Meg Whitman Found Huddled in Pantry Crying “Where’s My Money?”

Meg Whitman, the former CEO of eBay has spent upwards of $160 million of her own money in a run for California Governor, which easily tops the private spending of any candidate anywhere in the entire universe, or at least the part of the universe we are aware of.

And what if she loses? Exactly. That is why she was found recently huddled in her pantry among half-empty tins of duck liver pate and those little pieces of petit toasts threatening to slit her wrists with the spreading knives if someone didn’t tell her where her money was.

She could be heard screaming throughout the west wing of her palatial home “Where is my money? What have you done with it?” In reality, it all went toward a run for governor of California which is now highly suspect of going to her Democratic opponent, Jerry Brown.

Meg was finally coaxed out of the pantry when asked to give one last campaign speech in which she stated: “I can almost see how I’d wanted to spend a large sum of money to make sure California doesn’t fall into the hands of some aging hippie who’s only object to be Governor is to see to it that Proposition 19 succeeds; but if he actually does become Governor, the first thing I’m gonna do is demand a refund.”

With that, Whitman crawled back into the pantry and dove right into an extra large jar of her favorite caviar.

Sarah Palin Makes Kate Gosselin the Face of Her Feminist Movement

Meet Kate Gosselin, Super Mom. The only thing missing is a strong man supporting her, but that isn’t deterring Sarah Palin from naming her the 2010 Feminist of the Year. It is also not deterring Palin’s strong political allies, Christine O’Donnell and Michele Bachmann from standing behind Gosselin and admiring her courage in the face of overwhelming odds to raise eight kids alone. In fact, they love Gosselin so much, they’ve re-formulated their acronym from BOP (Bachmann, O’Donnell and Palin) to GOP and B (Gossselin, O’Donnell, Palin and Bachmann).

Gosselin is hoping this latest endorsement of her coping skills will net her a prime place at the head of the Republican/Christian single men’s most desirable female list. “I just think it’s time to put myself out there for all the right guys to see what a catch I am,” said Gosselin in accepting the endorsement. “In fact, if I didn’t have eight kids, I, myself, would probably run for a senate seat. Those girls make it look so easy,” she said of Palin, O’Donnell and Bachmann. “Right now, I have one goal only,” said Gosselin with that knowing smile, “and if I told you what it was, I’d probably not be sentator material.”

Meanwhile, Jon Gosselin, upon hearing the news, laughed out loud. “Sure, go ahead guys, have at it. You want a strong woman? You’ll not find one stronger—willed that is,” he said.”Try going out of town on business trips, not taking out the trash, wanting some personal time when every available moment you have is taking care of the eight kids she so lovingly describes as angels, while Kate is out having her tushie waxed, her nails strengthened, and her weave re-woven. Come to think of it, she’d make a perfect senator.”

Jesus Declines Dinner Invite from Congresswoman Michele Bachmann

“Sorry, Michele, I’m busy that night,” was the unfortunate reply to Congresswoman, Michele Bachmann’s invitation to dinner to none other than Jesus Christ, her personal Lord and Savior. The woman from Minnesota was crushed.

“Sure, I got definite yeses from Adam, the first man, and George Washington. I even got a definite maybe from Johann Bach, whose music would make a lovely background for the pheasant dinner I’ve got planned,” said Bachmann. “But not having Jesus there, well, I’ve waited all my life for this moment and I definitely feel he’s let me down.”

Bachmann was asked who she would ask to take the place of Jesus now that she definitely won’t be dining with the Son of God. “Well, I’ve got a B list. Everyone who is a good hostess has a B list you know. And I’ve got Ann Coulter advising me on this very important choice. I suppose at this late date, all we can hope for is a yes from our fellow non-feminist, Phyllis Schlafly. Really, next to Jesus, she ultimately shaped my life. Without her influence, I might be a (God-forbid) single mother or worse, a divorcee.”

Millions of Americans Trapped Below Middle Class without Rescue Plan

Rescuers are busy on a plan to reach millions of Americans who have become trapped somewhere between middle class and lower class without much of a chance of survival. They claim a level of greed several hundred feet thick is separating the trapped Americans from reaching the upper crust.

While several escape plans have been formulated, none of them seem to be iron-clad winners and therefore, have not been put into action as yet. The committee put in charge of the rescue plan claims they are unable to put the effort and resources into such a large plan until after the mid-term elections have determined who the next group of rescuers will be. “It’d be like taking money from one cause and putting it toward another,” said one rescue operation manager, “we just can’t afford to spend our election money on anything other than getting our people elected.”

Some say if the Democrats win a majority of the Senate seats, the trapped Americans may see some relief, although slow in coming, which means several hundred thousand may still end up worse off than they are at present. Some have just run out of the resources to wait. Some are living with one foot outside their front doors, while their homes are falling away from them.

Word getting back to the upper crust tells a story of horror as those caught below recount how they have been able to survive thus far. May Smith from Snap Bean, SC claims she’s gotten by barely. “I’ve had to claw a corner of the space down here for myself to grow my own vegetables. My family takes turns guarding the patch at night from others who are so busy standing in lines trying to get one or two steps up that they end up without the resources to feed their families. Some are busy clipping coupons. It helps, but unless you can buy two of everything, which we can’t, a coupon isn’t worth much.”

Others say that if the Republicans get in, they don’t know if there will be a rescue at all. Barney Cratchett from Crockett, Kansas claims he’s voted Republican ever since he’s been of age to vote, but isn’t quite sure this year. “You hear stories down here, you know?” Stories about Ronald Reagan and how his economics was good enough for us in the 80’s, they may be good enough for us now. Without any bankers or lawyers or professional folks down here to run that kind of economic thinking past, I’m just not sure the money’s gonna reach this far down and without it reaching past maybe the 1^st or second level tier, down here at level 4, we may be waiting a long time to be rescued.”

Sally Farnsworth, a single 50’s Wal-mart worker who has found herself at the bottom of the lower middle class level says the same. “It’s freakin’ scary to think about. I’m driving a 2000 Kia Rio. Sure, 100,000 mile, 10-year warranty, but that expired last May. I need a new muffler and brake system. Do the rescuers know that? I doubt it.”

Meanwhile, needless holes are being dug to reach the trapped middle class. Said one rescuer “It’s hit or miss, that’s all we can say. We try extending unemployment benefits, but at what cost? We try helping defray things like medical costs and high credit card interest rates, but the insurance companies and banks aren’t willing to even come out to the rescue site to see how they might lend a hand.”

Everyone involved in the rescue effort agrees on one thing, without everyone chipping in and trying to come up with a solution, the middle class are going to remain trapped for a while longer and the best we can do is pipe down a few creature comforts and hope that by Christmas, they can all come up for a short breather.

Sesame Street Makes Top Ten List of Dangerous Places

Sesame Street is no longer the wholesome neighborhood street that children and their families flock to to enjoy an afternoon of counting and rhyming and learning some fun educational facts. It is becoming more and more a place where you don’t want to hang out. Some of the popular characters have either totally moved away to look for work in other big cities or have gone on the skids. Loveable Grover has been spotted many a time on the street’s main intersection bumming for change.

“I can’t count the times I’ve seen Bert coming out of a back alley with another male character in tow, reeking of sex,” said the Count. “He always was a smarmy character, but now he turns tricks just to pay for his huffing habit. It’s a disgrace.”

 The adult real-life characters who make up the other half of the cast of Sesame Street have all but given up on many of the muppet characters. Oscar the Grouch now guards his dumpsters from the many “divers” who come to Sesame Street hoping to get some groceries that the local supermarket has thrown away. “He’s packing,” said Big Bird, about Oscar. “There was a time when there was plenty for everyone and Oscar would even share once in awhile, but not anymore. You go diving for that pack of day-old doughnuts and you risk being shot. Just ask the Cookie Monster, who is on permanent disability after Oscar and he fought over a half-eaten package of Oreosm, and the Cookie Monster lost.”

Ernie, the on again, off again companion of Bert, seems to be the only constant in the neighborhood. He has a room up above the Diamond Stud Tavern and pretty much keeps to himself these days. “Oh, you smell the occasional wafting of cheap pot coming from his half-opened window, but he’s basically a shut-in,” said Sesame Street policeman, Mr. Cop. “We let him be. He’s been a good egg these last 30 years. If all he’s doing is smoking a doobie and watching Mr. Rogers re-runs, he’s the least of our worries.”

American Families Forced to Stay in Foreclosed Homes Against Will

Many of the largest banks in America, including the Bank of America, not to be confused with the Other Bank of America, have been forcing most of their customers, who have not been paying on their mortgages for months, to remain living in their homes with no means for escape.

Through a series of paperwork glitches that go back all the way to even before the mortgages on the homes were entered into by the homebuyers, these banks are now coming out with the whole truth, albeit, via subpoena, about how they first hoodwinked people into taking hefty mortgages they couldn’t afford. The banks then changed the terms of the mortgage without proper disclosures, leading to double mortgage payments the homeowners couldn’t afford, and then filing paperwork to force the homeowners out of the homes so the banks could take the properties back, this time via faulty foreclosures.

Now, with no other alternative, banks are forcing the original homeowners to go back into the homes, sometimes even after they’ve been stripped down to the last copper wire, and making them live there until they can figure out just how this paperwork thing works. Said one unnamed bank official, “We deal with lawyers. That’s where we went wrong. We listened to the attorneys who told us it was perfectly legal to sell mortgages on a home where the actual worth of the home was less than the face value of the home. But our lawyers advised us we didn’t need to read the fine print attributed to us. We just trusted those lawyers.”

He went on, “Next, they tell us how simple it is. The people don’t pay, the people shouldn’t be allowed to keep their homes. Ok, on this we agreed wholeheartedly, so we have them draw up papers to evict the people from the homes and start foreclosure proceedings for non-payment of the mortgages. Thing is, those papers were evidently not written very well either, and you know us, why read it when you have this [ahem] competent attorney telling us all is legal.”

The bottom line now is that not only do the major banks have to allow a bunch of non-paying mortgagees back into their homes while they get this paperwork snafu figured out, but in the meantime, they can’t use the empty homes to house their own family and friends, especially in the more tony neighborhoods.

One bank official living in Southern California claims that he and his mistress had been staying weekends at a fabulous $4.3 million Malibu mansion living it up and now the owner has been told to go back in there and start squatting. “It just boggles the mind,” said the banker.

Florida Lemur Mistakenly Placed on Ballot as Libertarian Candidate

Florida election officials in the small town of Myakka City are scratching their heads over the apparent practical joke being played on them that now has them in a quandary as to how to remedy the situation. A lemur known as Mister E. Mann is listed on the local ballot as the Libertarian candidate running for City Commissioner.

Myakka City is home to an actual lemur sanctuary, and Mister E. Mann has been a resident there since his birth. “Someone is having a little fun,” claims local elections official Blenda Parks, “and we’re sure we can get this straightened out before Election Day, but if we can’t, we may have to let the voters decide if they want some of their important decisions made by a lemur.” Parks claims that had the error been caught as it was being made, there’d be no problem, but since no one checked twice, the name got on there and it’s twice as hard removing a candidate’s name as it is to submit it.

“Whoever done it, had no problem coming up with the $2,000 fee to register Mister E. Mann as a Libertarian candidate,” said Parks. “Why anyone would want to do it is beyond me, but if you knew our quirky little group of townsfolk, you’d understand.”

Most people believe the culprit is none other than a guy who goes by the name of “Gator” who is a known practical joker. “First and foremost, he’s always trying to pull something on someone,” said “Otter,” another long-time resident of Myakka City. “He may be a practical joker, but he is dead serious about his politics and being a Republican, he’s gonna pull out all the stops to see that the Libertarian party is stopped before they get any candidates elected.”

When Otter was asked if he thinks Gator’s plan might backfire and end up allowing a Democrat to sit on the City Commission, Otter said “oh hell no, there ain’t but one Democrat in this entire city and believe me, even he knows better than to vote straight ticket.”