elected, Bruchtern answered cautiously.

“Let’s look at someone who is definitely considered by the psychiatric community to suffer from borderline personality disorder, i.e. Dick Cheney,” said Dr. Bruchtern. Now mind you, no one will admit this, and I probably wouldn’t accept any invites from him to go hunting after giving this interview, but the fact of the matter is that man, to this day, still believes that waterboarding is not a form of torture. That, in and of itself, speaks volumes.”

Once the interview was completed, the reporter asked the good doctor to spell his name correctly for the publication. “Sure, said the doctor. That’s Hans, spelled J-o-h-n, Bruchtern, spelled S-m-i-t-h.”

Dan Quayle Briefly Considers Run for President

“If Rick Perry can do it, why can’t I? asked the 44^th Vice President of the United States after a few afternoon cocktails. Quayle put some balls in motion this past weekend while attending a fundraiser for Perry. “I’ve got to be honest here folks. While Mr. Perry is one handsome man, he’s not got a lot going on upstairs besides a great set of hair.” When reminded by one of his handlers that the saying goes “great head of hair,” Quayle replied, “yes, but it is me saying it.”

Many in the crowd, when asked if they would consider voting for Dan Quayle for President said emphatically they would not, but that did not deter Quayle, who, at one point got up on the stage with Perry, put his arm around Perry’s shoulder, and said, “man, we’re both dumb as a box of rocks but they still throw their campaign money at us. How great is that?” at which point Mr. Quayle was told by Perry to “go sleep it off mofo.”

No one is sure what Quayle’s schedule looked like Sunday morning but could only guess that his trip across country to see what was going on in the Bachmann camp met with equal failure. Especially after Quayle told Bachmann just moments after being invited into her campaign bus “I wouldn’t have a problem at all having you as my Vice President, Shelly. You’re pretty hot.”

Dumbed Down America Embraces Bush Clone, Rick Perry

For anyone still wondering if America is being dumbed down, all one has to do is look at the line-up of presidential candidates coming at us from the right and it’s a no-brainer.

One of the most questionable of all when it comes to having the smarts to lead our nation, Rick Perry, just came out ahead in the most recent Gallup Poll, which pretty much speaks volumes about where we are, intelligence-wise, as a country. History seems to be repeating itself as another Bush-like candidate seems likely to capture the hearts and ‘minds’ of Americans.

We all remember some of the hilarious things that came out of President George W. Bush’s mouth during his presidency such as “They misunderestimated me,” and “Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?” With Perry taking an early lead in securing the GOP nomination, we are left wondering if Americans, in general, have the smarts to elect an intelligent leader.

While Texans are pretty much used to the inane way Perry expresses himself, the rest of America is just now getting a taste of how Perry thinks. Judging from the attention he’s getting by offering to open a can of Texas-size whoop-ass on anyone in Washington who does something he doesn’t agree with, aka Ben Bernanke, he’s becoming more popular than a Saturday night MMA brawl.

For the sake of argument, let’s say Rick Perry is brighter than a neon pink mini-skirt. Still, we can’t help but imagine how this country is going to fare under an elected President who, instead of ending his inaugural speech with “God Bless the United States of America,” would find nothing wrong with leaving the nation with the words “Adios, mofos.”

Rick Perry on Economy: “I’m Gonna Come at You Like a Spider Monkey”

Stealing a line from the movie Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby, Rick Perry continued his assault on the economy under Treasury Secretary, Ben Bernanke, saying “I’m gonna come at you like a spider monkey.”

“I just love that line,” said Perry at a recent fundraiser. “It has me written all over it.”

Perry claims that while Clinton may think he (Perry) is one ‘good-looking rascal,’ “the truth is,” says Perry, “good-looking rascals don’t get things done like crazed spider monkeys.”

Texas Running Out of Cold Water

The summer of 2011 is going down as one of the hottest on record in Texas. Several Texas cities are getting close to breaking old records for number of triple-digit days, and the end of summer is still pretty far off.

Trees are dying, livestock is being sold off for lack of grazing land, and electric companies are asking customers to cut back on usage to avoid energy blackouts.  

While all the above have been experienced by Texans before, one new phenomenon has not, i.e. lack of cold water. “In some cities, the water coming out of the cold tap is lukewarm,” said City Utilities Manager, Jim Huckleberry from Luckenbach, Texas. “I’d say about 95% of the water now coming out of our water plant is between 90 and 100 degrees,” said Huckleberry. “That’s way too warm for consumption, and we’re warning folks to put their water in the fridge for at least an hour or so before drinking it.”

Huckleberry says people just don’t realize how precious cold water is until you don’t have it. “Sure, it don’t matter if you’re bathing in it,” he said, “but just about everything you do to keep cool in summer depends on cold water, from the public pool to the air conditioning in your home, not to mention keeping your body hydrated.” Constant refrigeration of millions of gallons of water for consumption is creating serious problems in many Texas towns.

Texas Governor Rick Perry agrees the lack of cold water in Texas is becoming a real problem and says that if the triple-digit heat continues, he may have to declare a state of emergency and ask the federal government for assistance. “I don’t want to do it,” said Perry, “but I’ll be darned if I’ll sit idly by and deny my fellow Texans their God-given right to have cold water run freely from their kitchen faucets.”

Rick Perry Claims More 'Physical Conservatives' Need to Head to Washington

Yeah, ok, but what do fiscally conservative Republicans have to say about this?

Charlie Sheen Backing Rick Perry for President Because “He’s Smokin’ Hot”

It used to be that a person would back a Presidential candidate based on his voting record and his willingness to serve the American people. Honorable men and women would ask for your vote and in exchange, they would let you know exactly how they stand on the issues. No changing their minds. If they were for public health care or against it, you knew and that’s why you put your vote behind that person.

But today, it takes little more than a pretty face and some charming wiles to get a person’s vote—case in point, Sarah Palin. And, that same pretty-face reason is why Charlie Sheen announced last week that if Rick Perry does announce his run for the Presidency, he’s backing him all the way, vote-wise and maybe even financially, if, indeed he [Sheen] has any post-cocaine money left.

Sheen’s announcement came with little fanfare. It was broadcast on LA Access television, and for those who weren’t able to catch it, here’s what Sheen said about Perry:

“Hell yeah, I’ll vote for Rich Perry, or Rick or whatever the hell his name is. I mean, what’s in a name anyway? It’s how he looks that grabs ya, man. I mean, look at those coal black beady eyes set back in that forehead, and that sun-damaged face, ya gotta go for the man, cause even after all that sun damage, he still looks faboo. I hear it is really hot in Texas right now. Is it? The point is that no matter whether bear season is upon us or that green polka-dots definitely don’t do pink any justice, speaking of justice, which there definitely isn’t any when it comes to Wahini bikinis, Rich Perry is smokin’ hot and I’m voting for him.”

Charlie’s handlers were extremely proud of him after the announcement. Said Drew Pugmore, his personal assistant, “Hell, we could care less he’s found a person to vote for or even who that person is. What is important is that for the first time in I can’t tell you how long, Charlie started a thought and instead of rambling on aimlessly until we had to wipe drool from his chin, he came back to that original thought. That’s progress, man, real progress. Way to go, Charlie.”

Rick Perry Running for President So He Can Abolish the Job

Texas Governor Rick Perry announced today that the only reason he is considering a run for President in 2012 is so that, once elected, he can use his executive power to abolish the post of President.

Confused? Let me explain. Perry is a strong proponent of states’ rights. He believes that each individual state in the United States, including Texas, should be allowed to set their own laws regarding such things as education, labor laws, and civil rights. With no federal government, it would no longer be necessary to have a federal government figurehead.

In order for Perry to become President, he would have to renounce his stand on states’ rights, that is unless he becomes President just long enough to abolish the post of President all together and revert back to being the Governor of Texas.

In a recent speech, Perry’s distaste for federal government interference was palpable. “We don’t want to have to give school kids free lunches if we don’t want to,” he said. “Of course, if we want to, we will, but we won’t if we don’t want to and the federal government can’t make us.”

Perry has his lawyers checking on the constitutionality of a President abolishing the office of President of the United States, but says that regardless of their answer, he’s still gonna run for President just to scare the hell out of all his fellow Republican rivals.

Perry is also checking whether or not it would be feasible to create a new job for himself once he fires himself from the office of President of the United States and is unable to return to the post of Texas’ governor. He’s thinking President of Texas sounds pretty good.

Rick Perry Wins Over Evangelicals by Speaking in Tongues

By most Christian leaders’ estimates, Rick Perry’s “The Response,” a national day of prayer and fasting, was a pretty big success. Backed by the American Family Association, Perry pulled in about 30,000 Christian followers to Reliant Stadium in Houston.

While Perry claims his main goal was to bring people together to pray for America, there can be no doubt that the true purpose behind the rally was to win support of the Evangelicals for his eventual run for President. With that in mind, Perry and his people knew that it would take a lot more than a fancy stage, some good old-fashioned Bible thumping, and a no-barbeque prayer meeting to convince America’s Evangelicals he was their guy.

While Perry acknowledged at the rally that “I am one of you,” referring to his being a devout Evangelical, he backed it up with strong words—in a totally undecipherable language. That’s right, Rick Perry began speaking in tongues. While he only did so for a short while, it had an amazing impact on the crowd.

“From that point forward,” claims a close Perry adviser, “we knew he had the support he was looking for, and he was going to enter into the Presidential race with a new-found confidence.”

After the rally dispersed, Perry was asked to comment on his experience.

“Wow, that was incredible,” he said. “I always wondered how they did that. I had no idea until now how it felt to have the Holy Spirit enter your body,” he marveled.

“Just a quick question,” said Perry. “Was that a real ghost? I mean, I’m not gonna be like possessed or anything now, am I?”

Texas Governor Rick Perry Loses Governor’s Mansion in Poker Game

Police in Austin, Texas were called to the Governor’s Mansion downtown in response to a call-in report that a strange man appeared to be living in the dwelling amidst the chaos of reconstruction. Upon entry, police officers found Henry Waldrep asleep on a small cot in the grand ballroom. Alongside Waldrep, they found a small crate with a makeshift cook stove on top and empty McDonald’s wrappers and several empty beer bottles littering the floor.

Police immediately arrested Waldrep for criminal trespass and were in the process of patting him down and handcuffing him when Waldrep told the officer he won the mansion in a game of poker with Governor Rick Perry.

To prove his innocence, Waldrep produced a set of keys to the mansion and a crumpled cocktail napkin from the Golden Nugget Casino in Las Vegas that carried a hand-written note honoring Rick Perry’s bet of the mansion in a poker game. Officers then called the Mayor’s office to determine what to do and it is then that they found out that Waldrep was indeed telling the truth.

A close aide to the Mayor confirmed that Perry informed them of the loss when he returned from Vegas in late June. “ Evidently, Governor Perry was a little down on his luck while playing in the No Limit Hold ‘em tournament at the Golden Nugget. With nothing else to throw in the pot, he decided that he’d bet the mansion. We had no idea the guy would take the bet seriously and actually move into the mansion.”

The aide, who declined to identify herself, told officers to let the man stay until the matter could be legally sorted out. Texas, unlike other states, has a law on the books that says when a poker bet is made, no matter how ridiculous, the bet is honored. There is a legal question, however, as to who is the rightful owner of the Governor’s Mansion.

Officers had no choice but to release Waldrep and let him stay in what appeared to be his official residence until the Texas Attorney General could investigate the matter.

The Governor’s Mansion was set ablaze in 2008 causing serious damage throughout the dwelling. It has been under renovation ever since. Perry and his family are currently residing in a leased home in West Austin and could not be reached for comment.

Asked if the smoke smell didn’t bother him, Waldrep replied, “Heck no. I’ve been living in a little teardrop trailer in the Nevada desert now for 3 years. A little smoke smell sure as hell ain’t gonna kill me.”

Republican Governors Not Abducted by Aliens after All

It was a scary 72 hours this weekend when Republican governors Rick Perry of Texas and Bob McDonnell of Virginia suddenly went missing. Both were reported missing by their staff but were told by police that nothing could be done unless they were reported missing by immediate family members.

Conspiracy theorists caught wind of the missing persons reports and immediately began rumors that the governors were abducted by aliens and/or raptured by God. “It was the craziest 72 hours of our lives, but eventually Mr. Perry showed back up on Tuesday morning bright and early, ready to work” said Perry’s top aide Dusty Trail, who turned his face upward toward the heavens and exclaimed “Thank you, Jesus,” a tear trickling down his cheek.

Asked if Perry was acting peculiar upon his reappearance, Trail said he didn’t notice anything way out of the ordinary except for wads of cash sticking out of the pockets of Perry’s new expensive suit. “All I know is, Mr. Perry left the office on Friday in a regular off-the-rack suit from Men’s Warehouse and when he came back Tuesday, he was wearing Armani and throwing twenties at the staff. He was flush with cash.

An almost similar incident played out in Virginia when Bob McDonnell arrived on time Tuesday morning to put in a full day’s work at the governor’s mansion.

The mystery was eventually solved when both governors got back to their offices and started unpacking their swag bags filled with expensive promotional items such as pen sets, coasters, stress relievers, and koozies emblazoned with the name “Koch Industries.”

To the relief of staff members and family, neither Perry nor McDonnell were actually abducted by aliens but, in fact, had secretly attended a lavish Koch Summit in Colorado to meet with some of the wealthiest conservative donors in America.

While, the men’s families were happy to see their loved ones home safe and sound, several of Perry’s family members were a bit disappointed that he’d not been raptured. “There’s no man in Texas more deserving of rapture than Rick Perry,” said his wife.